Category: Funny Ha Ha

So, my father rebuilds/ restores cars as his hobby– have I mentioned this before?    He is very, very good at this.

He takes cars that look like this and like, completely remakes them so they can be (and are) shown in museums.  He actually just sent me the “after” version of this car, which I will post at the bottom of this post.

He was recently considering a Corvair as his next project, which I guess is the “Unsafe at Any Speed” car, and the other day Stephan and I were discussing how we didn’t really know WHY it was declared this, and instead of just Googling it like normal people, we decided to just make up some possibilities.

Car Features That Didn’t Work Out:

Knee-operated steering wheel

Driver’s-side exhaust fan

Inward shattering windshield

Poison tipped door locks

Dashboard hibachi

Propane filled tires

Razor handled gear shift

Isadora Duncan scarf accessory attaches to undercarriage of car

Uranium battery

Piano wire seatbelts

Frame made of balsa wood

OK, here’s the “after” photo of that Corvette:

I don't know if you know this about me, but I like buying real estate.  I like it so much, in fact, that in addition to the place where we live in L.A. (about to become a rental, in case you know anyone!), we also have property in other places like Austin and Dallas and some other places.  I say this only to preface the fact that I get a number of different email listings for houses in various areas of the country, and lately I have noticed, shall we say, a tone change?

It's like real estate people have given up, y'all.  They're not even doing that thing where they're like "it's charming and cozy."  Now they're just saying "small," like "it's small, ok?  Buy it or don't.  It's already marked down 40%."  This is especially true of the bank-owned properties.  The banks now have so many of these, they're cataloging them like dogs at the death-row pound.  "This one is beige, and it seems like he's fine.  Take him or don't– it's all the same to us."

I got this stunning example of a "we don't care anymore" real estate description in my inbox just today.  Please note that this was attached to the listing INSTEAD of the description.  You can almost hear the dejected sigh of the bank representative as you read it:

Sale Includes: Microwave Oven
Roofing: Tile
Sewer/Septic System: No Sewer or Septic
Shower: 2 or More Stall Showers
Water Sources: Other Water
Year Built: 1944

Wow, sign me up!  This one is almost as appealing as the "house with roots growing through the foundation" that I found on the MLS a few years ago, or (even better) the "house that is small and dank, needs work, and has a squatter" that was on a hand-written list I got from a sad realtor in a mountain town that I will not name. 

I'm just saying, even though prices are way down and the market is all downtrodden, I would still like a nice description, even if it's just a real-estate snowjob.  Wouldn't you? 

 Whoooooo— hoooo!  Sorry for that last post.

Hey, when I bring it down, I bring it ALL the down, right?  After that last post, like three different people were all "Wow….that post was sad, and it made me tear up a little bit….snap out of it!"  Well, I guess they didn't really say that last part, but I feel guilty when I use you guys as free therapy.  So– back to the funny!   This was a post I wrote on the way home from New York a few weeks ago, about how I have so much hair, I look very bad in hats.  Is that more what you're looking for?  Well, no problem.  I don't really like talking about the dusty and depressing Storage Unit of Doom anyway.

I have this theory, and maybe I'm wrong and it's only true about me, that the more hair you have, the worse you look in hats.   I'm basing this theory completely on the unscientific observation that I have alot of hair and most (all) hats look terrible on me, and Stephan has (ahem) much less hair, and almost all hats look great on him. 

This is rarely a problem– until you get to the east coast in the winter, where it is so cold outside that even if it looks terrible on you (me), you must still wear a hat to keep your ears from freezing and falling off.   This is the one time I will make an exception to the "hats generally look bad on me" rule in favor of suffering hypothermia.  Now it's a running joke, and every time I put on a hat, Stephan describes approximately what I look like.  I am totally not saying this to make him sound like an a-hole, because he is not one, and I am participating in this game as well and think it's funny.  What I'm trying to say is– he's not making fun of me, we're both just observing this phenomenon with amusement.   We can spend an hour in a hat store this way.

I went to the east coast with my two least unflattering hats, and here is a short compilation of one-liners that we compiled during the week:

"That hat makes you look like a Fisher Price character."

"I look like I just got back from the merchant marines."

"What's that, seaman Culwell?"

"This one looks like a condom on top of my head.  How is it possible that it looks so good on you, and so bad on me?"

And so on.   I keep trying to find one of those beret-type hats that looks good on me, and frankly, it just looks like a hair-sack.  But, as Stephan says "Bad hats aside, you're the one with the hair– so you win."

I solved this problem once by buying a green wool hat with green wool dreadlocks sticking up out of the top.   This hat was so Muppet-like and absurdly ridiculous that it detracted from the "Hats Look Bad" factor and just captivated people with its weirdness.  I have a similar-looking black hat, but it looks a little like that of a court jester. 

Why am I telling you all of this?  Well, this is the one time of year I am happier living on the west coast, because the hat/ winter hair problem is really an issue that plagues me for three months when I live on the east coast.    

Sometimes I think I should just have a blog dedicated to photos I take with my phone while I'm out walking around.  It could be called "Walking in L.A.," or "Walking in New York," or wherever I happen to be walking.  What do you think?  A whole new niche market for me?  Maybe I can get some endorsement money from AT & T for taking pictures of weird stuff with their phones. Let's get right on that, shall we?

I'm saying this because I was just cleaning all the photos out of my phone, and was totally amused by the amount of funny stuff I seem to photograph.  Like, what do other people use their camera-phones for?  What did I do before I had a phone to capture these moments with, and a blog to share them on?  Isn't technology so amazing, and isn't it weird that I am sort of misusing it in this way that amuses me so much?

Here's one I pulled off the phone from our trip to New York a couple of weeks ago.  If you don't think this is funny, well– I don't know what to tell you.

I like this one alot, too– when we passed this store I actually stopped and said to Stephan– "Hey, how much do you think the shoes in that store cost?"

I also like the fact that the shoes are just in a pile on the floor of the display window.  For $39, what do you want from them?  We actually went into this store, and it's one of those places where everything is just a little bit off, like the shoes are called "Manolo Glahnik" and "Bottega Zeneta," and they're all in weird sizes.  Needless to say, we did not end up buying any shoes that day.

Here's another gem– it's a store, and all they sell is mannequins, so you know it's really quiet in there all the time.   I guess mannequins have to come from somewhere, and in case your kid wiggles around alot, you could just go ahead and buy this little child-size one for $125, so you'd never have to take them to a store and make them try on clothes ever again.

For my fourth and final photo, I would like to call your attention to a wig store, where someone thinks you should buy a wig that is almost certainly uglier than your own hair:

Oh yeah.   And it wasn't even Halloween when I took this picture.   That's what they're going out with, ok?  They think this looks totally fine, and like, what's your problem?  You think a wig should look good?  Who are you, Jennifer Lopez?

Maybe you’ve never seen a post about our dog, but here’s another one just to catch you up. Oh, and if you’re wondering– I’m less inundated with crazy deadlines than yesterday, but still not to the point where I can gather up all the funny photos I’ve been collecting and give them my full attention.  But– look what Stephan is teaching the dog to do!

Yes, that’s a treat on his face.  What I like most about this picture is his expression, like "You guys, this is ridiculous.  I am calling my union."  Even if you’re not a dog person, I think you can agree that he’s got some totally funny and readable faces, this dog. 

As another example, here’s what happens when we try to give him leftover food:

Now, I don’t know if you have a normal pet, but I used to have another dog a long time ago, and she never (and I repeat, NEVER) took food over to her bed so she could think about it for awhile before she ate it.  Basically with that dog, the food hit the floor, and then it was gone.   Here’s how it goes when we try to give food to Baxter, who obviously is suffering from some kind of mental disorder for which he needs medication:

Get food out of fridge. 
Call dog over.
Call dog over.
Call dog over sternly.
Dog sighs, then ambles over to food.
Hold food out for him.
Dog sniffs food, sighs.  Looks at you like "I’m uncertain about this, but I think you’re going to be upset if I don’t take this food, so here goes."
Dog takes food in mouth, ever so slowly, stares at you for a second with food still in mouth.  Sometimes, dog whines about food in his mouth.
Dog turns around and goes back to his bed, where he drops the food.
Dog sighs.
Dog lies down next to food, as if to consider or contemplate it for awhile.  He needs to be left alone now, so he can think about eating it.
Go over to dog, ask him why he’s not like other dogs. 
Dog gives you a look like "Don’t be mad."

Go away to get camera, to document the antics of the World’s Weirdest Dog.

While you were gone, dog has moved food over to the other side of his bed so he can stare at it for while.  Go away, ok?  He’s not comfortable with you watching him watch the food.  This is disturbing him perhaps more than the cold pizza.

Eventually, dog eats food, but not without a protracted existential battle and perhaps some analysis under a microscope.  Is it ok for him to eat it?   Is he in more trouble if he eats it, or just leaves it sitting there?  Why isn’t he like other dogs? 

Yes, I know you’re about to leave a comment about how "he learned it by watching me."  But, dude– I’m not even this weird about food.  Anymore. 

Well, actually it was Stephan and I saying this, but it was pretty amusing so I thought I’d share.  Plus, since I’m doing my slavish word count every day for National Novel Writing Month and editing another book at the same time, I barely even have time to log in to this blog to see if Mischa Barton’s fan club is still SENDING PEOPLE OVER HERE WITH A LINK INSIDE A THREAD.  Yeah, that’s the way to make me go away.  Send more people over here.   

Me:  "Why does that guy have a fire extinguisher on his bicycle, and why is that bicycle inside CVS?  This whole thing makes no sense."

Stephan:  "I think you’re overlooking the fact that he’s wearing argyle socks and a cape.  The fire extinguisher is really the least of his concern."

In case you like this kind of bizarre randomness, there is a whole site called "Overheard in New York," which you should most assuredly hurry over to right now and spend some quality work time. 

Damn You, Al Jarreau!

Hey, did you know that if you happen to walk into a store, and that store is playing “We’re in This Love Together,” by Al Jarreau, that you will then not be able to stop singing that damn song all day?   And in fact, as if by mind control, you will get your husband to start singing it, and then you will have to write about it on your blog, so everyone you know will then start singing it, thus re-awakening the insidiousness of this song, and spreading Jarreau all over the globe?

Yeah, before I thought it was just a catchy song.  Now, I’m thinking it’s more like a virus that just has to pass.  This is the virus I’m calling "Jarreau."

Here– I’ll show you how it spreads.

“Weee’re in this love together…..we got the kind that brings to mind a favorite song…..a yeah yeah yeah.”

I dare you to stop singing this song now.

This brings me to another, similar topic, which is "names that sound like medical afflictions."  Now, granted, the "Jarreau" is brought on by listening to Al Jarreau songs, but still, you have to admit that Jarreau does sound rather like a disease, or perhaps a foodstuff or some other weird thing.

Here are some others that come to mind:

1.  Eva Longoria.  This one’s the worst.  "Oh man….I went to Mexico over Spring Break, and I got the worst case of Eva Longoria.  I was totally in the bathroom the whole time."

2.  Antonin Scalia.  Sounds like a skin rash, perhaps one that requires a course of cortisone to treat.
"The Scalia has spread to my hands and face!"

3.  Plaxico Burress.  This actually sounds less like a disease and more like the name of a town in the Old West….."take that there dusty ol’ trail up Plaxico Burress, and turn right at the big ol’ tree, ya hear?"

4.  Hayden Pannettiere– a light and fluffy, possily fruit filled dessert.  "Waiter, you know what?  I’m going to splurge and have the Hayden Pannettiere with a decaf latte."

Oh, and also– listen to our radio show, Funny Strange Live, today (Friday) at 1:00 pm Pacific Time.  Just click the "MyShow" button to the right to tune in, or visit www.nowlive.com/funnystrange to text or call in!

I’ve impressed myself with my technical prowess over the weekend, managing to figure out in less than three hours (perhaps an exaggeration) how to add the widget to this site for our radio show, Funny Strange Live, which premiered last week.  In case you had a real emergency to attend to (which would be the only reason why you wouldn’t be listening, right?) ,  you can  click on  the "My Live Show" button in the right hand column, and it will start right up!

I have to say, I was VERY impressed with Stephan’s triumphant return to radio.  He’s still got it!    After you get caught up on this show, be sure to tune in this Friday for our next show!  This week’s topic is "He Does Voices," and we’ll be interviewing some famous voiceover guys, which promises to be absolutely filled with hilarity.  http://www.nowlive.com/funnystrange , in case you absolutely don’t see the big green button to your right, right over there.

Note:  Our show is rated "moderate," meaning we might have used some profanity once or twice during the broadcast.  Or… maybe three times.  I’m just warning you, when Stephan gets going on jury duty, all bets are off, dude.

Lately, I’m getting this question more and more– someone will tell me something totally bizarre or random, then cover their mouth and furtively glance around and say "Are you going to write about this on your blog?"

Well, let me just clear this up for you.  OF COURSE I’m going to write about it on my blog.  I consider it my purpose in life to make your dinner party, or your workday, or your next conversation more entertaining, so I think it’s my MISSION to write about stuff that I find funny and weird, like a pimp on a bus, or a person named Groovy Nipples Schwartzman.  OF COURSE I’m not going to use real names of people who tell me these things, because then no one would ever tell me anything ever again, right?  And I want to keep writing this blog forever, or at least until I win the lottery or get a million dollar book contract.  And even then, Andy Dick washing his food with vodka is still probably just going to be too good not to share.

Also, in response to my fear of mold, my friend K. sent me this horrifying anecdote, which you know is only going to fuel the fire of crazy:

Yesterday I was at a corner and saw a sign for a "Gentlemen’s Club" called SilverReign.  I never noticed it before, perhaps because of its exceedingly classy name and signage.  This made me think– I wonder how many gentlemen are actually driving around, looking for a gentlemen’s club, and totally miss that one because it’s not called something obvious like "World of Boobs!"    I mean, why beat around the bush (so…to….speak)?  Then I started thinking, it’s probably not legal to call your place of business that, even though it would totally get you alot more customers, because it would make property values go down to have a club next door called "Mad Boobs in Your Face!" or something like that.  The BadaBing! and "Jumbo’s Clown Room" are two good examples of strip club names that sound pretty much like what they are (dank, dirty, filled with skanky girls).  In fact, when I was in college I heard about a strip club in the area called "Captain Creams," which is, I think, a little too far in the other direction. There must be a middle ground between "What the hell is that place?" and "Oh my God a strip club just moved into the neighborhood." 

Don’t get me wrong– I don’t morally object to strip bars or anything.  I just think it’s a little sad that no one ever told those girls that they could be lawyers.   I’m just saying, I bet the Hustler Gentlemen’s Club  or Tens take in more money than SilverReign, just on name alone. 

Here are some humorous strip club names I found during a cursory search of the internets.  I found a  list that’s pretty great– it made me laugh out loud more than once.   I do find  it a little odd that out of this whole list, there’s an inordinately large number of strip clubs called "Deja Vu."  Is that because you’re having essentially the same experience every time you go there?  Just wondering.  There’s one in Van Nuys that’s just called "Strippers," which I think is the funniest.  Because just put it out there, you know?    Don’t mince words.

Here are some names I thought were winners:

1.  4 Play
Funny– maybe they play alot of Prince songs there.

2.  Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen’s Cabaret
um….this sounds like absurdist French theater to me.

3.  Bare Elegance
Fantastic trashy name, AND it’s in Inglewood– you know the girls there have one tooth.

4.  California Girls Night Club
Decent name, but it’s in Santa Ana.  That’s right– a strip club for strippers who couldn’t make it in LA.  $3 lap dances, anyone?

5.  Star Strip Too
Not bad–sounds a little like it was named by someone for whom English was not a first language

6.  Valley Ball Cabaret: 
Sounds like they were trying to fit the words "Ball" and "Cabaret" into a name, and they really wanted the meeting about the name to be over.

7.  Bare N’ Legal. 
Just….oh my God.  "Yeah, I live in the apartment complex down the street from the Bare N’ Legal…."

8.   Golddiggers Gentlemen’s Club.
Again, you have to respect the fact that they just put it out there like that. 

9.  Sam’s HofBrau
Misleading– there is a real chance you could go there for a nice lunch with your business colleagues, and end up totally embarrassed.

10. Hollywood East
In La Puente.  Now that’s east.

I think just from this list, I have to say my favorite is "Lusty Lady" in San Francisco.   Maybe I’m just old-fashioned when it comes to strip club names.

Click here if you want to see the list– but, don’t click it at work.