One of These Is Going to Make You Feel Better
Hey, I know Friday is your longest day in the office, and so, just for you, I have been saving these humorous clippings for your amusement. Here you’ll find a gallery of things I think are funny that have just been waiting for a post like this to bring them all together. If at least one of these will make you laugh out loud, and then my work here is done.
# 1 Bike Injury Ad
This is an actual ad that appears in a local (probably local to Brentwood) magazine I picked up while I was waiting for my Jamba Juice to be done. This particular magazine caters to an audience of triathletes and bicycle enthusiasts, just so you know the context. Apparently it’s not at all uncommon to be run over while you’re riding your bike, thereby ending you up twisted and gnarled in your bike, sometimes with the wheel facing the wrong direction, perhaps indicating that you barely know how to ride the bike in the first place.
This ad just begs so many questions. For one, why does the injured party ALREADY have a bandage on her head? Did she have a head injury before she got on the bike? If so, I doubt she has a very good case (but maybe one of my lawyer friends would care to comment). Was she just involved in a bicycle accident? Did the paramedics come and bandage her head, and not extricate her from the bike? I’m just wondering. Maybe the lawsuit would be against them.
# 2 A photo we like to call "Good Call, Man."
A completely unaltered photo of referees touching each others buttocks during a real NFL game, in honor of football season being underway. Go Niners! To get this gem of a photo, we actually had to run the Tivo back to the exact moment of mutual buttock contact, pause it, disable the flash on the camera, and take the photo a number of times until we got it just right. Because we are that dedicated to capturing truly absurd football moments. Please note that there is NO REASON AT ALL for these referees to be touching each other’s buttocks. I mean, it’s kind of gay when football players do this after a good play or whatever, but when referees do it, it’s clearly just gratuitously, "go get married in Massachusetts why don’t you" GAY. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. God loves gay referees too.
# 3 
My name placard from an important U.S. Government event I attended last week in Washington D.C. Here’s why this is funny. It’s supposed to look official and like I’m someone whose name would actually appear on a printed sign before them at a U.S. Government event….and yet it has a coffee stain on the side of it, because in the 3.5 seconds between me sitting down at the table and them putting the sign in front of me, I managed to STAIN THE SIGN, and that’s the way it stayed for the rest of the day. Just so you know, this sign probably symbolizes me the best….I’m official, I’m trying to be pulled together, and somewhere, somehow, I always spill something, or trip and fall. Maybe you have to know me for this one to be funny, but there are a few people out there nodding their heads like– "yeah, that is so Culwell."
# 4 Bette Midler’s Human Clone
OK, first of all, maybe I’m out of the loop, but I didn’t even know Bette Midler HAD a child. And then….to open up People magazine on the plane only to find that she has a daughter who is her IDENTICAL TWIN? Shocking. I mean, I actually can’t stop looking at this picture, they’re so eerily similar. Was there absolutely no sperm involved in the creation of this entirely new person? That is nuts! FREAKY!
This is like that movie that Robert McKee is so obsessed with, where the guy is trying to clone himself. What’s the name of that movie? I can’t remember. That is how much of an impression Robert McKee’s three day long egofest had on me and my creative life. Whoops, was that out loud? Save yourself the money. Robert McKee is bitter, and he wants you to be that way too.
# 5 This is How We Heat Pizza in My House
Believe it or not, this works really well.
Have a good weekend, and please, if you’re in town, come see me at the West Hollywood Book Fair on Sunday. My panel starts at 11:00, and I’ll be doing a book signing after.
Just a couple things to add.
1. Toasted pizza is rad. Just make sure you don’t get no drippin’s in the toaster, as they’re a bitch to clean out.
2. The movie you’re thinking of is “Chinatown” with Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway. Robert McKee is a frustrated novelist who can’t bring himself to write his first novel so he goes around and makes harsh pronouncements to fledgling writers that will hobble you for life if you’re not careful/endowed with a strong sense of creative self. I agree with Lori–you’ve been warned.
3. For the love of God, please never mention Bette Midler and sperm in the same sentence again. Thank you.