Category: Uncategorized

What IS with the hoarding of the toilet paper, anyway?    We are here at “Ground Zero” of the Covid19 outbreak (no lie!), and I still cannot figure out the thing with the toilet paper.  It’s not that I begrudge people stocking up, and in fact, we did it too because it seems like the whole Seattle area is about to go on lockdown, but it was the sheer AMOUNT of toilet paper that I found confusing.  How much toilet paper are people using?  Is everyone nervous pooping?   Why toilet paper and not…..food?

 

This one made me laugh out loud when Stephan sent it to me.   I would like you all to know that I added the "And I Oop" part, and then I had to go Googling around to half-heartedly explain what a VSCO girl is and what that "And I Oop" reference meant.  Here that is, in case you're confused (or old like us).  

Yes, I know that meme is like, soooooooo OVER, but we laughed anyway.

Seriously– wasn't it yesterday that we were knee-deep in eighties slang, rolling our eyes at our parents because they thought we said "Like" too much?  

You guys.  WE HAVE BECOME FERRIS BUELLER'S PARENTS.

 

You guys! I have no idea why my blog decided to re-publish a random post from 2016. I mean, I’m still eating weird Oreos and I still have these same sentiments about brands in general, but as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I haven’t been writing over here for quite some time.

There are many reasons for that, and I won’t bore you with all of them now. I’m not even trying to vagueblog (because that is annoying). I guess the bottom line was that Funny Strange, the blog, which I have had for over ten years, wasn’t “sparking joy” for me anymore, as they say in Marie Kondo land, and I can think of no greater sin for a writer than trying to force the funny.   So, over the past couple of years, I have been writing a little here and there, working on publishing projects through an imprint we’re calling “Funny Strange Press,” posting weird photos on Instagram, and generally trying to figure out life.

Here’s what I’ve made so far that might interest you!

Stephan and I created and published a book called “837 Perfectly Good Names for Your Band,” which is one of the funniest things we have ever done (if I do say so myself). We made this by re-coding a “random band name generator” program, generating thousands of results, then going through them one by one to either make them funnier or eliminate them. It’s exciting that the finished product is now for sale (in time for Christmas), because it actually does make a great gift. It is one of those books that you can pick up, flip to any page, and get a good laugh, and who doesn’t need a good laugh these days? I keep a copy on my desk for when the news gets to be too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.amazon.com/Perfectly-Good-Names-Your-Band/dp/1693521172/

 

Just thought I would pop in over here to say hi and give you a good laugh for your (probably ominous) Monday.

The other day we had a power outage (because it snowed here), and although we have a generator and the power was back on when we got up, the internet had crapped out so I had to call the company.   Can we agree that over 50% of our adult lives is spent solving problems and getting things back where we put them/ the way we wanted them?  I think we can.

Anyhow, while I was waiting on hold for 30 minutes, I wrote this little ha-ha piece, and then Stephan Cox, voiceover guy extraordinaire recorded it.  It makes me laugh all over again every time I listen to it.

So, I guess let’s all try to hang in there through 2016, cross our fingers and hope that no more legendary people die, and brace ourselves for what 2017 might hold.  I am working on some funny stuff for next year to hopefully distract us.

Yesterday I got an unsolicited email from a company called “CabinetonDemand.com.”   I would now like to just enumerate all of the ways this is amusing to me, and to say for the record that I do not feel badly about calling them out, because I have never visited their website or signed up for their email list. I feel that by insinuating themselves into my inbox, they are asking for some light mocking.

Here are my issues with CabinetOnDemand.com and their email:

1. I have no intention of buying cabinets online, ever, because that sounds like a terrible idea to me.   Having just remodeled my house last year, I now know how much cabinets cost and OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CABINETS COST?!   Seriously, one of the shocks of my adult life, how very wrong I was about how much I thought new cabinets were going to cost.   Yes, I realize I am saying “cabinets” repeatedly, which is making the word itself sound kind of absurd. Bottom line: cabinets cost a ton of money. Do not go into the cabinet-buying process all nonchalantly.
2. I did not sign up for this mailing list, which in and of itself is sort of a problem, because as a rule I do not respond to or buy anything from companies that email me without my permission. Granted, maybe they got my email from a partner organization that shared my information, but I am having a hard time understanding buying leads for something as major as a whole set of cabinets, because as I mentioned, BRACE YOURSELF. CABINETS ARE SUPER EXPENSIVE.   That is not an impulse purchase that you are going to want to make from one cold-call type email.
3. Why “CabinetonDemand.com” and not “Cabinets (with an s) onDemand.com.”   I feel like if you can’t get the domain with the “s” in it, maybe you should pick another name for your business.
4. Back to the size and scope of a purchase like this. To me, cabinets are a major decision, not an impulse buy that you can just check off your list, so this push marketing type email where they are offering a screaming deal on “Santa Monica Cabinets” seems weird to me.   This is funny in the exact same way as a sign I pass when I go to my wine store—“Discount Steinways Today!” with an arrow that points into a storefront in a strip mall. Dude. You are not getting out the door with a Steinway piano today. Buying a piano is an arduous, multi-phasic process involving sticker shock, tears, trucks, schedules being moved around, phonecalls, probably some yelling, a payment plan, a scratched floor, maintenance that you didn’t bargain for, and many, many other things. It’s not a fro-yo, and the signage makes me laugh because it really sounds like you can drive out of there right then with a Steinway, like, strapped to the top of your Subaru. Settle down, people. Some things take time.
5. Speaking of things taking time, who exactly is installing my Cabinet on Demand? Do I have to bring my own contractor to this party?   Let me let you in on a secret, having fully remodeled my house last year—CONTRACTORS NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN THE MEASUREMENT PROCESS PRIOR TO THE ORDERING OF THE CABINETS, or all that money you just saved is going right out the window in extra hours and adjustments when your discount cabinets do not fit properly because you took the measurements yourself, bought cabinets from an email you got, then found a contractor and said “make it work!”
6. Why does there need to be a “monthly newsletter” about cabinets?   Who would need to hear about cabinets every single month? Cabinets (like pianos) are one of those things you put your attention on once in a blue moon, cry when you are paying the bill, then try to forget the pain and enjoy your new kitchen. Cabinets are not something for which I would imagine there would be enough content to fill up a monthly newsletter.
7. If you are going to want me to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on your cabinets, I am going to want you to demonstrate your mastery of attention to detail by actually filling in the excerpt text in your email template, rather than leaving the default text there.   The misspellings are not helping to build my confidence either.   You can’t proof your monthly newsletter, but you are going to get every detail of my cabinet order right?   Probably not. Here are some of the egregious errors I noticed with my cursory 30 second glance of this email:

Again, I am not even trying to get mean here, but I did not sign up for this newsletter. I have never interacted with this company, I don’t know anyone there, and I don’t need any cabinets, so the complete randomness of this email just showing up in my inbox is kind of funny to me in general.   The topic is oddly specific, the email is oddly sloppy given the gravity of a purchase like this, and the offer itself is unclear, even when I go to the website. What, exactly, does the $1920 in the newsletter cover?   The fine print is so small, I honestly cannot tell.   When, exactly, will my cabinets be delivered? Again, unclear. Who, exactly, is going to install these mysterious economical cabinets?   I am just not getting that from this email. Why, exactly, am I on this mailing list?   I simply do not know, although I would imagine that after this, I am going to be removed.

Stay tuned for this company to contact me and argue with me!

I am going to take a break from the snarkiness and strangely-named food, today only, so I can tell you about this project I just finished that I am actually proud of because I think it’s going to actually help people.   I would love it if you would tell ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE about this, only because I think it is so super important to have your own website in this day and age, especially if you have something you’re trying to do, like sell books or market music or have a small business or (and this one is huge) take control of your reputation management, which is “what you see when you Google yourself.”

I will not describe the embarrassingly long process of making this video, but I will say that I now have a whole new respect for Stephan Cox, the actual Voice of God, because OMG DID YOU KNOW THAT VOICEOVER IS REALLY HARD?

So, even though this video is on the short side and I tried to be really to the point and boil everything down so that it would be so simple and inexpensive to get started with your own website. I think this is really important, especially if you’re feeling like you want to get started with something but you’re intimidated. I want you to take the first step!   Here is a whole video to help you get started!

See, you can tell I am excited to be getting this video out there because I am using A LOT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS AND ALL-CAPS SENTENCES.

I will settle down now. Watch the video, make a website, and please do not let anyone tell you that you have to know how to code or have a lot of money to start a website.   Not true!   You can do it!

Whoops.   More exclamation points.  Here’s the video.   Please watch it and make a website while I try to calm down.

 

So, I got caught up on American Horror Story:  Freakshow last night (yikes!), and while I was watching, it struck me just how long and convoluted that pre-show warning has become.

With that in mind, I wrote a parody for my hilarious voiceover rockstar husband to record, and here it is.  Not really safe for work.

 

Well well well, is it mid-November already?   I feel like it was just October, and we were just watching the Shining in the dark with all the lights out so we didn’t have to give out any candy, all Scrooge-like.  Actually, we just do that for effect.  We never get any trick-or-treaters anymore.  Is trick-or-treating even still a thing?   Here’s that Halloween Candy post everyone seems to like, just in case you haven’t read it.   That was from back when we actually DID give out candy.

Now, though, we don’t eat as much candy anymore, but we did have quite an amusing conversation about it.

Here it is, memorialized in post form.   We started out posing the simple question “What IS the best candy bar in the world?”

Stephan will begin:

SC:  OK, excluding snooty specialty chocolate (though Lula’s salted caramels—Come. on.), or even imported ones (Lion Bars are the bomb, but any that you get stateside are ALWAYS stale).

Undisputed number one, for a million years running: Snickers. It has everything you want, it has everything you need, it appeals to pretty much everyone (except for people with peanut allergies, who, sadly, probably can’t eat any candy bars anyway, and MY GOD IT MUST SUCK SO BAD). Plus it has been around since we were kids, so it turns out, you can go home again, at least in terms of candy bars.

Lori and I disagree slightly from here on out. Here’s my list:

Kit Kat. I love this candy bar, mostly because it’s crunch and chocolatey, but also because I can trick myself into thinking I’m being good by only eating three of the bars. I’m easily fooled.

Nestle Crunch. A sentimental favorite. There’s nothing particularly special about it, but it just works. Rice krispies in chocolate. If you don’t like that, I’m afraid we can’t be friends.

This is when I chime in:

LC:  Hey, what about Butterfinger?   Are you mental?  That clearly belongs as # 2.   In fact, every one of my favorite candy bars (aside from Snickers, on that we agree) contains peanut butter in some form, because peanut butter is the world’s most wonderful food.

Fun fact:  I was one of those SUPER picky eater kids, and I survived by eating one peanut butter on wheat bread sandwich for lunch every day until I was 18 years old.   Let me substantiate this claim by telling you that I have still not tried certain foods like Brussels Sprouts, and I only dared to try an artichoke when I was in my 30s.   Yes, it was that crazy.   For this reason, all of my favorite candy bars include peanut butter.  Sorry, that’s just how it is.

My # 2 choice goes to Butterfinger.   What, exactly, are those pieces of peanut-buttery flake things made of?  You know what?  Don’t even tell me.   Butterfingers are so good, I would eat a whole bag of those little Halloween ones if I allowed them into the house, which I do not, for this very reason.

My # 3 choice goes to Whatchamacallit.  DELICIOUS, and probably the most underrated and underreported of the candies.   The perfect blend of chocolate, peanut butter (note the theme) and crispy things.    I feel like the Nestle Crunch and the (obvious knock-off) Krackel bar are just Whatchamacallits without the peanut butter, and that is just wrong.

# 4—Continuing with the “peanut butter is vital to everything” concept, I will select the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup as my # 4 fave.  The only problem with the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is that they are just over too fast.  Why do I feel like a Butterfinger lasts longer?  Is it because you’re still picking those peanut butter flakes out of your teeth for half an hour after you eat one?   Also:  Reese’s is really good as a fro-yo topping.

SC: Yes, I went mental for a moment. Butterfinger. How on earth did I leave that one out? It’s such a strong second position (notice I didn’t say “number two”?) that I could occasionally swap it out with the top position, depending on how high I am. Good call.

I’m with you on the peanut butter thing, and I reiterate—I feel so damn bad for people with peanut allergies. It is my dear hope that each of them get reincarnated in the next life as someone who gets to eat all the sweet, peanut-and-chocolatey goodness that this plane of existence can provide.

LC:  hey, you know what’s gross?  Straight peanuts in chocolate.  Like Mr. Goodbars, or Babe Ruths.    I just don’t like that “crunch” feeling in my candy bar.  Except for Snickers, the Greatest Candy Bar on Earth, which is exempt from any and all rules and criticisms.   I also object to other crunchy nuts in chocolate, like almonds and hazelnuts, because just….how dare you?

SC: Disagree, but not strongly enough to get into some shit about it. I liked me a Mr. Goodbar when I was a kid, although, does anyone else remember the Hershey’s pack of minis from Halloween? If I recall, they contained, in miniature form: Hershey bars (plain, but the old reliable workhorse of the chocolate world, right?), Hershey bars with almonds (I liked them, but wouldn’t fight about it), Mr. Goodbar (mentioned above: pretty darn good), and then there was Krackel (agreed, their unabashed ripoff of a Nestle Crunch Bar), and Special Dark, which, when you’re a kid, if someone gave you one of those, it’s like they were mad at you. But the thing I found that was most curious about the last two is that I never, ever saw them in the full bar size. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think they were embarrassed about their almost libelous ripoff of the Crunch Bar and just plain ashamed of the Special Dark to make full sized versions.

I, too, love Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, so much that I might have to again revise and put them in my #3 position. But: I actually like the crunchy peanut butter version. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you a) either don’t remember that, or b) if you did, you will vehemently dispute me on this point.

LC:   I do remember the crunchy version.  Again, as the World’s Pickiest Eater, I did not appreciate the variety offered by the actual whole peanuts in the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that I liked so much.  Of course, once I was 35, I tried crunchy peanut butter for the first time, and now I like that even better than regular, so it’s possible that, were I re-introduced to crunchy version today, I would like that one better too.

Side note:  didn’t your parents always end up eating the Special Dark bars?   I sometimes think that parenthood is all tiredness and leftover candy, which might explain why I am not a parent.  It does give me a new appreciation for my mom, though.  She would totally eat those Special Darks for me, though now that I am recalling it, she ALSO was a fan of the Snickers, and would sometimes mock-wrestle me for those.

SC: Although I’m sure she’d let you win. Because sacrificing for their children is what parents do. It’s funny—I’m now a much bigger dark chocolate fan now than I was when I was a kid. When I was a kid, dark chocolate was, like, some twisted bastard’s idea of what chocolate should be. I imagined some inventor in a lab somewhere declaring, “I know what kids like! Chocolate! Only without the sugar! And really fucking bitter!” I think something happens to our palates when we get older—I know mine has changed to crave way more bitter flavors. That being said, if we had kids, I’d steal the shit out of those Snickers bars on Halloween. Given everything that I see our friends who have kids do for their kids, I think fair is fair.

Have we come full circle?

LC: I actually trained myself to like Dark Chocolate because I read in a women’s magazine that eating several pieces of dark chocolate after a meal would help you not eat dessert.  Isn’t that SO anorexi-girl of me?    I mean, when you get old, you have to count every fucking calorie, so I guess it’s good that I started that a few years ago.   Now I can have exactly three pieces of that Dove Dark Chocolate before I have to sentence myself to extra treadmill time the next day.  Snickers?  Special occasion only, baby.

SC: Yep. The tragic truth: We can’t even write a piece IMAGINING listing our favorite candy bars without adding a disclaimer about how we actually can’t eat them. These are your 40s, kids. Savor your youth. And your Snickers bars.

Well well well….here I am again!  I’ve been working on a BIG BIG project all summer (announcement to come soon!), and part of the time at least, I’ve been doing it on a treadmill desk that I finally got around to putting together.   Because several people noticed my dramatically increased step-count on Fitbit.com and Twitter (I use the Fitbit pedometer to track my steps) and asked me what was going on and why I was walking 10 + miles per day now, I thought I would just give you a little breakdown of the desk with a photo.  I really love it, and it was not complicated at all to set up.

The Treadmill:  The first component in the treadmill desk is, of course, the treadmill.  I use this Confidence Power Plus treadmill, which is super inexpensive and foldable.    I got mine from Amazon for $199 (not a typo) and because I have Prime, it was delivered for free in two days.  Winning!

The Desk:  I used the IKEA “Fredrik” desk, which unfortunately they have stopped making.   I got mine on Craig’s List for $60, then modified it to only have one shelf.  Side note:  if you are going to buy something from Craig’s List, take a friend, because MURDER.   It also works great as a standing desk (I’ve been using it that way as well).   If you are crafty, I bet you could just build a similar one by looking at the photo or Googling “IKEA Fredrik Desk” and downloading the pdf of the plans/ directions from IKEA.  I’m just saying.

The Setup:  Here’s where I give props out to Super Husband Stephan Cox, who took time out of his day to put the initial desk together, then worked with me to position it correctly.  The only thing that took some finessing was actually getting the desk to fit over the treadmill, which we achieved by putting shelves underneath the base.   I read an article where the guy actually disassembled part of the treadmill in order to get the controller loose, but I didn’t think this was going to have a successful outcome if I did it, so I solved this problem by bending the controller all the way forward, then setting up the top part of the desk on top of it.  Yes, this does mean I have to start the treadmill by bending under the desk, and yes, this does mean that I can’t actually control the speed while I’m on it, but this has not been a problem at all (I just hop off if I want to adjust or stop it).

The Speed:  This one took some trial and error.   Because I am a nerd, I did all this research on how fast the treadmill should be going in order to actually get work done (including this New York Times article).  I’ve found that I can keep it going at 1 mph (no, it’s not that fast) for regular writing and emailing (i.e., things that require thinking), 2 mph for things like Facebook, Twitter, and phonecalls in general, and that I need to stop and sit down for actual analytical thought/ creative problem solving.   This speed is going to totally vary for you, so you will need to try it out.  Also, yes, I did get a headache the first week, trying to teach my brain to multitask in this way.

Feel free to ask questions about this, which I will update within the post.   If you have a home office, I highly suggest setting this up!

 

Oh yes, we did another video. In this edition, we sample foods that seem like they are going to be disgusting. Surprise! They are. Please watch this to see our reactions.