OK, here’s my officially weekly post-thing, which I have been working on all week, just for you. Special thanks to Stephan, Jim Cox, and Jim Maloy for their contributions. Also, thanks to a tattoo removal shop called "Dr. Tattoff," for being the funniest thing I saw out of my car window all week. Was his name ALREADY Dr. Tattoff, before he decided to do laser tat removal? Such a mystery.
Things That I Will Never Do Again, Now That I Am in My Thirties.
You know that expression "live and learn"? Well, I’ve finally decided that aging IS useful for something– namely, that there are certain things I am 100% sure I will never do again, because now I know better.
Now that I’m in my thirties, have some degree of professional success, and am confident enough, I am pretty sure I am never going to do the following:
1. Take a red-eye flight. Just a matter of preference, but anymore I find that if I book a red-eye flight, thinking "Hey, think of the time and money I’ll save!," all I’m supposedly saving is lost when I end up hysterical from lack of sleep, unable to go and do whatever it was I was flying there for in the first place. The last time I took a red-eye, I fell asleep on the floor of the Guggenheim during a screening of Matthew Barney’s "The Cremaster Cycle," and almost had a heart attack when I woke up and didn’t know where I was. So, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.
2. Pick you up at the airport. Yeah, unless you’re family, we’re all old enough– you can take a cab. I’m not waiting in horrendous traffic to pick you up from LAX, or (Heaven Forbid) Long Beach or Ontario airports. Nope. It’s not that I won’t be happy to see you when you get here. I’m just not in college anymore, and I can’t be waiting in 90 minutes of dead-stopped traffic on the 405 going South at 4:45 pm, just to save you 20 bucks.
3. Shop at Mervyn’s. I don’t care if they have really, really good deals on Ralph Lauren sheets. Mervyn’s smells like feet, and always has. And now that I don’t have to go in there anymore, I won’t.
4. Wait until my brakes start making that grindy noise before I replace them. That’s just common sense. Come to think of it, I probably wouldn’t drive around in a car I knew had a mechanical problem, which is something I did ALL THE TIME in my twenties. In fact, when I was 18 I had a car that made a slight "clong" noise every time I stopped. This is not something I would tolerate now, but back then I recall many a stoney college student conversation, based on the clong.
5. Pull an all-nighter, and by that I mean, I’m going home at 1am, period. In case you’re in college and you don’t know this, NOTHING you learn at 4am is going to stick anyway. Just go to bed, and try to cheat off of someone maybe. Oh, and let me caution against waiting until the last minute to write your magnum opus for literature class. I was the TA for several of these types of classes while in grad school, and I could always tell in the FIRST PARAGRAPH who had written their final paper at the very last minute, two hours from dawn, after four Red Bulls.
6. Attend Burning Man. This is not an age issue. I just will not go to Burning Man. Too loud, too noisy!
7. Share a hotel room with someone, unless I am married to that person. This also goes for apartments. Too old. Too much stuff.
8. Attend a general admission show. If you don’t have a place reserved for my ass, I’m not coming. I did make an exception to this rule a few years ago to see the White Stripes at Chelsea Piers in NYC, but that was a Very. Special. Occasion.
9. Use the word "party" as a verb. When I do have a party, it will not be from 7 – WHENEVER. It will have a definite ending time, because guess what? I want you out of my house. I’m done with you.
10. Help you move, or move myself. Now that I know better, there is no way I’m risking certain injury picking up your sofa when we can pay the Delancy Street guys to do it.
11. Drink cheap booze. Strawberry Hill gives you a headache, dude.
12. Go camping. Um, why would you sleep outside if you didn’t have to? Don’t get it.
13. Get a tattoo. Believe me, getting it removed hurts WAY worse than getting it in the first place. Save yourself some time. You’re not going to like it forever.
Now, bear in mind that in order to make this extensive list, I have actually TRIED all of these things (except for Burning Man– I mean, do you know me? Let’s be reasonable). Also, just because I have vowed never to do something again, doesn’t mean I’m judging or disrespecting YOU if you want to do it (except Strawberry Hill– that’s what winos drink).