Christmas Crime Spree
Christmas started out with a bang this year….the first thing I did after driving up to Carmel was blatantly steal a cool-looking mug from a restaurant which I now cannot name for fear of prosecution. Here’s how it went down:
Me: I totally like this mug. I wonder if they sell them. I’d buy one.
My husband: I’ll ask.
(he comes back)
My husband: The bartender says they don’t have any of them for sale.
This is the part where the crime happens, as I laugh, wipe off the mug I’m drinking, and blatantly slip it into my purse, in full view of everyone in the restaurant, thus exposing to my in-laws my extremely flexible morals when it comes to situations like these. This is opposition to my husband, who, if someone didn’t charge him for an item in a store and he noticed when he got home, would GO BACK, tell them, and pay. I admire him for this, but if something like that happens to me, I do a little happy dance and thank the universe for the free stuff. I’m the person that when an error like that results in my favor, I laugh and assume that’s part of the price Corporate America has to pay for hiring incompetent people. Like, maybe if the people at Target got paid more than eight dollars an hour, they’d be more motivated to carefully itemize my stuff. Also, I’m almost certain that a company that big has a daily slush fund in their operating budget, and it’s not going to make that much difference if I drive all the way back there to come clean and tell someone that they mistakenly didn’t charge me for a set of pillowcases.
The next day we were cleaning up after wrapping Christmas presents, and I continued on my minor crime spree by illegally dumping trash into the bin of the construction company that’s building a house next door to my in-laws. I figured this was a small price for them to pay for making all that noise all day long, right?
Anyhow, the next day my cousin-in-law came over, and while I was hurrying to do the dishes, I broke something and slashed my finger. While I was trying to get it to stop bleeding because I was 100% sure that going to the emergency room was not on the program of Christmas merriment that we had planned, my father-in-law jumped on the Christmas Crime Spree bandwagon when he casually offered me a DOOBIE to ease the pain.
A DOOBIE.
I tried to take him up on his offer, but (ironically), he forgot where he put said doobie, but offered to drunk drive over to his friend’s house to get another one. I respectfully declined, thinking that maybe an actual DUI would put a damper on our otherwise fun-loving, crime-filled holiday.
So far, we’ve gone two days (Christmas and today) without doing anything else that’s illegal (though there WAS some talk of illegal draft dodging at dinner last night which I found absolutely HILARIOUS), but I’m feeling anther caper coming on, so stay tuned.
Oh, and also, perhaps because of my questionable morals, I am totally hooked on the show Dexter, and can’t wait for the new season to start.