Category: Funny Stuff

  –Remember when I said that if you got a camera-phone, and then you came across something really funny, you should totally send it to me?  Well, my friend K. in Texas did just that.   Um….Coffee and Cappuchin?  I'm not even sure if the "o" is actually missing from this sign, so they might just be selling coffee and monks in there, all for the bargain price of 99 cents.  Such a deal!

Here's another good one, sent in by Rachel.   I'm totally sending this to FailBlog.

— I said I'd post if I got any funny new entries for the "That Was the Name of My Band in Junior College" game, and yesterday someone sent in "Fat Guy at a Lesbian College," which made me laugh out loud for several minutes in a row.  Hi-larious.

–Speaking of FailBlog, do you know about it?  Sometimes I like to alert you to the existence of other websites, because that is my public service to you.  I can't stop going there.  Hey, it's Friday.  Maybe you should go over to I Can Haz Cheezburger too.  Those cat captions are pretty darn funny, especially on a Friday.  Look especially for the adventures of stalker kitteh.

I saw this ad a couple of weeks ago, and I thought it was so amazing that I had to cut it out, scan it, and put it up for your viewing pleasure.  Because, I don't know if you're with me on this, but I totally didn't even know that Medieval Times was still open.

Just….wow.  For one thing, do you think the people in this ad really work for Medieval Times, or are they just print photography models who got called in for an "awesome stock photography" job by their respective agents, then couldn't say no once they got there for fear of not getting booked again?   Are they REAL Medieval Times enthusiasts, these people?  All of them look sort of happy, but also like they could burst into laughter at any time, especially the girl on the right.   I also really like the fact that they've listed "Baltimore/ Washington D.C." as one of their locations, even though these two places are pretty far away from each other.  You know the Baltimore-adjacent place where they do Medieval Times is probably in a terrifying neighborhood, because– can you imagine a big Medieval Times lot in Georgetown, or K Street?  I think not.

Also, this makes me think that some clever advertising/ statistics/ marketing people were involved in this campaign.  They can't call themselves the "# 1 restaurant in North America," because that would clearly not be true.  But, if they just move the line a little bit and call Medieval Times the "# 1 Dinner Attraction in North America," then they're declaring themselves the leaders of a field so narrow, they might have actually made it up.    This, to me, is kind of like those guys who buy a parcel of land out in Montana and declare themself the "president of the United States….of Dave," or, as Stephan once said when we were driving somewhere in the Mojave desert, "oh look– there's a small compound probably known as Bob-alonia."  Like, you're only # 1 because there's no one else in your category, you know what I'm saying?

Medieval Times has always baffled me as a concept, although I suppose it's a nice place to go if you have alot of loud, unruly, messy children who like watching people fake joust while they are eating giant turkey legs.   Frankly, the whole thing just sounds unsanitary to me.  How are they allowed to serve food when they have horses and horse poop in such close proximity?  I'm not even allowed to tie up my dog in the outside part of the Coffee Bean in Santa Monica without them running out and telling me that I'm "risking their Grade A health department rating."  Or, maybe Medieval Times isn't subject to the health department inspection because they operate in a time before health codes….a mystical, magical time of jousting and maidens and big turkey legs in close proximity to horse poop.  And also, a complete lack of irony.  So there.

As you might be aware, today is my birthday, and so I have pre-written this blog post, just so I can fulfill my "International Day of Me" mandate and take the day off.  So, right now, when you are reading this, I am probably getting a manicure.   Of course, that shouldn't stop you from leaving some "Happy Birthday" messages for me in the comments, which I will be reading tomorrow.  Oh yeah.

Stephan doesn't want to be my guest blogger this week because
he has his own work to do (imagine that!), but he has been cracking me up more
than usual lately with his wittiness, so I thought I'd write up a few funny
conversations from the past week or so and share them with you.
 
Last
week I got ten free Soyjoy bars at RiteAid (you can read about how I am all
clever like this on my other blog, of course), and I left them in the cabinet
with the rest of the protein bars, granola bars, and other healthy things that
we're supposed to eat instead of the giant box of Moose Munch [Stephan adds:
OMFG! Moose Munch! A substance made by the very god Odin himself!] that we still
have on the kitchen counter from Christmas. I'll let you guess which one I've
been paying more attention to.  
 
Anyhow, Thursday night I was at a
graphic design class at UCLA (because I am trying to expand my mind, somewhat
successfully) when I got an email from Stephan, which read:
 
From:
 Stephan Cox
Re:  Soy Sadness
 
So I made dinner,
and I pulled a strawberry Soy Joy bar out in advance for dessert. Never tried
one and was relatively excited about it. I finish my dinner, tear into the
package, take a bite and OH MY GOD SO DRY. I couldn't make saliva for like three
minutes. It tastes like vaguely fruit-flavored spackle. The cartoon woman in Soy
Joy's ads is obviously happily jumping rope because she's EATING SOMETHING ELSE
OTHER THAN A SOY JOY BAR.

Jesus.

s
 
 
Mind you, I'm
reading this while in class, where I'm a) probably supposed to be learning about
design theory and not reading my email, and b) trying not to burst out laughing
at the concept of Stephan being felled by a Soyjoy bar. [Stephan adds: not
felled; I spit it into the garbage under the sink. Where it will never
biodegrade, because it contains no moisture]
 
When I got home, he was
still all incensed and dry-mouthed and I was still laughing, and he said that he
ALSO wanted me to know that Ben & Jerry's came out with a new flavor in
honor of the Obama victory, and it's called (wait for it)
"Yes….PeCan."
 
That's right.  "Yes….PeCan."  I'm going to keep saying it
so it gets right in your brain like a worm and starts working its magic.  Never
mind the fact that it's pronounced "PE-CAWN."
 
That's not even the best
part, though.  The reason he was annoyed by this was not because it was a bad
flavor name [Stephan: even though it decidedly is], but because, years ago, he
submitted "ParlaMINT CHUNKadelic" as a proposed flavor, which I have to agree is
much better than "Yes….Pecan," and they didn't use his idea.  
 
PalaMINT
CHUNCKadelic is pretty funny, don't you think? He even had a whole concept about
using rainbow candy pieces to represent George Clinton's multi-colored braids,
and having a promotional tie-in.
 
Oh world, why don't you take our good
idea? [Stephan: we’re clearly ahead of our time. Note to people of the future:
enjoy our many fine Lori & Stephan statues and mausoleums]
 
By the
way, when I got home I tried the SoyJoy bar, and I actually liked it.  I don't
know if this means I have weird tastebuds from too much Zicaming, or perhaps an
abnormally large amount of saliva to compensate for the dryness. All I know is,
I will be eating the rest of them. [Stephan: Bon Apetit,
baby]

I love it when people see things that are weird and make them laugh, and they immediately take a photo and send it to me.  In case you're wondering, you really should do that.  When you see something and you think "oh my God, that is so weird…"  that is precisely the time to get out your phone and send it right over.

Anyhow, my friend Angela is on Jam Cruise right now, and she just sent me this amusing photo of the room service menu that was in their room when they arrived.   Actually, it kind of looks like a sex menu to me, which makes me wonder if there is more than one layer (if you will) to Jam Cruise.

Actually, as an indie/ classic rock fan and someone who gets motion sickness,  I know I'd have some special feelings if I were at sea for a week listening to jam music, but I love my friend so much, I'm going to totally keep my opinion to myself on this one, because she says it's awesome.

Love you Ang!  Thanks for the photo!

First off, I wanted to post this picture of Baxter, because it makes me laugh every time I see it, and I figured maybe if you were depressed about the worldwide economic crisis or some other reason, it might cheer you up.  Because, just so you know, Baxter's not letting it get him down.  Yeah, he's this happy all day long, and maybe if you have his photo as your screen saver or in your phone (which several people I know now do), you can look at it and feel better. 

Next– sometimes I think I should just have a blog where I record the funny stuff my husband says.  Earlier this evening I informed him that Ashlee Simpson and her husband, intrepid bassist Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy, had just had a baby boy and named him BRONX MOWGLI WENTZ, he paused for just a moment, then said :  "That is what two eight year olds name a baby."

Finally, in case you STILL haven't laughed, I've been sitting on this for about a week, and I really can't wait any longer.  Did you know about Best of Craig's List?  I think I spent about two hours, in tears, reading it last weekend, and it's not just because of the first post, an ad for a dog, entitled "Hideous, Mean, Saggy-Titted Cur."  There are so many other good ones, like "Free Box of Irregular Cat Hats" and "To the Minotaur that Lives Above Me," that I think you need to get yourself some coffee, shut your office door, and just spend the rest of your Friday afternoon reading it.  Because believe me– it's so worth it, and if the smiling dog picture didn't do it, I think this might be just the thing.

As I might've mentioned yesterday, this week has left me overworked and uninspired (though, after I saw some unflattering high school photos of myself on Facebook last night, you better believe I am cooking up a whole post on my love/ hate relationship with it).  Luckily, I have awesome friends who send me funny things I can post on my blog to entertain you.  Thanks, Katie!

I have this composition book I carry around with me everywhere– sometimes I write "to do" lists in it, or people's numbers, or things people tell me, or blog posts or chapters of books (though I'm trying to stop doing that, as it invariably means twice the work, because I have to transcribe all the long-hand writing, and then I start to get annoyed and cranky, and I'm just not sure that's good for the overall outcome.  But I digress).

Within the notebook, even though I'm trying to stop writing whole blog posts, I do have a list of interesting things that happen while I'm out and about, just so I can use them to jog my memory when I'm ready to sit down and write the post later.   

This one was called "Black/ Mac."

OK, so last week we realized that we couldn't back up our music collection because we ran out of space on both of the hard drives.  I know, it seems hard to believe that those could actually get filled up, but have you seen my musical posts lately?  Let's just say we have alot of music, and leave it at that.

So, I went to Staples to get a terabyte drive (by the way, I think the word "terabyte" is made up, and sounds silly.  I can't wait to see what the next "big hard drive" number will be.  "Googlebyte?   HomeShoppingClubByte?  Squigglebyte?  These things are absurd to me.  And, don't get all uppity that I didn't go to the Apple Store and get the Terabyte Time Capsule, ok?  I went out and bought that when it first came out, and it totally crashed my network, and one of my computers is a PC and wouldn't recognize the drive, and I tried to piggy-back it on to the rest of the network and then got a lecture from a guy at the Genius Bar, and then had to take it back, blah blah blah.  All I needed was a hard drive, ok, not a $500, super-extreme piece of wireless networking equipment that was going to bully all my other wireless products.  Why Apple can't just make a regular TB hard drive is beyond me.)

Focus up!  Back to me at Staples.  Here's the point of the story.  You know how they keep all the expensive stuff at Staples under lock and key?  Well, I asked for someone to come and unlock the hard drive I wanted, then waited around for awhile, and after about 15 minutes this guy comes over, and he's the manager, and I have him unlock the case, and then he waits while I look on the box to see if the drive is Mac compatible, and then he goes "hey– I'm thinking of getting a Mac.  How are they?  Are hard to learn?"   Now, this is a totally normal question for a computer guy at Staples, because they don't really sell Macs, and even if they did I wouldn't expect a Staples manager to know everything about them.  So, whatever, that's fine. We're talking about how Macs and PCs are different, and I'm asking him what he uses his computer for, and all nonchalant-like, he goes "Are they really better?  Because I heard that once you go Mac, you never go back.  Is that true?"

Oh– wait.  Did I not mention that the Staples manager was African American?    Well, he was.  So, mull that one over for a second.

Yeah.  So– hmmm…  am I supposed to laugh at this joke?   Probably not.  Probably the only one who can laugh is the guy who made it, right?   At this point, my face is frozen, and I'm trying so hard not to laugh or acknowledge that he said this, and my hand is creeping into my bag to find my notebook, because I know that sometime in the future, this is JUST the sort of thing that is going on my blog, but I can't be all, like, calling it out by writing it down, and maybe that would make it seem WEIRD.  Know what I mean?   Maybe he'd never even heard the expression that's now stuck in my mind.  Maybe it was just a coincidence. 

How did it end?  Well, after a long moment of silence, I was all "so– yeah.  Thanks for the hard drive.  Good luck with your computer shopping," and slowly walked away from the sea of weirdness to go pay for my hard drive.  I never did get him to further clarify the reference, but I DID make a big note in my composition book to tell you all about it just as soon as I was in the parking garage.

It is true, though.  Regardless of skin color–once you go Mac, you never go back.

When I turned around, and there he was.  My dog doesn’t just shamble in and lick you like a normal dog, you see– he sneaks up, and stares at you until you feel the heat of his eyes burning into the back of your head, and receive the mental message:  "Walk me," which he has been transmitting over and over. 

Doesn’t he kind of look like one of those little kids from The Shining?  Like, how long has he been sitting there?   Why does he have that passive-aggressive, slightly disappointed look on his face?  What’s going on with this dog?

Quickly (before I look at him again and turn to stone)– we ended up going to San Francisco last weekend to celebrate our anniversary– saw lots of old friends, ate too much, drank too much, the whole thing.  Came back yesterday, and have been digging out of my inbox (and the final re-read of the novel) ever since.  Swear I will post something interesting soon. 

After my last post about how much I love Costco (although, I must say, I am NEVER getting the Costco flu shot again.  From now on, I pay FULL PRICE for the flu vaccine, dude!), a nice person named Kimberly sent me a link her to blog, which (I kid you not), is called "Addicted to Costco," and has the most amusing commentary about the hilarious products they carry there. 

This post, about a fish tank coffee table, made me laugh out loud, especially when she starts musing about how bad the table must smell, and wondering– "how do you feed the fish?"   This one, about $9,000 Costco playhouses, is also worth a read. 

Note–this is the part where my friend Rachel will say in the comments "in my hometown, you actually CAN buy a house for $10,000."

Oh, and by the way, I forgot to mention that the last time I was at Costco (on Tuesday, ok?), they had this giant display of player pianos– eight or nine of them– right in the middle of the store.  Yeah, player pianos.  The kind they used to have in Swenson’s, or that your weird grandpa might have at his house, to swear there was a ghost tickling the ivories.  This really took me be surprise, because a) I didn’t even know they were MAKING player pianos anymore, much less eight or nine different varieties, and b) I had no idea that the DEMAND for this product would warrant them being carried at Costco.  I’m just saying, you really learn something new every day about the residents of Los Angeles.  Apparently, ALOT of them have player pianos in their homes. 

The other day I saw the premiere of this new ABC show "Wipeout," and I’m not even going to downplay it and act all cool, because I laughed so hard in the burrito place where we were watching it, I almost caused a scene. 

I suppose I could defend my newfound love of this lowbrow show by saying that I’m not really laughing about the people falling off of big slippery balls, as I guess is the universal appeal of a show like this.  No, what I found really so hilarious was the commentary from the hosts (like when the old guy was like "This one’s for AARP!"  and they’re all "Worst.  Shoutout.  Ever."), or the extremely funny extraneous comments made by those who are attempting the wacky obstacle course (my favorite line of the premiere, made by a woman halfway through the course:  "Man, I’ve gotta start working out!")

I know you’re bored at work this week anyway, so I think you should take this opportunity to just sit back and watch this show.  Just try to stifle the laughter so your co-workers don’t know you’re slacking.