In case you’re wondering, I’m still in the midst of my
rewrite, and have ended up cutting and change so much, I have to add about another 2,000 words a day, which is just BRUTAL. Also, I didn’t end up going to the White Trash party, so I don’t have
any cool pictures of myself dressed up like Britney Spears. I’m just at the point where I can see the
book turning into something and I think I’m about to get over the hump and
start coasting down the hill, but damn! This project has taken more work than a) I originally thought, and b)
the last one took, even though that one was longer. So, go figure. Maybe I’m growing as a person. Anyway, once I’m done writing for the day, the very last thing I want to do is write more.
Yeah, so now you can see the reason why I’ve only been updating once a week. Only eight more days left, though, so soon we’ll be back to the multiple time per week funny.
Just to tide you over, I made you this list of "pervy songs about old rock guys who like teenage girls."
So…what is it with rock songs about old guys who want to
date young girls? I mean, we’re all adults,
right? Eighteen is pretty young, so I don’t get the obsession with
“jailbait.” Like—really, sixteen? Yikes! That’s a bad R. Kelly! What do they even have to talk about?
Seriously though– did you ever listen to one of those
songs, and really hear the lyrics? I
think if you take them out of their intended context, you will be able to see
the funny that I see.
Let’s start with Sam Cooke, who gives us the charmingly-titled “Only Sixteen”
She was only sixteen, only sixteen, oooh
but I loved her so.
She was too young, too
fall in love, and I was too young to know.
A great place to start. This gets me thinking– why do these aging rockers write these songs? I know, I know, being in a rock band is all
about being a pimple-faced geek who eventually gets rich and famous enough to
go back and reclaim all the girls you couldn’t get in high school. That’s all well and good, but when you write a song about it, then I get to make fun of you on my blog.
Gary Puckett and the
Union Gap, “Young Girl.”
Young girl, get out of
my mind. My love for you is way out of
line, you better run, girl. You’re much
too young, girl.
Take this guy at his word, man. He’s
got a white van with the windows blacked out, and he’s missed his chemical castration
shot. This is a scary message, wrapped
up in a ballad. Actually, this is a song
about a girl lying about being old enough to give you her love, but now you’re
going to let her run back to her mama, because you found out she’s
jailbait.
Benny Mardones, “Into
the Night”
This is a good song to sing along to if you’re driving along, all alone, and
switching radio channels. Just don’t listen too hard to the actual words.
She’s just sixteen
years old, leave her alone, they say.
Well, “they” sound pretty smart, Benny. Maybe you should heed their sage advice.
Separated by fools | who don’t know what
love is yet
but i want you to know
If i could fly
I’d pick you up
I’d take you into the night
and show you a love
like you’ve never seen – ever seen…
Yes, I know. This
song is ruined for you now. How do you
think I feel?
I like singing in the car!
Bell
Biv Devoe, “Do Me”
I actually used to really like them when I was in high
school, and if you say you didn’t, that’s fine. It will just be our little secret. But….just so we make sure we have multiple genre represented, I have to
point out that even the ex-New Edition guys want to get with some young girls,
as evidenced by this clever combination:
Backstage, underage
Adolescent…how you
doin?
Wow. Just….wow. Can’t you just see the parachute pants and smell the Drakkar Noir?
Action took
place….kinda like (come on) don’t forget
using the passive voice, these guys are really abdicating responsibility, like
“Hey, action took place—out of my hands, nothing I could do about it.”