Category: Funny Stuff

I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions anymore, mostly because I try to always do the best that I can with myself during the year, and also because if I make resolutions or set huge goals it actually has a negative effect, because I am really hard on myself if they don’t end up turning out the way I planned.  I can give myself “suggestions,” though, and this year the “suggestion” is:  THROW AWAY HALF OF YOUR STUFF.

 I think this one came about from watching that show Hoarders over Christmas break.  Um….wow.  I have to say, I started watching that show thinking it was going to be some kind of quirky foray into people who, like, had a collection of 100,000 weird Mickey Mouse clocks or something like that.  But—noooo, that’s not what it going on in Hoarders at all.  In fact, there is barely any opportunity for prurient interest, as you spend most of the time watching it while hiding your face behind your hands, like “oh, oh NO—that’s just GARBAGE!  Why is there a GOAT EATING YOUR HOUSE?”  So, really this is not a quirky show at all—just a series of sad stories of mentally ill people who are living in filthy conditions and who need the kind of help that goes far beyond a mere housecleaning.  I don’t predict this show is going to take off, because unlike Intervention, there is no way to even “get on your high horse about how they should pull themselves together.”  Nope, they’re just nuts, and most of the houses would be better off burned to the ground because of the unfortunate and squalid conditions these poor people have let develop.   This photo, for instance, makes me want to throw out everything I own and wash myself in hand sanitizer.  How about you?

Back to my New Year’s “suggestion,” though.  Watching Hoarders made me realize that we just have way too much stuff, so I decided to go through absolutely everything and either use it, give it away, or trash it.  No mercy!   Let’s call this “Hoarders Insurance.”  So far it’s going well.  I have thrown out/ shredded a ton of old files, donated a bunch of books, and given some stuff away on Facebook.  Stay tuned for free stuff!

Over the weekend Stephan and I decided that we hadn't seen enough complete weirdos during the week, so we took a trip down to the Santa Monica Promenade, where every meal is served with a side of freaks.  We're used to living in San Francisco and New York, you see, so sometimes we haven't had our quota and we start jonsing for people with super-long fingernails talking to themselves about Canada, or people roller skating for no reason.  

Maybe it's because we intended so go out and see something odd, but we didn't even make it off our street before we saw a guy with a ponytail so wrong, we had to stake him out private detective style to try to get a photo that accurately depicted how stupid he looked.

You see, Stephan (in case you don't know) is LOSING HIS HAIR and has been for some time.  Actually, it seems to me like he's done losing it, that it's in a male pattern baldness holding pattern (so to speak), and he's not bald– just hair challenged.  Besides, Stephan (in case you don't know) looks GOOD, hair or no, whether he shaves his head or not.  He even has a cortisone-withdrawal rash on his face right now, and he is even making that look good.  So, there you go.  I'm saying, he looks better than alot of guys who have all of their hair, so he doesn't need to sweat it.

However, Stephan has a thing about guys who have hair and make bad choices with it.   He's angry about it, and it makes him want to hit.   Seeing bad hair like this sends him into a seethe, where he shakes his head alot and says "That f#$cker– has hair, does THAT with it…..did that on PURPOSE to his hair, and is now going to Cabo Cantina to see if it will get him LAID…..so wrong…."

After the bad hair stake-out, we ventured down to Big Dean's for some burgers, where we were treated to a guy talking REALLY LOUD ABOUT CLAM CHOWDER, then to Mr. Marcel's for dessert, where we saw a dude in full Renaissance garb (who I do not believe was in a play or on the way to Ren Faire) talking on an iPhone.  By that time my phone's battery was already dead from all the photos I took on the Hair Stakeout, but I'll just let you use your imagination.  We also saw a woman running like a Muppet (who wasn't me), and a young kid who was totally shredding the electric guitar but who was probably 13, so it sounded so weird for him to be singing lyrics that clearly belied his lack of life experience.  I think at one point we were like "Why is he singing 'Sweet Child O'Mine?" 

Oh!  Speaking of bad hair, I must bring this website to your attention and give special thanks to Lisa for telling me about it.  Because darn IT, that is some bad hair and some funny commentary.  Enjoy!

All week long I've been in a "cloud of poop," Tom Waits-listening kind of mood, where pipes are bursting, and people are not showing up or answering their voicemails, and I am melting down in the parking garage.    You're all "gosh, that sounds so entertaining, why didn't you tell us more about this?"  

I think this mood has something to do with the fact that Stephan caught a cold from a guy named Dave, then I caught the next generation of that cold but was trying to deny I had it, so instead I was just "crabby with a stuffed-up nose….thanks DAVE" instead of officially sick.  So, if you called me this week, or I called you, or you happened to ask me a question and I yelled at you or told you I was going to go all broken arrow and live out in the open range somewhere where there are no people to bug me, I am sorry.  You'll be glad to know that the cold is almost gone, and I am probably going to blame the bad mood and the bad week ALL on the cold virus.

But, something funny actually happened yesterday!  Yesterday my cousin-in-law Cory and I got on a long email thread where we were each trying to sound more "business speak-y" than the other.  It doesn't really matter what we were talking about, because after awhile it became so baroque it wasn't actually ABOUT anything.  Here's an excerpt, because I thought it might make you laugh.

Me:  "There is totally enterprise buy-in behind that idea."

Cory: "It's been fully socialized and waterfalled, it's gaining traction, and we've accounted for the outliers."

Me:  "Oh yeah, we focused grouped it, reaped the low hanging fruit, and
it dovetails well with our other partnerships."

Cory:  "As long as we eat our own dog food and keep our kimono open, we should end up
with a win-win."

Also, not for nothing– why have there been TWO Friday the 13th's already this year?  Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse? 

Every once in awhile I read something so funny, it makes me totally jealous, like I wish I wrote it.  So today, I will abdicate the throne of funny to someone else. 

Now is one of those times.  You must, right now, go over to Best of Craig's List and read this post, which is entitled "The loudest vacuum ever on the face of the planet."   Yes, it is a little wordy, but it's just so worth it.

That is how loud the vacuum is, people. 

I'm traveling for business and won't be posting again until Wednesday, but I thought I'd leave you with something substantial to chew on while I was away.  Enjoy!

I can't believe I haven't mentioned this before, since it's so, so funny.   You might share this sentiment if you live in Los Angeles or a similar overcrowded urban area, but Stephan and I are eternally on the lookout for a cool, low-key place to go on weekends to escape city life.   We really like going to Carmel, but it's about 5 hours away, so that's kind of a hike if you're only going to stay for the weekend.   Last year we checked out Big Bear and kept trying to find a vacation rental in Ojai/ Santa Barbara that would take our dog, but kept coming up empty.  Anyhow, at the tail end of the Christmas holiday we went to go check out Pine Mountain Club, which is this cool little mountain community that's right up off the 5 freeway.  Like, literally, you go to the middle of the Grapevine from L.A. and turn left, drive up the mountain, and there you are.  Pretty cool, and they get snow!  The one problem I had with this location was that the houses were WAY too close together for my taste, like, Big Bear cabin style, where you can see into your next door neighbor's house and everything.   This probably wouldn't be a big deal for some of you, but hear this, man– if I am going away for the weekend, I better not be able to see what ANYONE ELSE IS DOING.  I don't want to see anyone, hear their music, smell what they're cooking, I MEAN ANYTHING. 

I know, it sounds weird.  Have we not talked at length about my OCD?  It's a real problem, man.  Look it up in the DSM.   You better just be thankful that I got past my irrational fear of spoiled food, because that doesn't produce nearly as much funny material.  Did I mention that when I was 14 I could only eat food that came out of packages?  Yeah, good times.  It's a good thing I'm past that one, because this salmonella outbreak in peanut butter thing would seriously have been enough to push me over the edge about 15 years ago.   We'll get back to OCD at a later date. 

Getting back to the point–  while we're in Pine Mountain Club we happen to go into one of the realty offices, just to see what might be available there.  As it turns out, since this community is on the fringes of L.A., it's unfortunately being hit very hard by the recession, and so they have alot of foreclosures/ short sales/ reduced price properties up there, which would have been great if, like I said, the houses weren't so close together.  Because I was curious, I asked the realtor for a list of properties, and she gave me a printed-out MLS listing sheet that had all the prices and descriptions.  If you're still reading this, you're about to get to the best part of the story, because RIGHT below the printed sheet was this Microsoft Word-looking document that was stapled together, and the realtor may or may not have meant to give it to me.  On this Word-looking document was a series of EXTREMELY honest notes about the property listings.  Maybe too honest, if you know what I mean.

And now, I will re-type the notes, for your amusement.  I am leaving off the addresses, of course, because a)  these were just notes, and are probably confidential, and b) I doubt you're going to go looking for property to buy in Pine Mountain Club anyway, so it doesn't really matter.  For the record, though, Pine Mountain Club is a nice place.

But, here's where it gets really funny.  Here were my top 10 favorite "side note" comments from the list.

1.  "Serious fixer"

2:  "Close to highway, smells like smoke, needs work."

3:  "Lots and lots of paneling"

4:  "Bathrooms gutted, kitchen doesn't have a window, registered sex offender on street."

5:  "Pretty cool, unpermitted street downstairs, views"

 6:  "Not a short sale, but cheap"

7:  "Bit of a fixer, not very nice."

8.  "Not bad."

9.  "No curb appeal, but pretty nice inside."

10.  "Once was gorgeous."

This made me wish that all real estate agents would be this honest about listings.  In fact, this makes me want to start a fake real estate blog, just as a joke, where all the properties are described as "not that nice," and "really small" instead of "charming" and "cozy."  Ha!