They Solicited Me, So I’m Allowed to Mock Them.
A few days ago when I got home, there were two women
knocking on the door of the house next door to mine. Now, I know for a fact that the woman who
lives next door died two years ago and that now, her son-in-law uses the back
yard as an organic garden/ ranchero music blasting hangout spot for himself and
1,000 of his closest friends, but that no one actually lives there, so I called
over the fence “Excuse me—were you looking for someone? Because no one lives in that house.” Because I was trying to be nice, you
see? I thought maybe they were looking
for someone and had the wrong address. Or—I don’t know what I thought. I
thought they probably didn’t know that woman died, maybe.
Anyhow, they weren’t lost. They were Jehovah’s Witnesses. When they realized that it w
as too late to convert my now-deceased
neighbor, they pulled out a pamphlet and started toward me.
One of them said “Thank you so much for
letting us know no one lives there—now, are YOU interested in hearing about a
world where there’s no more suffering?”
I don’t really go on for the whole “tell your religion to
total strangers” thing, so the look on my face probably approximated the look
when I tried Roastaroma!. I thought it
was a little odd that they were selling their religion door to door like
insurance, but I basically just said “Um, thanks—I’m fine with my afterlife
choices” or something weird like that, and they thanked me for my time and
left. I did take the pamphlet, though,
because it looked like it was going to be hilarious, and of course, it
was.
- These
ladies were so totally lucky that Stephan wasn’t home when they came
by. Whereas I feel like it’s maybe okay if people want their religion to include door-to-door recruitment (as
long as I’m allowed to say no), Steph does not agree, and probably would
have told them so. I know this
because later, when I told him about the Jehovah’s witnesses, his head
turned red and he said some things about how people should mind their own
Goddamned business, especially Christians, because wasn’t organized
religion the cause of most of the problems in the world? I’m sure those ladies were glad that
they didn’t have to engage my husband in a whole “dialectic of world religion” throwdown right there in the driveway, because he totally would have won. He’s really thought this stuff out.
- I am so amused to see, from the pamphlet, the apparently everyone is multi-racial in the afterlife, and there is a sacred moose, a white pony, and a big giant Great Dane looking thing. Or
maybe that’s an animal they only have in the afterlife. So many questions about the
afterlife. Also, does everyone get
to live in the Afterlife Log Cabin, or is that the rec hall or something? This picture is so bucolic—like, are we
going to be making lanyards in the afterlife? Should I let someone know now that I don’t really like pumpkin? Because it seems like there is a bounty of gourd fruit in the afterlife, and I want to make sure I have enough to eat for all eternity other than a basket of apples.
- Did
the Roastaroma! people call the Jehovah’s witnesses and compare notes? Because I notice that they, too, are totally overusing the
exclamation points. Though, granted, ALL SUFFERING SOON TO END! really does sound like a statement for which an exclamation point would be mandated, doesn’t it?
So, the extent of what I know about this religion is
basically limited to this amusing pamphlet, and these two girls that I was in
grammar school with, who could never participate in birthday or Christmas
parties at school, because apparently Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate stuff
like that because, I don’t know, they’re saving all their partying up for the
Great Rec Room/ Cabin in the Sky.
my whole life, then I got to the afterlife and all that was there was gourd
fruit and apples, I’d be pissed.
PS Speaking of Roastaroma!, I gave the rest of the box to my friend’s nanny, and no joke, she LOVES it. She was like "I have it twice a day now– it’s so good!" I was tempted to go "Did you make the face? The Roastaroma! face? The face that you think is never going to go back to your normal face?"
Lest everyone think from this post that I’m intolerant, I’m not. Well, I am a little bit, but so are you, probably, about your own thing. My hangup is organized religion, with an emphasis on the organized part. I consider myself a fairly spiritual cat, but I tend to see capital-R Religion as a political, not a spiritual, entity. Feel free to contradict me; I love a good discussion.
Oh, and yes, I probably would have told the JW’s to get stuffed, but I don’t think I would have remarked that religion is the cause of most of the world’s suffering, because that sounds ignorant and reductive. Even if it’s probably true.
“Lest everyone think from this post that I’m intolerant…” No, your post does not give that impression.
“I probably would have told the JW’s to get stuffed” Most likely, they would not have taken it personally.
“…but I don’t think I would have remarked that religion is the cause of most of the world’s suffering…” If you had, they would have agreed with you.
“When they realized that it was too late to convert my now-deceased neighbor…” It’s true. They never convert when they’re dead.
And, I admit, you do have a point with the exclamation marks!!!
Another fact to add to your arsenal of all things JW knowledge – they are rebuiling Noah’s Ark off the highway near the border of West Virginia and Maryland. Well, they say they are, but for the 15 years that I drove past it to get to camp every summer, they never got any farther in the construction. Can we surmise that Jehovah’s Witnesses are lazy?
Oh – and ps – the afterlife is all about gourd fruits. There’s a line in the Bible that says, “If thou dasn’t like the taste of pumpkin, thou art going to hell.” I think it’s in one of the gospels.