So, I gave up caffeine. Eight days ago, to be exact. Now,
when I say caffeine, please bear in mind the difficulty of this undertaking, since I LOVE COFFEE. Love it. I would drink (and have drunk) coffee every day since college, and
before that I drank decaf in high school, just because I loved it so much. Diet Coke too. I know, I know, it’s bad for you, it kills
brain cells, I have a nervous personality anyway, blah blah blah, but I like
it, ok? That buzz you get when you have
coffee? I like it. I’m not saying it’s not a cruel mistress—I have
insomnia and stomach issues like any good caffeine junkie. I guess I just needed a little more impetus
to actually kick the habit.
This year at my annual exam, my doctor said this would be a
good idea, and I went “um…I don’t think so, but thanks.” Actually, he says this every year, and I have
the same response. Look, I quit smoking—what
more does he want from me? This year,
though, he said it more seriously, referenced some family history-genetic stuff
that’s really not going to be helped by continuing to drink coffee, and I guess
sort of scared me enough to try it. Of
course, this was in March, and I’ve just gotten around to it eight days ago,
because you know what? I love
coffee. Oh, and decaf? Not an option either. My OTHER doctor forbids red wine, chocolate,
and decaf coffee. Too much acid. So, I was sort of getting around to the whole
“getting off of caffeine” thing, slowly but surely.
But, here’s the thing—two weeks ago, we bought a house. A HOUSE. Well, actually, a townhouse, but it’s in
so dude, it’s the price of a big house anywhere else in the country. Right after signing the final offer on this
house, I realized that I was not going to be able to continue to drink caffeine,
buy this house, and sleep at night. Like, I could either have the house, or I
could have coffee and Diet Coke. Since
there was no turning back (and with my doctor’s warnings ringing in my ears), I
decided that, sadly, my darling caffeine had to go, because it was not helping me.
First, I cut out soda, and JUST DOING THAT gave me one of
those “no caffeine” headaches, if that gives you any indication of how
over-caffienated I was. On Saturday the
22nd, I had my LAST cup of coffee. Oh, did I mention that I was one
of those kids who drank Coke AND Diet Coke? So, I haven’t been non-caffienated in, I’m just guessing here, 25
years.
Because I wanted a few days under my belt before I made this
news public because caffeine is (was) such an integral part of my existence, I
told only a few people, which also forced me to tell these few people just how
much caffeine I actually drank that I would be going through junkie-like
withdrawal. That was embarrassing. So, now I’m on Day Eight, the headache is
gone and the crippling fatigue is finally beginning to lift. Actually, it’s almost exactly like when I
quit smoking—I even have acne, depression, and the scary withdrawal nightmares. So yeah, that’s been just great.
Here’s where the funny comes in. On Day Four I was grouchy beyond belief, so I
went to Whole Foods to see what they had in the way of “healthy coffee
alternatives.” These had the sum total effect of just making
me grouchier. Like, give me a
break. Teecino does not taste like
coffee. Yes, yes I know—it’s the coffee
alternative that’s good for you, it actually helps your system, yes yes
yes. But, guess what? It’s not coffee, and it should stop trying to
act like coffee. Frankly, it tastes like dirt, twigs, and some
bear scat with a slightly fruity aftertaste. Or maybe like potting soil. What
it does NOT taste like is coffee. And I
resent that it’s in a little tin, trying to act like it’s coffee.
Next stop – RoastAroma!, a product I can barely even buy
because of its screaming lack of irony, compounded with my non-caffienated
grouchiness. RoastAroma! Really? They’re so excited about
it not being coffee, they had to put an exclamation point RIGHT IN THE
NAME? Saturday afternoon, I kid you not, I brewed up
a cup of RoastAroma!, took a sip, and involuntarily made a face so horrible, I
couldn’t UN-make it for a good 45 seconds. There should be a warning on the package. “Looks like coffee, tastes like poo.”
The next morning, I mention RoastAroma! to Stephan (who’s
now won a “World’s Most Tolerant Husband” award), and he says “I noticed the
packaging….two hikers overlooking a tranquil mountainscape. It totally looks like there should be a
caption on it that says
“You know what would make this moment so much more perfect?
”Some coffee?”
“Yeah”
We are still laughing about this, and in fact have written on the package “I
wish I could have coffee” inside a thought bubble we drew next to the female
hiker. Because I’m sorry, who on Earth
would drink RoastAroma! if they didn’t have to? The answer is no one. Finally,
FINALLY, someone told me about water- processed decaf, which apparently still
tastes like coffee, but doesn’t have acid. So, once I am totally done with caffeine withdrawal, I may try
that. For now, it’s hot lemon water and
a total lack of irony for me.
The upshot of all this? I think I’m almost done with caffeine detox. RoastAroma! is gross. There should so totally be a caffeine patch. We bought a house. We’re packing. Eventually I’m going to look back on this
time and laugh.
Just not now.