Here is a post I’ve been working on for awhile, in honor of the holiday season, which does in fact seem to be upon us. The subject: dangerous toys.
For the past few weeks, I have been noticing a lot of little kids in those strollers with the protective plastic on top– you know, the plastic that covers the whole stroller, so the toddler looks a little like they’re inside a snow globe, or maybe on display at a museum? Also, there is a public school a few blocks from my house, and I’ve just noticed that they have the spongy asphalt now. That’s right– they’re making the asphalt soft now, so when you fall off the monkey bars, you never even have to learn the lesson that FALLING ON YOUR HEAD HURTS. This got me thinking about all the stuff that we did when we were kids that was totally dangerous, that parents would never DREAM of letting their kids do now.
I was born in The Seventies, which I believe makes me OLD SCHOOL. I say this only to emphasize the fact that I’m still alive and well, and yet frankly, I can’t remember even OWNING a bicycle helmet for any of my formative years. Here are some other things I can remember from my childhood that would probably get you a nice visit from Child Protective Services today:
1. Super Elastic Bubble Plastic. Oh….my God. So many chemicals. So much potential for inhaling that multi-colored stuff back into your lungs. I don’t know who invented this or when they stopped making it (I did a search, and while it seems like there might still be some floating around out there, it seems like if it was from the seventies, it would be even more dangerous).
2. Cap guns/ caps. They are still making these, but I remember a fun game played by all the boys on my block, involving just the caps themselves and a hammer. While I was making this list, my husband told me a very entertaining story about a kid in his neighborhood named Joey whose dad was really into caps. Joey’s dad decided one day to take a whole box of caps, pile them up, and hit them with a sledgehammer, which he did, with disastrous and somewhat comical result. You see, the force created by setting off this many caps at one time sent the sledgehammer flying into his head, and he was actually knocked out. After we stopped laughing about this, we noted that it might have been better if Joey’s dad had been hit in the gonads, before he had a chance to procreate. Now, before you fire up your email to send me a nasty comment, note this: several years after the caps/ sledgehammer incident, Joey himself was involved in a lawnmower accident that cost him three of his toes. If that ain’t a perfect example of the benefits of natural selection, I don’t know what is, dude.
3. The Mini-Bike. Remember this one? Little bike, big fat wheels, worst possible combination for balancing purposes? I think more little kids fell on their heads as a result of this mode of transportation than any other. That means that if you survived the Mini-Bike, you are a super human. Of course, we will never know, because even if they do make these (which I’m pretty sure they don’t), no parent in their right mind would allow their kid to ride one.
4. Fireworks. Oh yeah. Roman candles, 4,000 degree sparklers,
5. Models. Teeny, tiny little parts, glue that got you so high you forgot what you were actually trying to make. So wrong.
6. The pogo stick/ the unicycle. I’m predicting that in 50 years, the only place you’ll be able to find these items is 1) eBay, or 2) Ringling Brothers Clown Academy.
7. Chemistry set. You can still buy this, but it’s COVERED with warnings and supervisory announcements, and no longer contains the noxious chemicals that could really kill you. Why were our parents never concerned that we would just drink this?
8. Shrinky Dinks. I got two words for ya: molten plastic.
On the flip side, I’ve been thinking of things that are in children’s worlds now that definitely weren’t when I was a kid. These things, I’m convinced, means we’re officially raising a generation of milquetoasts who wear SPF sunscreen so high they’re unlikely to even be able to recover from a bad sunburn, much less a FALL from the MONKEY BARS onto CONCRETE, which is how we played it when I was a young tyke.
1. The afore-mentioned stroller bubble. Because if your toddler gets wet, they’re going to turn to dust. Everyone knows that.
2. Spongy asphalt. See above.
3. Mandatory helmet laws. Like, it’s not even LEGAL to ride a bike without a helmet anymore in California. So, if you were going to get Darwined out of the human race for being a bad bike rider twenty years ago, today you would survive to pass on your clumsy genes.
4. The child harness/ leash. I honestly believe if my mother had used one of these to keep me safe, I would have died from PURE SHAME from having to wear it in public. I know it’s good in concept, but I gotta say– people survived for hundreds of years with huge families without the benefit of having their child on a retractable string.
5. Protective padding for every joint of your body. I had one pair of knee pads when I was learning to roller skate. They didn’t fit very well, and I wore them all the way through, after which I broke my arm by sitting on it while I was rolling down a hill. Would wrist guards have helped me? Yes. But then I wouldn’t be the excellent roller skater that I am today.
6. Safety recalls up the wazoo. Check out this highly entertaining list. Did you know that KIDS CAN CHOKE ON SMALL THINGS?
Of course, with people waiting until later and later to have kids these days, I suppose you just don’t have the luxury of the "well, we’ve got eight kids– if one gets killed in horrible pogo stick accident, we still have seven more" mentality. If you paid $100,000 to have your miracle IVF baby, you BETTER make sure they wear a helmet, man.
In case you’re curious, here are the "Guidelines for Buying Toys" issued by the U.S. Consumer Products and Safety Division. I find this to be a hilarious compendium of common sense information. What in the world did we do before these guidelines were made available? Think of the children that suffered because their parents just DIDN’T KNOW not to let a two year old play with a sharpened knife? DAMN!
* Select toys to suit the age, abilities, skills, and interest level of the intended child. Toys too advanced may pose safety hazards to younger children.
* For infants, toddlers, and all children who still mouth objects, avoid toys with small parts which could pose a fatal choking hazard.
* Look for sturdy construction, such as tightly secured eyes, noses, and other potential small parts.
* For all children under age 8, avoid toys that have sharp edges and points.
* Do not purchase electric toys with heating elements for children under age 8.
* Be a label reader. Look for labels that give age recommendations and use that information as a guide.
* Check instructions for clarity. They should be clear to you, and when appropriate, to the child.
* Immediately discard plastic wrappings on toys, which can cause suffocation, before they become deadly playthings. at http://www.cpsc.gov.
I love the term "deadly playthings." That is a great name for a band.
