So, maybe you know (or probably not) that Stephan Cox, the Voice of God, is a voiceover guy on the show Damages. By “voiceover guy” I mean that he does the looping in some of the episodes, and looping is when you hear voices in the background (like on the radio), but you don’t see an actual person. This is of course a weird and interesting job, and you can go right here to listen to a bunch of interviews he did with other voiceover people to find out how they got into the business. We have a whole website about it!
Anywho (!), one of our friends mentioned recently that they heard his actual name in an episode of Damages, so of course I had to binge-watch the ENTIRE SERIES to find it.
Yes, I did. Actually, I often watch TV shows while I am writing/ updating code, so it is not unusual for me to watch a whole series. Buffy marathon, anyone?
So—Damages. It’s a cool show, right? The weird camera angles, the flash-forward (and backward) in time, the two woman protagonists, the storyline that varies every season—I liked it a lot. Also, I kind of want to be Patty Hewes when I grow up, because she seems like she gets really good customer service everywhere she goes.
I did just have a few questions, though, and maybe someone can answer them for me. You should know—this post is, like ALL SPOILERS. Every single line. If you haven’t seen the show, can I recommend that you get right on that? Netflix it up!
1. Coco. The dog, I mean. Ellen is still friends with Katie Connor during season two, but she doesn’t have the dog anymore. What happened there, I wonder? I just ask because Katie does not seem like the type of person who would give away a dog, especially after what happened to Saffron in Season One.
2. By Season Four, Ellen seems to not be mad at Patty anymore for trying to have her killed in Season One, but Season Five is mostly about her never having forgotten about that. Weird!
3. Did Ellen’s loser sister ever get out of prison? In Season Five, her mom says she can’t go live with the sister because “Carrie has the baby,” and her accountant mentions that she pays for an apartment for her sister and the kid’s pre-school, but we never see her again. Weird!
4. Did Ellen really never ask her mother why she left her with a babysitter for six months, then tried to get the babysitter to adopt her? That was by far the most random plot point of the whole series to me.
5. The guy who is making bombs and doing surveillance for Gerald Boorman/ the CIA in Season Four looks EXACTLY like the guy who is helping Ellen out with surveillance in Season Five. Confusing much? No, I’m not just saying that because they are both African-American.
6. Speaking of Gerald Boorman, what the hell ever happened to that kid (maybe his son) who he was keeping in that locked room? We never see him again after the Highstar compound. Did he make it out alive???? Did he get deported? Why no follow up?
7. Whatever happened to Jill Burnham (Katherine’s mother)? Did she really NEVER get out of jail for having consensual sex with Patty’s 17 year old son Michael? Is Patty Hewes THAT good a lawyer? Amazing.
8. Accent trivia (I love this kind of stuff). Because of the aforementioned Voice of God, I have a finely-honed ear for accents. I can usually spot what I call “Weird Accent Syndrome” right away. By “Weird Accent Syndrome,” of course, I mean people who are trying to put on an accent, but they are just not good at it. Here is the weirdest example of that: Without a Trace was a drama that was on a few years ago. Anthony LaPaglia and Poppy Montgomery are both Australian. LaPaglia does a GREAT American accent, and Poppy Montgomery’s is absolutely horrible. Here is a clip.
–Rose Byrne is Australian but she does (in my opinion) a spot-on American accent.
– Zeljko Ivanek (Ray Fiske from Season One)—you might also remember him as JJ from Big Love. He is Slovenian, but they have him doing a strange, Foghorn Leghorn-like accent. I do not think it sounds believable, sorry.
— Speaking of Katie Connor, she sounds totally British acting like American.
— Speaking of British sounding like American, Janet McTeer, while she is a super amazing actress, also does an absolutely terrible American accent, which I found surprising. This is Season Five (McTeer plays Patty Hewes’ half-sister, in case you’re curious). Also, Janet McTeer is very tall. Basketball tall. I’m sure there are more examples, but those are the ones that stuck out for me enough to write down.
9. Patty Hewes (who barely knows how to operate a computer or a phone) pays a hacker $500,000 for information on the McLaren leak. When she said “Check your account,” to the hacker, I laughed out loud. ON WHAT PLANET can you instantly transfer half a million dollars? I guaran-damn-tee you that Paypal would jam up that transaction so bad, NO ONE would see that money for eighteen months. Chase bank? Forget about it. Wire transfer all the way, and even then, 72 hours for an amount that high. Once I’m done laughing, Ellen Parsons does the SAME TRANSFER, only this time the guy steals the information. Seriously—I want the name of that bank.
10. Am I to understand that whip-smart attorney Ellen Parsons in fact never discovers that Kate is Patty’s half-sister? I feel like this is some really important information that might have lead to the case being dismissed and/ or caused a mistrial. I know I just went to the law school of Law & Order (SVU), but I felt like this was a glaring omission.
11. Speaking of omissions/ fictions, am I also to believe that International Man of Mystery ™ Channing McLaren (who I’m assuming always looked like Ryan Phillippe), in his OCD glory, made one mistake with birth control one time, and that mistake was with BECKY FROM ROSANNE? I just found it incongruous that absolutely every other woman he hooks up with is absolutely stunning, but his baby mama is the frumpiest.
12. Patty Hewes' mean father tries to give the family land to Michael based on the fact that he is the last male Hewes heir. But….doesn't Kate mention that her son is away at college? Wouldn't that son also qualify as a male heir, since Grumpy Old Man Hewes is also her father? I'm just saying. It seems like Kate has been putting up with him all these years. He should totally give her the land!
