OK, now that Christmas is over, I can tell you the Christmas song that Stephan and I regard as “the worst Christmas song of all time,” and all the reasons behind this choice. As you might recall, we’ve done several other (hilarious) compilations/ breakdowns of Christmas music, including “Saddest Christmas Songs” and “Most Insufferable Christmas Songs.” We really like to break down this genre.
When we were out and about this year, pre Christmas, we noticed that there were a lot of newly minted, extremely poppy Christmas songs. Those are off the table for consideration, because they are just uniformly awful. Also off the table are the older rock-star penned holiday tunes, like Chuck Berry’s “Run, Run Rudolph,” and the Beach Boys’ execrable “The Man With All the Toys.” We’ve also taken out of consideration Paul McCartney’s “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time,” which is not only a terrible Christmas song, it’s absolutely, far and away, the worst song he ever wrote. He should lose his knighthood for that song. I’m not joking.
Anyway. For practical purposes, we’ve limited the field to those Christmas songs that are “in the canon.” And there are plenty to choose from (so many, in fact, that I assert that we’d save a lot of trouble by never writing another. Just cover “Silent Night” and be done with it, Beyonce). “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer” bears consideration as worst Christmas song not least of which because it’s like the one they let Ringo write. It’s the “Yellow Submarine” of Christmas songs. Also, it’s got a terrible message: It’s only okay to be different if you’re useful. And you know what else? Those other reindeer that used to laugh and call Rudolf names? Assholes. Those reindeer belong in that town where Charlie Brown lives. Where was Santa when all that was going on?
“Jingle Bell Rock,” is another stinker, and “Holly Jolly Christmas” just sounds like they turned a third-grader loose with a rhyming dictionary. But after lengthy and careful analysis (not really), we’ve declared the worst Christmas song of all time to be: “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree,” written by Johnny Marks (who, by the way, also wrote “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and “Holly Jolly Christmas”) performed by Brenda Lee.
Here it is, in case you haven’t had the pleasure.
OK, here’s why we think this song is just so, so bad.
- The line that starts “you will get a sentimental feeling” sounds a little like an order, and I’m sorry, but I’m not letting my Christmas music tell me how to feel. I decide when I get a sentimental feeling, ok? NOT YOU.
- The end of that same line is “Voices singing let’s be jolly….DECK the halls with boughs of holly.” Um… okay, now you’ve just stolen a line from another, better song to fill out your crappy song’s lyrics. Christmas song party foul.
- It is thoroughly, completely unoriginal. It is, as philosophers would say, a pastiche of Christmas songs, like Christmas songs in a blender, or maybe it’s a combination of so much Christmas representation, there is no “there” there. In fact, if you want to get all postmodern, Jacques Lacan might say that this song is so many layers of representation, it doesn’t actually exist. BOOM! I went to graduate school.
4. It was obviously written by an old guy who’s trying so hard to sound young and hip, he is hurting himself. Marks was 49 at the time, clearly commissioned by a bunch of other middle aged squares trying to crank out something with some of that crazy “now” sound so they could hitch a ride on the teeny-bopper gravy train. Absolutely dripping with cynicism. The opening line goes “Rockin’ around the Christmas tree/at the Christmas party hop,” and it just gets worse from there. I’m surprised there’s not a reference to deuce coupes and reefer. But all of this is just a wind-up for the line that earns its place as the worst Christmas song of all time: “Everyone’s dancing merrily/in a new old-fashioned way.” “Say, gang! Did you hear that crazy tune, ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree?’ It sure is hep and now! Why, they’re speaking right to us, the young generation! Let’s take all the money we were gonna spend on malteds and hot rods and go buy ten copies instead!” Bleck.
As if to insure this song’s permanent “worst song ever” designation, the entire song is belted out with the fake enthusiasm of a musical theater person hopped up on sugary eggnog. Brenda Lee was 13 when she sang it, and you can almost see the stage mother on the other side of the glass, making the “smile” gesture, drawing the two sides of her mouth up with her fingers.
So, there. That’s why we find this song to be so very, very offensive. We just didn’t want to say this during actual Christmas, because we didn’t want to harsh your mellow in case this is like, your favorite Christmas jam.
