A few months ago, I read something about the cervical cancer vaccine, and literally RAN to my doctor to ask for it. Because here’s the thing. If you put the words "cancer" and "vaccine" together, I am there. I don’t care if you’re vaccinating against a type of cancer that only people who live in Zimbabwe get, or cancer you can only get by jumping out of buildings, or even penis cancer or cancer of another organ I don’t have. I love science, I think vaccinations are awesome, and I want no part of cancer of any kind, so I will gladly get whatever they have, whenever they have it.
I got the shot– technically, it’s a series of three, and just last Friday I got the last one. So, now I’m IMMUNE TO CANCER. At least one kind, or at least the vaccine that causes one kind. So, that makes me feel kind of like a superhero.
Here’s where the funny comes in. My doctor’s office warned me this might happen, and frankly, I could give a shit, because it’s CANCER VACCINE, but I just thought I’d pass on this tidbit of bureaucratic foolery. My insurance company TOTALLY won’t pay for the cancer vaccine, because (get this), I’m TOO OLD to have gotten it in the first place. Yeah, my doctor didn’t think I was too old to GIVE ME the shot, but the insurance company won’t pay, because they have a "window of time" where you can get it, and I’m outside that window. Like I said, I could care less because I’m healthy and have the money to pay for the vaccine, but just so they knew I objected, I called and talked to an extremely dry woman at the insurance company about how lame I thought this policy was. Here’s an excerpt from our conversation, which became progressively more absurd the longer it went on. By the way, the photo above is NOT an actual likeness of the insurance company lady who dissed me, but she does look like she’s hiding corporate secrets, so I thought it would do.
Me: So…..I see here on my statement that you’re not paying for me to get the vaccination for cervical cancer?
Insurance company lady: No ma’am (see, she had to throw the ma’am in there, to remind me that according to them, I am old. OLD!)
Me: OK, but you do understand that actual CANCER is more expensive than this vaccine, right?
Insurance company lady: Yes, but technically, you shouldn’t be getting that shot. It’s for people within a certain age range. (ouch!)
Me: Right, but if my doctor thinks I’m healthy enough to get it and feels comfortable administering it, shouldn’t that override your policy?
Insurance company lady: Um…..no. We have guidelines in place for vaccinations, in order to stop loss. It’s how the insurance company works. (see, now she’s educating me, AND calling me old)
Me: But…don’t you think these things should be on a case-by-case basis? I mean, that seems a little arbitrary, and technically, I’m not THAT much older than the guideline.
Insurance company lady: Policies aren’t decided on a case-by-case basis, ma’am. That’s why they’re policies. (again, she thinks I’m old….and stupid)
Me: OK, say I go to a foreign country and adopt a child who’s had no immunizations, and yet is of school age. I have to get him or her the vaccinations in order to enroll them in school and to live in this country, and yet, since they’re technically too old to GET the vaccinations, your company wouldn’t cover them? (SNAP!)
Insurance company lady: Nope.
Me: WHAT? Are you sure about that? Is there someone to whom I can write a letter of appeal?
Insurance company lady: About your unvaccinated, adopted child? (She actually might NOT be being sarcastic, I can’t tell over the phone).
Me: What? No! I meant that rhetorically. We’re still talking about me being too old for the cancer vaccine. Ok– what if I hadn’t had chicken pox yet? Since they didn’t MAKE that vaccine when I was within the age window to get it, could I get it now?
Insurance company lady: (Sighing) Probably not.
I wonder how many times per day this woman has this highly philosophical conversation. I did end up writing a letter, just to express my concern about this seemingly iron-clad policy, which I think is stupid. But again, I could care less, because now I AM IMMUNE TO CANCER, dude!