Hey look! We used our time trapped inside during the never-ending winter of 2014 to make some video funny. In case you're curious, we have the video equipment already from this tutorial series I have been making (and a course that I am working on). We have alot of opinions, and we thought it would be fun to share them with you.
Yes, I know that my hat makes it looks like I have dreadlocks.
You guys! I'm so excited to tell you that I have a piece on Entrepreneur.com's website! It's called 6 Steps to Take Today to Improve Your Google Search Results. I am super excited about it, and I hope you will read it, find it useful, and share it!
This year I’m trying to get better about developing coursework/ material to help people actually learn things (“teach a person to fish,” if you will). With that in mind, last week I made this video (the first in a series), which goes over just why authors should own their own domain names.
Here’s the video, in case this topic interests you (or you know an author who needs to start working on their website), or in case you would like to see me talking at length about domain names while wearing a “Janet Jackson/ Control” headset because that is the best mic I could find.
Some logistical things you might be curious about:
–I shot and edited this video using ScreenFlow (for Mac).
–I am talking into a mic that came with Dragon’s “Naturally Speaking” voice to text program (a program a rarely use, but the mic came in handy).
–No, I am not trying to look like one of those “Addicted to Love” video women with my hair slicked back. In fact, it is winter, and if I let my hair out, it is absolutely gigantic/ filled with static electricity and looks just like the hair of the “Hey YOU GUYS!” woman from the Electric Company. I noticed this after the first take, when my hair was basically its own character in the video, so I fixed my crazy hair and shot another version. In this version, I look a little like a librarian, but oh well.
I’m shooting more tutorials, so let me know if you have questions!!
Today I would like to discuss the latest commercial in this super-weird commercial series for the Discover “It” Card.
I’ve covered this two other times, and judging from the amount of traffic this website gets every single time one of those ads runs, everyone else is wondering about this too. You can find the other posts here and here.
So, now I think that the ad agency for the Discover Card is on to this discussion, because in the latest version of this commercial, they hired TWINS to goof on the fact that the premise of the ad is confusing.
In this case, the answer to the question “Are those people in the Discover card the same person?” is no, in this case: apparently they are twins, unless that is one actress playing both roles.
I feel like it is time to retire this commercial series, but I guess the bigwigs at the Discover Card don’t think so. Maybe they’ll make some more and we can keep analyzing them, and the whole thing will become so very meta that the snake will eat its own tail and we’ll all be in an episode of Twin Peaks. Fun!
So, the other day, I realized that Stephan had never had my very favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor, Half Baked. It was, of course, a complete revelation for him, because Half Baked is perhaps the single greatest ice cream/fro-yo invention ever concocted by Ben & Jerry’s. It has vanilla ice cream with cookie dough chunks swirled with chocolate ice cream and brownies. I mean, COME ON. I can’t even keep a pint of it in the house—that is how obscenely delicious that flavor is to me.
Half Baked was not, however, my first Ben & Jerry’s favorite flavor. That flavor, Chocolate Caramel Turtle, got sent to the Flavor Graveyard, which is Ben & Jerry’s hippy-dippy way of saying it’s been discontinued. Naturally, after we found the Flavor Graveyard online, Stephan and I decided we had to go through the list and determine why each flavor was discontinued, because we are just like that.
The fact that there are lots and lots of discontinued flavors in the graveyard shouldn’t be all that surprising, since Ben & Jerry’s whole development process seems like it probably goes something like this:
Jerry: Hey, Ben?
Ben: Yeah?
Jerry: <tooooooooooooooke> Why don’t we crumble some shit up in ice cream and see if it tastes good?
Just kidding (kind of). Anyway, here is the full list (or, at least as full a list as I could find/ make), and here is our abridged list, with jokes about why the flavors might have been discontinued:
10th Anniversary Waltz—Nutcracker Suite: This probably had a bunch of nuts in it. Nuts in ice cream are wrong. Except jamoca almond fudge. Which, truthfully, probably would have been better without the almonds in it. So, never mind.
American Apple Pie ™: This likely was in reference to the movie, which brings to mind what happened to the pie in that movie, and this is not what I want to think about AT ALL when I’m eating ice cream.
Apple Crumble ™
Apple Pie
Apple-y Ever After ™
(Hey, Ben & Jerry! Maybe no one likes apples in their ice cream!)
Aztec Harvest Coffee: What flavor IS “Aztec,” exactly? For that matter, what flavor is “ranch?” There are some very unpleasant things on a ranch.
Banana Strawberry: Meh. This feels like Jamba Juice’s territory.
Banana Walnut. They made an ice cream after banana bread, the thing someone brings to the office that no one eats.
Bananas on the Rum ™: Is this a reference to the Wings song, “Band on the Run?” Or is it like a bananas-and-rum-Jamaica kind of thing? Either way, rum is gross.
Blueberry
Blueberry Cheesecake
Bluesberry
(Hey, Ben & Jerry! Turns out no one wants blueberries in their ice cream, either!)
Bovinity Divinity ™: There are so many goofy rhymes and puns in Ben & Jerry’s flavors that you want to hit someone.
Brownie Bars
Brownie Batter
Candy Bar Crunch
(How on earth did these three flavors fail? You can almost hear the bong gurgling.)
Cannoli: You don’t say. How could this one have gone wrong?
Cantaloupe: Who thought this was a good idea? Cantaloupe is (for me, at least) the very lowest rung on the fruit ladder, relegated to sitting there, uneaten, on the side of your breakfast plate. It does not belong in ice cream. What’s next? Parsley? Wilted iceberg lettuce? Purple cabbage? You get the point.
Capecodder: Hey, maybe this one didn’t succeed because fish name + ice cream = disgusting.
Caramel Chew Chew: This may have been discontinued because no one wants to chew their ice cream. Or probably it was the name.
Chai Tea Latte: The only people who drink chai tea are yoga moms, and those moms can’t eat Ben & Jerry’s or they won’t fit into their Lululemon yoga pants. Also, those moms don’t eat dairy, and neither do their kids. Fail.
Cherry Amour: This sounds like a transvestite name.
Cherry Chocolate: This reminds me of those disgusting chocolate-covered cherries they used to sell, the interior of which was about 70% clear goo. My grandfather used to like those. I have no idea why.
Cherry Vanilla: Bring two bits for the trolley and moving picture show! Cherry vanilla at the drugstore sody fountain! Seriously, this sounds like a flavor from the 1950s.
Chocolate Almond
Chocolate Almond Fudge
Chocolate Almond Nougat
(Note to Ben & Jerry: STOP PUTTING ALMONDS IN MY ICE CREAM)
Chocolate Amaretto
Chocolate Amaretto Moose
(Is Amaretto really so delicious and/or popular that you’d want an entire ice cream flavor based on it? I feel like Amaretto is one of those liqueurs that old people drink, that you maybe sneak at your friend’s house when their parents are gone, and it makes you sick, and then you can never drink it again. Maybe they should have called it that.)
Chocolate Caramel Turtle: My first favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavor. We used to eat this all the time in the early 2000s, getting it from a bodega called the Joe Hug Deli. It was probably the last time I could ice cream with impunity (i.e., it didn’t make me fat), and I was sorry to see it go.
Chocolate Cherry Garcia ® This one sounds kind of delicious. (Stephan: “No, it freaking DOESN’T.”)
Chocolate Cointreau Fudge: This seems like it would taste like medicine. Also, could you set it on fire? I’d like to try that.
Chocolate Comfort: Sounds like a pimp. A really nurturing pimp.
Chocolate for a Change ™: Did it contain coins?
Chocolate Fudge: Hey, Ben & Jerry’s—Haagen Dazs does this shit better. Please stick to naming ice cream after hippies.
Chocolate Gingersnap: This is my new stripper name.
Chocolate Hazelnut Swirl: Um, do they mean like Nutella? Because that sounds amazing. Or do they mean chocolate with actual hazelnuts? Because that sounds disgusting.
Chocolate Heath ® Bar Crunch: HOW DID THIS DIE OUT? IS THERE NO GOD?
Chocolate Orange Fudge: This reminds me of those chocolate oranges you got when you were a kid that you were supposed to smash. And you smashed them not because you wanted to eat them, but because you were angry at the fact that some adult gave you orange-flavored chocolate. How dare you?
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough: Again, how did this not make it? Come ON.
Chocolate Peanut Butter Truffle ™: WAY too much going on here.
Chocolate Raspberry
Chocolate Raspberry Fudge Swirl
Chocolate Raspberry Swirl
Chocolate Raspberry Truffle
(Note: Chocolate and raspberry do not go together. This is a scientific fact. Chocolate raspberry is that exact flavor that will make you spit out a piece of chocolate if you happen to bite into it. Just. Don’t.)
Chunky Choc Choc Mousse: What are you, five?
Cinnamon: Cinnamon is not really compatible with ice cream. Try something else off the spice rack. Or don’t.
Coconut Almond Fudge Chip: Okay, now you’re too high.
Coconut Cream Pie
Coconut Milk Chocolate Almond
(Note: Nobody likes coconut ice cream. Lesson learned.)
Coffee Etc.: I’m going to need you to be a little more… specific.
Concession Obsession ™: This one sounds like all the stuff on the floor at the movie theater that your feet stick to, plus three or four pumps of that high-fat, hot butter crap. Also: why is it okay to throw garbage on the floor when you’re at the movie theater?
Cool Britannia: Sounds like an aftershave.
Dastardly Mash: Pirate flavored?
Dave Matthews Band ® Magic Brownies ™: So now we’re just naming them after drugs?
Dublin Mudslide ™: Here’s what we think was in this one. Kahlua + the potato blight, coupled with random pages from “Ulysses.”
Economic Crunch: Sure, because that’s what people want in their ice cream: bad news. P.S. Ben & Jerry’s is $5 a pint. That is not helping things.
Entangled Mints ™: Boy, good thing they trademarked that name.
Ethan Almond: Worst. Play on words. Ever. If they wanted an almond pun, couldn’t they have used “The Almond Brothers”?
Fair Goodness Cake: I think this is a play on the phrase, “for goodness’ sake,” but Stephan thinks it’s a reference to fair food, and therefore contained corn dogs.
Festivus: A sad casualty of the Fox News War on Christmas ™
Fossil Fuel ™: Hey, was this one petroleum-based? Did it have gummy dinosaurs? Have you ever smelled the La Brea Tar Pits?
Fudge Behaving Badly UK: This reminds us of two things: 1) Fudge showing its boobs, and, 2) No one wants to see British boobs.
Fudge Central ®: Too close to that “Milk, milk, lemonade” joke from when we were kids. You know what I’m talking about.
Giant Chocolate Chunk ™: See above.
Honey Apply Raisin Walnut: Was this an ice cream flavor or compost?
Honey, I’m Home ™: This sounds like it tasted like a TV dinner and a can of Schlitz.
Ice Tea with Ginseng: I don’t know that I want to be reminded of healthy things I should be doing while I’m eating ice cream. This is the kind of ice cream your doctor would recommend. Personally, I only want to eat junk food that pisses off doctors.
Kaffaretto: Now you’re just making up words.
Kiwi Midori: Sounds like a sugary cocktail that would give you a wicked hangover.
Lemon Peppermint Carob Chip: Are you mad at me?
Malted Milk Ball: Hey, did you know that malted milk was made by Satan himself?
Maple Grape Nut: Now you’ve crossed another line. You can put breakfast cereal in my ice cream, but I’m drawing the line at shitty breakfast cereal. For future reference, also don’t use any of the following cereals: Wheatabix, Fiber One, All Bran, or Kix.
Miller Family Malt: Is the Miller Family a cult? And do they make some sort of liquid? And were Ben & Jerry’s making ice cream out of this? So. Many. Questions.
Mission to Marzipan: We’re thinking this one failed because it was a terrible ice cream based on a great pun. And also, no one’s exactly sure what marzipan is.
Miz Jelena’s Sweet Potato Pie: (shouting between hands): Ben & Jerry, you have long been searching for the absolute limit of what you can put in ice cream, and here it is: DO NOT PUT VEGETABLES IN ICE CREAM.
Monkey Wrench ™: What on earth went in that ice cream? Its name suggests neither ingredient nor flavor. Unless monkey is a flavor.
No Sugar Added Vanilla: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Oh Pear: This makes two people sad: people who hire au pairs, and people who ARE au pairs. And also, nobody likes pear-flavored ice cream.
Peanuts! Popcorn!: (Broken Teeth!)
Phish Food ®: What?! Phish Food ® got discontinued? How on earth? Hippies! Shitty music! This is your brand, guys. Get it together.
Primary Berry Graham: This is in reference to someone probably, but we’re not sure whom. Phil Graham? Billy Graham? Those were two VERY different people. In any case, it sounds like it had berries and graham crackers. Whoop de doo.
Pulp Addiction ™: Unless this tasted like blood and Jheri Curl, why even bother.
Rachel’s Brownie: Apparently there was just one.
Rainforest Crunch: So sad. So very, very sad. Tasted like chainsaws and the tears of indigenous tribes.
Raspberry Gone Coconuts ™: You know what, Ben & Jerry? F*ck you.
Raspberry Renewal: Got cancelled, apparently.
Reverse Chocolate Chunk: Did this involve a time machine?
Rum Raisin: I have never met anyone under the age of 80 who likes this flavor. I feel like there’s a very natural reason this ice cream went away.
Sambucca Coffee Flake: This is a disaster on a cone. A licorice-flavored liqueur with chocolate flakes. Licorice only goes with licorice. Licorice is the weird kid on the playground. Leave licorice alone.
Sorbet Squeeze Ups: This sounds like something Jillian Michaels would make you do, then yell at you.
Strawberry Rhubarb: Come on. Rhubarb is not even an actual food.
The Full VerMonty ™: I want to say this one was penis-flavored.
Turtle Soup ™: The name did this one in for sure. They obviously meant chocolate turtles, like with caramel and nuts, but still, so gross.
Uncanny Cashew ™: What exactly made it “uncanny?” And also, for the fifth time: NO NUTS IN ICE CREAM.
Urban Jumble ™: Here’s what this was: Yellow snow with cigarette butts and bottle caps, plus a grope on the subway.
Vanilla M & M: I can kind of see why this one didn’t make it. Couldn’t you just do this at home?
Vermonty Python ™: ENOUGH WITH ALL THE GODDAMN PUNS.
Wavy Gravy ™: We feel like the label on this should read: Warning: This contains actual tabs of window pane acid. Don’t plan anything for the next seven hours.
White Russian ™: The dude did not abide.
World’s Best ® Chocolate: Apparently not.
This list is related to a post I was working on– I couldn’t find the list anywhere in readily accessible, html-based form, so I made one myself for “toggling back and forth” purposes. I’ll need to fill in the blanks over time in terms of ingredients.
If you’re in love with one of these flavors and want to request that Ben & Jerry’s bring it back, here is the form you can fill out.
10th Anniversary Waltz—Nutcracker Suite
Aloha Macadamia ™
American Apple Pie ™
American Pie ™
Apple Crumble ™
Apple Pie
Apple-y Ever After ™
Apricot
Aztec Harvest Coffee
Banana
Banana Strawberry
Banana Walnut
Bananas on the Rum ™
Berry Wild Whirl
Black & Tan ™
Black Raspberry
Black Russian
Blackberry Cobbler
Blond Brownie Sundae
Blueberry
Blueberry Cheesecake
Bluesberry
Bovinity Divinity ™
Brownie Bars
Brownie Batter
Candy Bar Crunch
Cannoli
Cantaloupe
Capecodder
Cappuccino Chocolate Chunk
Caramel Chew Chew
Chai Tea Latte
Cherry Amour
Cherry Chocolate
Cherry Vanilla
Choco Mint Cow
Chocolate Almond
Chocolate Almond Fudge
Chocolate Almond Nougat
Chocolate Amaretto
Chocolate Amaretto Moose
Chocolate Caramel Chunk
Chocolate Caramel Turtle
Chocolate Cherry Garcia ®
Chocolate Chocolate Chip
Chocolate Cointreau Fudge
Chocolate Cointreau Orange
Chocolate Comfort
Chocolate for a Change ™
Chocolate Fudge
Chocolate Gingersnap
Chocolate Hazelnut Swirl
Chocolate Heath ® Bar Crunch
Chocolate Macadamia
Chocolate Mint & Cookies
Chocolate Mystic Mint
Chocolate Orange Fudge
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough
Chocolate Peanut Butter Truffle ™
Chocolate Raspberry
Chocolate Raspberry Fudge Swirl
Chocolate Raspberry Swirl
Chocolate Raspberry Truffle
Chocolate Swiss Chocolate Almond
Chocolate with Fudge Almonds
Chunky Choc Choc Mousse
Cinnamon
Coconut Almond
Coconut Almond Fudge Chip
Coconut Cream Pie
Coconut Milk Chocolate Almond
Coffee & Biscotti
Coffee Almond Fudge
Coffee English Toffee Crunch
Coffee etc
Coffee For a Change ™
Coffee Fudge
Coffee Hazelnut Swirl
Coffee Toffee Crunch
Concession Obsession ™
Cool Britannia
Cranberry Orange
Crème Brulee
Dastardly Mash
Dave Matthews Band ® Magic Brownies ™ Encore Edition
Deep Dark Chocolate
Devil’s Food Chocolate
Di’s Candy Drawer
Doonesberry
Double Chocolate Fudge Swirl
Dublin Mudslide ™
Dulce Delicious
Economic Crunch
Egg Nog
English Toffee Crunch
Entangled Mints ™
Ethan Almond
Fair Goodness Cake
Festivus
Fossil Fuel ™
French Vanilla
Fresh Georgia Peach
From Russia with Buzz ™
Fudge Behaving Badly UK
Fudge Central ®
Giant Chocolate Chunk ™
Ginger snap
Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road
Grape Nut
Grapefruit Ice
Hanna Teter’s Maple Blondie
Hazelnut
Heath ® Bar Crunch
Heath Bar ® Light
Hershey Park Peanut Better Cup
Holy Cannoli
Honey Apple Raisin Walnut
Honey Vanilla
Honey, I’m Home ™
Hunka Burnin’ Fudge
Ice Tea with Ginseng
Iced Tea w/ Ginseng
In a Crunch ™
Island Paradise ™
Jamaican Me Crazy
Jerry’s Jubilee ™
KaBerry KaBOOM! ™
Kaffaretto
Kahlua Amaretto
Karelia Krunch
Key Lime Pie
Kiwi Midori
Lemon Blueberry Cobbler
Lemon Cobbler
Lemon Daiquiri
Lemon Meringue
Lemon Peppermint Carob Chip
Lemon Swirl ™
Lemon Twist
Lemonade
Lemony Limeny ™
Macadamia Nut
Makin’ Whoopie Pie ™
Malted Milk Ball
Mandarin
Mandarin Chocolate
Mango
Mango Lime
Mango Lime Sorbet
Maple Grape Nut
Marble Mint Chip
Marguerita Lime
Milk Chocolate Almond
Miller Family Malt
Mint Chocolate Chunk ™
Mint Chocolate Fudge Swirl
Mint Fudge
Mint w/ Cookies
Mint with Oreo Cookie
Mission to Marzipan
Miz Jelena’s Sweet Potato Pie
Mocha
Mocha Chunk
Mocha Fudge
Mocha Latte
Mocha Swiss Chocolate Almond
Mocha Walnut
Monkey Wrench ™
Mud Pie
Natural Vanilla
Neapolitan Dynamite ™
No Sugar Added Vanilla
Nutcracker Suite
Nutty Waffle Cone ™
Oatmeal Cookie Chunk
Oh Pear
One Sweet Whirled ™
Ooey Gooey Cake ™
Orange Cream
P.B. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Passion Fruit Smooch
Peach
Peach Melba
Peach Raspberry Trifle
Peanut Butter & Jelly
Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk
Peanut Butter Cookie Dough
Peanut Butter Me Up ™
Peanut Turtles
Peanuts! Popcorn!
Pecan Pie
Peppermint Cow
Peppermint Schtick
Phish Food ®
Pina Colada
Pink Lemonade
Praline Pecan
Primary Berry Graham
Pulp Addiction ™
Purple Passionfruit
Rachel’s Brownie
Rainforest Crunch
Raspberry
Raspberry Cheesecake
Raspberry Gone Coconuts ™
Raspberry Renewal
Reverse Chocolate Chunk
Rockin’ Road
Root Beet Float My Boat
Rum Raisin
S’mores ™
S.N.A.F.U. Strawberries Naturally All Fudged Up ™
Sambucca Chocolate Chunk
Sambucca Coffee Flake
Schweddy Balls
Skor Bar
Snickerdoodle Cookie
Sorbet Squeeze Ups
Southern Peach
Southern Pecan Pie ™
Strawberries & Cream
Strawberry Kiwi
Strawberry Rhubarb
Sugar Plum
Sweet Cream
Sweet Cream & Cookie
Sweet Cream with Oreo
Sweet Potato Pie
Tennessee Mud
That’s Life Apple Pie
The Full VerMonty ™
The Last Straw
This is Nuts ™
Toffee Cookie Crunch
Totally Nuts
Tropic of Mango
Turtle Soup ™
Tuskegee Chunk
Uncanny Cashew ™
Urban Jumble ™
Vanilla & Chocolate Mint Patty
Vanilla Bean
Vanilla Brownie
Vanilla Chocolate Chunk
Vanilla for a Change ™
Vanilla Fudge
Vanilla M & M
Vanilla Malted Milk
Vanilla Swiss Almond
Vanilla w/ Health Toffee Crunch
Vanilla with Kit Kat
Vermonty Python ™
Wavy Gravy ™
White Russian ™
Wich Ice Cream Cookie Sandwich ™
Wild Maine Blueberry
World’s Best ® Chocolate
OK, now that Christmas is over, I can tell you the Christmas song that Stephan and I regard as “the worst Christmas song of all time,” and all the reasons behind this choice. As you might recall, we’ve done several other (hilarious) compilations/ breakdowns of Christmas music, including “Saddest Christmas Songs” and “Most Insufferable Christmas Songs.” We really like to break down this genre.
When we were out and about this year, pre Christmas, we noticed that there were a lot of newly minted, extremely poppy Christmas songs. Those are off the table for consideration, because they are just uniformly awful. Also off the table are the older rock-star penned holiday tunes, like Chuck Berry’s “Run, Run Rudolph,” and the Beach Boys’ execrable “The Man With All the Toys.” We’ve also taken out of consideration Paul McCartney’s “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time,” which is not only a terrible Christmas song, it’s absolutely, far and away, the worst song he ever wrote. He should lose his knighthood for that song. I’m not joking.
Anyway. For practical purposes, we’ve limited the field to those Christmas songs that are “in the canon.” And there are plenty to choose from (so many, in fact, that I assert that we’d save a lot of trouble by never writing another. Just cover “Silent Night” and be done with it, Beyonce). “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer” bears consideration as worst Christmas song not least of which because it’s like the one they let Ringo write. It’s the “Yellow Submarine” of Christmas songs. Also, it’s got a terrible message: It’s only okay to be different if you’re useful. And you know what else? Those other reindeer that used to laugh and call Rudolf names? Assholes. Those reindeer belong in that town where Charlie Brown lives. Where was Santa when all that was going on?
“Jingle Bell Rock,” is another stinker, and “Holly Jolly Christmas” just sounds like they turned a third-grader loose with a rhyming dictionary. But after lengthy and careful analysis (not really), we’ve declared the worst Christmas song of all time to be: “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree,” written by Johnny Marks (who, by the way, also wrote “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and “Holly Jolly Christmas”) performed by Brenda Lee.
Here it is, in case you haven’t had the pleasure.
OK, here’s why we think this song is just so, so bad.
4. It was obviously written by an old guy who’s trying so hard to sound young and hip, he is hurting himself. Marks was 49 at the time, clearly commissioned by a bunch of other middle aged squares trying to crank out something with some of that crazy “now” sound so they could hitch a ride on the teeny-bopper gravy train. Absolutely dripping with cynicism. The opening line goes “Rockin’ around the Christmas tree/at the Christmas party hop,” and it just gets worse from there. I’m surprised there’s not a reference to deuce coupes and reefer. But all of this is just a wind-up for the line that earns its place as the worst Christmas song of all time: “Everyone’s dancing merrily/in a new old-fashioned way.” “Say, gang! Did you hear that crazy tune, ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree?’ It sure is hep and now! Why, they’re speaking right to us, the young generation! Let’s take all the money we were gonna spend on malteds and hot rods and go buy ten copies instead!” Bleck.
As if to insure this song’s permanent “worst song ever” designation, the entire song is belted out with the fake enthusiasm of a musical theater person hopped up on sugary eggnog. Brenda Lee was 13 when she sang it, and you can almost see the stage mother on the other side of the glass, making the “smile” gesture, drawing the two sides of her mouth up with her fingers.
So, there. That’s why we find this song to be so very, very offensive. We just didn’t want to say this during actual Christmas, because we didn’t want to harsh your mellow in case this is like, your favorite Christmas jam.
Merry Christmas! Are you having a wonderful day? I am already a little hung over. So–one of our Christmas traditions is watching that “Charlie Brown Christmas” animated movie. I have been watching this since I was a kid (along with the Halloween special), and I just this year realized—“Hey, those kids are totally mean to Charlie Brown.” This year, the young nephews of the family (ages 4 and 7) were watching, and they cleverly pointed out the flaw in the story that I have never been able to quite put my finger on. “Everyone in that town is a bully.”
With that in mind, we went over it again and made a list of abnormalities in the Charlie Brown series.
Lucy is a complete bitch. Charlie Brown is enabling her and he is her apologist. The football is a metaphor for their relationship, which will always end up in Charlie with a black eye.
Every other kid in that community is a bully, except for Linus, who also gets bullied. Lucy wants to give him “five good reasons” to do what she wants. She’s going to punch him the face.
Even Snoopy is mean to him.
Why does no one call social services for poor pigpen? That kid has lice at the very least. Further proof that this is a toxic vortex filled only with adults who sound like muted trombones
Charlie Brown knows he is depressed, so he reaches out to LUCY, who frankly is the # 1 cause for his depression. This is like the battered wife in Sleeping with the Enemy paying her obsessive and weird husband to tell her that she’s the problem. Get a new doctor, Charlie Brown—he will tell you to break the abuse cycle and move out of that environment.
Don’t get me wrong—we’re probably not going to stop watching these, but it’s interesting to think of them in a different way, don’t you think?
So, maybe you know (or probably not) that Stephan Cox, the Voice of God, is a voiceover guy on the show Damages. By “voiceover guy” I mean that he does the looping in some of the episodes, and looping is when you hear voices in the background (like on the radio), but you don’t see an actual person. This is of course a weird and interesting job, and you can go right here to listen to a bunch of interviews he did with other voiceover people to find out how they got into the business. We have a whole website about it!
Anywho (!), one of our friends mentioned recently that they heard his actual name in an episode of Damages, so of course I had to binge-watch the ENTIRE SERIES to find it.
Yes, I did. Actually, I often watch TV shows while I am writing/ updating code, so it is not unusual for me to watch a whole series. Buffy marathon, anyone?
So—Damages. It’s a cool show, right? The weird camera angles, the flash-forward (and backward) in time, the two woman protagonists, the storyline that varies every season—I liked it a lot. Also, I kind of want to be Patty Hewes when I grow up, because she seems like she gets really good customer service everywhere she goes.
I did just have a few questions, though, and maybe someone can answer them for me. You should know—this post is, like ALL SPOILERS. Every single line. If you haven’t seen the show, can I recommend that you get right on that? Netflix it up!
1. Coco. The dog, I mean. Ellen is still friends with Katie Connor during season two, but she doesn’t have the dog anymore. What happened there, I wonder? I just ask because Katie does not seem like the type of person who would give away a dog, especially after what happened to Saffron in Season One.
2. By Season Four, Ellen seems to not be mad at Patty anymore for trying to have her killed in Season One, but Season Five is mostly about her never having forgotten about that. Weird!
3. Did Ellen’s loser sister ever get out of prison? In Season Five, her mom says she can’t go live with the sister because “Carrie has the baby,” and her accountant mentions that she pays for an apartment for her sister and the kid’s pre-school, but we never see her again. Weird!
4. Did Ellen really never ask her mother why she left her with a babysitter for six months, then tried to get the babysitter to adopt her? That was by far the most random plot point of the whole series to me.
5. The guy who is making bombs and doing surveillance for Gerald Boorman/ the CIA in Season Four looks EXACTLY like the guy who is helping Ellen out with surveillance in Season Five. Confusing much? No, I’m not just saying that because they are both African-American.
6. Speaking of Gerald Boorman, what the hell ever happened to that kid (maybe his son) who he was keeping in that locked room? We never see him again after the Highstar compound. Did he make it out alive???? Did he get deported? Why no follow up?
7. Whatever happened to Jill Burnham (Katherine’s mother)? Did she really NEVER get out of jail for having consensual sex with Patty’s 17 year old son Michael? Is Patty Hewes THAT good a lawyer? Amazing.
8. Accent trivia (I love this kind of stuff). Because of the aforementioned Voice of God, I have a finely-honed ear for accents. I can usually spot what I call “Weird Accent Syndrome” right away. By “Weird Accent Syndrome,” of course, I mean people who are trying to put on an accent, but they are just not good at it. Here is the weirdest example of that: Without a Trace was a drama that was on a few years ago. Anthony LaPaglia and Poppy Montgomery are both Australian. LaPaglia does a GREAT American accent, and Poppy Montgomery’s is absolutely horrible. Here is a clip.
–Rose Byrne is Australian but she does (in my opinion) a spot-on American accent.
– Zeljko Ivanek (Ray Fiske from Season One)—you might also remember him as JJ from Big Love. He is Slovenian, but they have him doing a strange, Foghorn Leghorn-like accent. I do not think it sounds believable, sorry.
— Speaking of Katie Connor, she sounds totally British acting like American.
— Speaking of British sounding like American, Janet McTeer, while she is a super amazing actress, also does an absolutely terrible American accent, which I found surprising. This is Season Five (McTeer plays Patty Hewes’ half-sister, in case you’re curious). Also, Janet McTeer is very tall. Basketball tall. I’m sure there are more examples, but those are the ones that stuck out for me enough to write down.
9. Patty Hewes (who barely knows how to operate a computer or a phone) pays a hacker $500,000 for information on the McLaren leak. When she said “Check your account,” to the hacker, I laughed out loud. ON WHAT PLANET can you instantly transfer half a million dollars? I guaran-damn-tee you that Paypal would jam up that transaction so bad, NO ONE would see that money for eighteen months. Chase bank? Forget about it. Wire transfer all the way, and even then, 72 hours for an amount that high. Once I’m done laughing, Ellen Parsons does the SAME TRANSFER, only this time the guy steals the information. Seriously—I want the name of that bank.
10. Am I to understand that whip-smart attorney Ellen Parsons in fact never discovers that Kate is Patty’s half-sister? I feel like this is some really important information that might have lead to the case being dismissed and/ or caused a mistrial. I know I just went to the law school of Law & Order (SVU), but I felt like this was a glaring omission.
11. Speaking of omissions/ fictions, am I also to believe that International Man of Mystery ™ Channing McLaren (who I’m assuming always looked like Ryan Phillippe), in his OCD glory, made one mistake with birth control one time, and that mistake was with BECKY FROM ROSANNE? I just found it incongruous that absolutely every other woman he hooks up with is absolutely stunning, but his baby mama is the frumpiest.
12. Patty Hewes' mean father tries to give the family land to Michael based on the fact that he is the last male Hewes heir. But….doesn't Kate mention that her son is away at college? Wouldn't that son also qualify as a male heir, since Grumpy Old Man Hewes is also her father? I'm just saying. It seems like Kate has been putting up with him all these years. He should totally give her the land!
We've covered already how I accidentally discovered I kind of like John Mayer, but also how I think it was a big mistake for he and Katy Perry to make this song (please go back and read that post, because it had some other hilarious examples of couples who were once in love and made songs/ videos about how eternal their love was, like Barbra Streisand and Don Johnson).
Apparently no one from John Mayer or Katy Perry's camps reads this blog/ wants my advice, because they have now doubled down on the schmaltz factor with this video. I could not make it all the way through without throwing up in my mouth a little bit, so just be warned.
Let's remind ourselves that Katy Perry was married to Russell Brand for less than a year, while John Mayer has f^^cked his way through every Hollywood starlet and model in the entire world. The fact that these two are ambitious enough to make a video about "their love" is amusing, but I'm just cringing for them in advance. Can it really be true that between the two of them, they don't have ONE Public Relations expert who is like "This is a bad idea"?
