A few months ago at a little-kid birthday party held at a bowling alley, where 25 (or 10,000) 6 year olds, high on sugar, created a decibel level heretofore unknown to man and began to run around the adults in a circle. I was scared. Frightened for my life! They could have turned on us at any time! At a certain point, I turned to one of the parents and said "I think my tubes just tied themselves." All the parents in the room thought this was extremely funny, and in fact, at a similar gathering on Saturday, someone who wasn’t even at the first party came up to me and said "oh– you’re the ‘my tubes just tied themselves’ person, right? That’s funny."
So, that’s cool. Now I’m known among my friends for being brazenly childless and for making jokes about tubal ligation. Honestly, I can’t think of a job that sounds harder or more terrifying than "Stay At Home Mom."
Alot (like, all) of my friends have kids, and since I’ve been married almost 9 years and am not getting any younger, people are always asking me when (not if) I’m having kids. Well, I can say with some certainty, I guess my heart is made of stone and ice runs through my veins, because I just. Don’t. Have the urge. Sorry. No biological clock, no "me taking my baby dolls around with me when I was a kid," nothing. Zip. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a grownup, and now I am, and I LOVE IT. I don’t want to have to cater to someone else’s needs all the time. I want a house that’s full of white stuff, modern art, and sharp edges. I’m not saying they’re not cute. They’re cute! I just wouldn’t want to have one, take one home with me, or get up in the middle of the night to change one’s diapers. In fact, if you’ll click above, you can see a close-up shot of my God-daughter making a mural out of vanilla yogurt. I will clean this kind of thing up, but only if I can go home and rest after.
I think my friends and family understand this (or have just given up), but you would be surprised at the amount of flak I get from strangers, who, when they find out that I’m married and ABLE to have kids (presumably– I have never even tried), why I wouldn’t just go ahead and do it. "There’s never a good time!" they say. "You’ll experience a love like no other," they say. I’m sure this is all true, and I respect their opinions, even if they are TOTALLY unsolicited (and frankly, a little judgmental). Like, aren’t there enough people in the world without me doing something I clearly don’t want to do?
Luckily, I am surrounded by people who are more than happy to loan their children to me for the day, or to let me come visit them. And I’m fairly certain that our status as "cool Auntie and Uncle" is cemented, since our house is filled with Pixar movies and candy (that we have for ourselves), so I’m sure one of these kids is eventually going to come live with us, or at least housesit for us for an extended period.
We have one ONE other couple who shares a similar distaste for having children–Alan and Jenn in San Francisco. Get this? Jenn WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT. Actually, I shouldn’t say that– I think there are some people in the "have children" group who wish they didn’t, and a few married (or coupled) types, one of whom is holding out because they don’t want to (all are experiencing relationship distress about this important issue). Oh, and at least one "surprise" for a couple who seriously wouldn’t have even entertained the idea had it not snuck up on them like that.
Yogurt mural, anyone?