When Strange Writing Meets Good Intentions…..

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Pillow

I know, I KNOW!   The intentions behind this Target campaign are good.  In fact, I like this effort so much, I'm going to link you over to it to find out more about how buying stuff at Target can help feed hungry people.
However.
"This pillow will feed 20 people" really sounds like those 20 hungry people are going to have to eat the pillow, does it not?   At least, that was my first thought when I saw this ad– "Wow, that pillow does not look delicious at all."
I'm also sensing a tacit Jesus Christ reference here, like Target is saying they are going to take that pillow, and, using the power of your money, turn it into fishes and loaves.   
Despite their questionable views on gay marriage, I'm going to just go ahead and say "Good for you Target for feeding hungry people, even if your advertising is strangely worded."

Product Photography Fail

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Here’s a sign that made me think– Hmmmm, maybe it would have been better to just show an avocado and some cilantro.  Because, to be honest with you, I love avocados.  Cilantro is delicious, and I eat hummus like it’s going out of style.  But….combine all these things together and photograph it like you have here, and not only does it not make me want to try it, but it looks a little like someone drove over a pile of green slime, then put a feather in it for good measure.
Actually, it looks much grosser than that, like some kind of weird frog roadkill, but that’s about as far as I wanted to go, thinking of examples of what this looked like.  My Facebook friends are usually much better at this kind of thing than I am, so when they crowd-source the perfect description, I will update this.

Gardein Wants to “Sweep Me Off My Meat.” I Object.

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2013-06-15 20.42.44I don’t know why, but I’ve been listening to Pandora a lot
lately, and as you know, Pandora has advertisements if you don’t upgrade (as to
opposed to Hulu Plus, WHICH HAS ADS EVEN IF YOU PAY FOR IT WHY WHY WHY), so
I’ve been actually listening to radio ads, and some of them are really, really
bad.

Here’s an example:  
Gardein, which is a meat substitute I have not tried but am not opposed
to (except for the fact that they are all "GARDEN + PROTEIN = GARDEIN), has this totally weird commercial running currently with the tagline
“Gardein—let us sweep you off your meat!”

Every time I hear this, I physically cringe and am
embarrassed for the human race.   So, SO
BAD.   Just, not good on any level, like
from the use of the pun to the imagery it creates in your mind.  SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR MEAT?   Yuck.

I Googled this cringe-worthy turn of phrase to find the
commercial (I could not), but in so doing, I encountered several people on
Twitter who were like “WHAT A GREAT SLOGAN,” and then I just wanted to punch
the internet in the face.

Also, I wish Pandora had a function that would allow you to "Thumbs Down" ads, because I would be ALL OVER THAT.

Photo Funny

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It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these posts, and I realized it’s because I mostly just throw these types of photos up on Facebook.  Really though, that’s a shame– here I am wasting so much cool technology on ridiculous and absurd things I observe while I am out and about, and I’m not sharing them with you anymore?  Pshaw!

Today’s subject is weird food.   For example, here is a bucket of “party mix” that, frankly, looks like something that someone swept off the floor FOLLOWING  a party:

IMG_0394 

As you can tell, I am often amused in the grocery store.   I barely got the rest of the way down the aisle before I saw this fantastic product:

IMG_0435 

Let me get this straight– one day (a few years ago), an executive at Frito Lay pitched “Spinach Dip” as a product..  OK, this sounds fine…..the new “spinach dip” product made it all the way through development, testing, focus group, and trial marketing, and no one ever mentioned that they should maybe use a DARK CONTAINER for this, because it looks so disgusting? 

OK then.   I don’t work at Frito Lay, so I guess I am not in expert in products that should never, never have a clear container.  But, it seems like if I were an expert, this would be one of them.

Here’s another product that I’m not sure should have made it all the way through development.  Actually, it might just be the advertising that’s the problem here– if you’ll notice, the “breakfast bowl” product is eggs, bacon, sausage, and some other disgusting thing all inside a bowl that you can microwave, thus insuring that you consume the maximum amount of sodium and chemicals.  The problem here is that, until you look at it closely, this really looks like a bowl of cereal, and it is only your REALIZATION that it is actually a hot bowl of eggs and meat that makes it so yucky.

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And really, if you don’t have the time to cook a “weekend breakfast,” maybe you should wait for the weekend.   What you’re gaining here in terms of time, you might be sacrificing in sodium intake. 

This photo falls under the auspices of “Um….I would hope so.”

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Also, does this mean that they are only guaranteeing that the SEAFOOD is fresh, and not the rest of the food?  Again, maybe someone in advertising should have though through all the possible connotations and various meanings of this.

The One Where I Deconstruct Commercials for Their Funny Potential

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Wow!  It's been quite a week.  The Zeno Hot Spot launch, the Huffington Post blog, and a LOT of work.  Also, did I mention that we're staying at a house with no DVR so I've been watching commercials?  I've been taking notes, and I would now like to share them with you.  Here are a few that I've noticed over the past week or two, in no particular order.  Each of them struck me as strange enough to write down.  These, of course, are in addition to the totally awkward Black Friday ads that I pointed out a few weeks back. 

1.     The Kay Jewelers commercial where the guy comes in and is all “is the baby sleeping?” and the tired-looking mom is like “he finally fell asleep, and it’s 2:00 am,” and the dad is like “no, it’s 2 am Christmas morning,” and he gives her a Citizen watch, which is nice enough, but you know what that mom wants even more?  She wants you to sit up with the baby so she can go get some sleep.  So, thanks for the treacly sentiment, Kay Jewelers, but I guarantee every mom of a newborn who saw that commercial was like “Shhhhh—don’t wake that baby!  Let your wife go to bed!  Give her the watch later!”  I’m just saying.

2.    The Fresh Step commercial where the cat hires a bloodhound to find her litter box for her, because the Fresh Step cat litter is working so well, she can no longer find her own litter box.  Several critical flaws to the logic of this narrative, my friends.  For one, cats and dogs living in harmony?   That’s just crazy talk!  The other, perhaps more salient point is that if your cat can’t find its litter box, you know where it’s going to pee?

 

That’s right.  On your sofa.   That cat doesn’t care where it pees, and if it sticks to the litter box, it’s just doing you a favor.   Besides, this story includes a cat hand-making signs to hire the bloodhound, which implies a whole level of manual dexterity and cognitive comprehension on behalf of the cat.  Plus, where is the cat getting the money to hire the dog?  Will this dog be receiving a 1099 at the end of the year?  How did the dog learn to read, and why is he wandering the neighborhood loose, looking for a job?  There is just so much wrong with this whole concept, I can’t believe it progressed past the storyboard phase.

 

3.    Regional advertising, in general.   There is nothing like non-union voiceover talent and people singing your theme song to really reinforce the fact that you had to cut your advertising budget by outsourcing your advertising agency.   Yiiiikes.

4.    The Kentucky Fried Chicken ad where they are talking about “Kentucky Grilled Chicken.”  Listen, I don’t want to be a nay-sayer here, because KFC, we SUPER appreciate your attempt to contribute to the whole “healthy living of America” thing, but let’s just get this thing clear:  if I set foot inside a KFC, it’s going to be because I want some crispy fried chicken skin, some of those delicious mashed potatoes, and one of those giant biscuits.  Oh, and maybe one of those Lil’ Bucket Parfaits that I don’t even know if they have anymore.  My point?  KFC, no one is expecting you to get a rotisserie and start grilling chicken.  I’m guessing this product is going to go away faster than you can say “grease on a plate.”  On the other end of the food spectrum, what is going on with McDonald’s now offering “sweet tea?”  Did this idea finally make it here from the south?  Does America really need the option of yet another sugar-filled beverage?  Besides, everyone knows that sweet tea is only good when you let it sit out in a vat of sugar for days at a time, and I don’t believe McDonald’s is prepared to do it the proper Southern way.  So, I’m going to just go ahead and veto both of these fast-food offerings. 

So, that's it.  Have a great weekend, get all your Christmas shopping done, and report back next week with more weird and funny things. 

Happy Black Friday, or “Stop Accosting Me When I Come Out of Whole Foods, You Hippie”

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First of all, no—I did not go to Walmart, or Best Buy, or
any of the other places offering huge deals for Black Friday.  Even though I do love saving money, the
thought of getting up at 3:00 in the morning and standing in line for three
hours in a huge crowd of people is so odious to me, I would rather pay full
retail price than go out in that, frankly. 
The “sleeping in after Thanksgiving” is so much more worth it to me, I
am happy to look for deals at other times of the year.   Although, on a side note, it would be
delightful if everyone else in America would go ahead and go out shopping, as
this would be a positive indicator that the economy is rebounding, right?   I hope you are reading this right now after having gotten up early and purchased a large quantity of electronics at Walmart.  So there.

Speaking of shopping, I have been meaning to address this
topic for awhile—I am tired of those Greenpeace types outside of Whole Foods
and/ or every other big store, waiting for me with a clipboard to lay some
guilt trip on me about “Do you want to help abused women?” or “Do you have a
second to save the environment?”  Don’t get
me wrong—it’s not that I object to them being there—they can do what they want
and I respect that they’re out there working and trying to do something they
believe in—I just really object to the way the questions themselves are posed,
because the implication is that if I don’t stop and give them money, then in
fact I AM A BAD PERSON, A PERSON WHO DOES NOT WANT TO HELP ABUSED WOMEN and/ or
SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT.   I simply don’t
like it when people force sales on me, and the end result of this is that when I say "No thanks," it makes me sound like Adolph
Hitler, eating an endangered Bald Eagle for breakfast while I beat my wife, you
know what I’m saying?

Here’s how that goes:

Hippie kid outside of Whole Foods:  “Hey, do you have a second to help stop human
trafficking of innocent children?”

Me:  “No.”

See?  Now I am
guilty.  It’s such a loaded question,
because it’s actually a sales pitch/ guilt trip in two parts.  The answer is “no, I don’t have a second,
because I don’t like strangers cold pitching me and asking me to sign up for
things,” NOT “no, I don’t want to help this good cause,” because of course I am
a good person and given a different set of circumstances, I totally would
donate to whatever they’re representing. 

This makes me wonder why Greenpeace and these other
organizations still employ what to me is a dying-out marketing and sales
technique—the “person soliciting outside of stores” method.  I would love to see the statistics on how
many people sign up and then STAY signed up, or simply quit because they don’t
want to say no to the person on the spot, but don’t really want to make that
monthly commitment.  It would be
interesting to see the overall cost per conversion of that sales method so you
could determine whether that strategy was still viable, is all I’m saying.  There must be a better way to get people to
care about the environment without making them feel like a-holes when you put
them on the spot, right?  

And with that, I go back to working on my Thanksgiving holiday freelance writing project, which launches next month and I will tell you all about when it is live.  Happy weekend!