Category: Things I Think Are Funny, But You May Not

Yep, I'm on the plane today, loaded up on Xanax and making my way back to the east coast, so you know what that means– I have to leave you with a bunch of photos and tidbits I have stored up to amuse you in my absence.  By the way, I've heard several reports that the email service that sends this blog to subscribers is not really working the way it should be, and thus some of you have not been getting the updates regularly.  Apologies!  I am switching over to a different software program for that, and should have that problem fixed soon.   In the meantime, if you could just check the actual blog on a regular basis until it starts showing up in your email again, thaaat would be greeeeatt…..

This one I took inside a Starbucks bathroom, and I think it's really funny for several reasons.  For one, I don't think "Anytime is Frappucino time" is an accurate statement.  In fact, nighttime is NOT a good time for Frappucino.  They don't make it in decaf, and if you drink it and it's, like, past 7pm, you're going to be up all night, so this ad is just silly.  Also, I think it's funny that they have a coffee ad in the Starbucks bathroom, because isn't coffee the reason you're in there in the first place?  I think you know what I'm saying.

This was outside of the Christmas/ holiday stuff store I like so much on Wilshire, Aah's.   In my mind, nothing says holiday cheer like an inflatable plastic chair that's the color of urine.    What, exactly, are you supposed to do with a urine-colored plastic blow up chair?  Does this go in the living room?  It boggles my mind that this chair made it all the way through the conceptual phase, into production in some factory in China, and onto the streets of Los Angeles where it could make me laugh.

  I've had this discussion with at least two other writers, and none of us know what to make of this title.  "Quantum of Solace" is one of those titles that SOUNDS like it means something, when in fact it's actually just words put together in a semi-attractive sounding fashion, perhaps to obfuscate the fact that no one could think of something catchy like "DIE ANOTHER DAY" or "LIVE AND LET DIE".  A "quantum" is the smallest measurement of time, right?  And "solace" is like, when you feel better?  So, is the point of this movie that after he gets some kind of vengeance, he's only going to be offered a QUANTUM OF SOLACE?  Wha….?  That's going to be a pretty short movie, right?  I haven't heard a Bond title this bad since (wait for it)….Octopussy.  Or, maybe I'm just reading too much into things again.  Also, I have some good scoop on another former Bond actor that unfortunately I am not able to share on this blog.  But, it's pretty darn entertaining.  Look for it in a book someday. 

**There is no photo for this anecdote, and that's just a shame.  The other day, Stephan called me as he was getting off the 10 freeway at Crenshaw (for those of you who don't know this already, 10 to Crenshaw is a freaking AWESOME way to get to Hollywood.  Way faster than anything else we've tried).  Anyhow, he's at the 10 and Crenshaw, and he's all "I don't understand why there is an outdoor sign on this corner advertising Barry Manilow's new Christmas album.   That is just wasted advertising, right?  Isn't that kind of like advertising the fact that DMX's new album is dropping, and putting the sign for that up on the Upper East side or in Beverly Hills?"  

So—how’s it going?   Yes, it smells like smoke in our neighborhood and air quality has been very bad, which is why we were indoors for most of the weekend, except for one sojourn out to a canyon to do some hiking—something we’ve been meaning to do for several years but never gotten around to, and since it’s ten minutes from our place, we figured “what the heck?”

The point of this story is coming, I promise.  On the way to the canyon, we stopped at 7-Eleven to get some bottles of water, and because I decided that I hadn’t had enough coffee yet, and since it was still before noon, I wandered over to the coffee station, which I swear used to be a pot of regular coffee and a pot of burned decaf with an orange handle that looked like it hadn’t been changed in a week.  And, I’m not just talking about one 7-Eleven here—I’m talking about every 7-Eleven I’ve ever been in since I was a kid.

Anyhow, as it turns out, there’s no such thing as “regular coffee” or even “half decaf/ half regular” coffee at 7-Eleven anymore, or rather, there is now so much choice over there at the 7-Eleven now, you barely know where to begin.  Flavored coffee (don’t even get me started—so gross), green tea, and, the thing I found most hilarious of all—apparently America is not quite over-caffeinated enough, because now instead of just regular, maybe strong coffee, 7-11 has like, four different kinds of super, SUPER strong coffee.  When I later told Stephan about the unnecessarily huge variety of coffees in
7-Eleven now, he said "wow– I had no idea all that was going on in
there.  That kind of freaks me out."

Now I’ll take a moment to say the following.  If you need “fusion energy” coffee that’s also infused with ginseng, guarana, and yerba mate, you might actually want to see a physician about your narcolepsy problem.  Also, I don’t even want to think about the pooping that’s going to go on after someone drinks this coffee.  There are no bathrooms in 7-Eleven, ok?  

That’s not even the most awesome part, though.  In addition to the “fusion energy” variety of coffee, 7-Eleven also has “extra bold” coffee, AND if that’s not enough, they also have a little bucket of what looks like creamer, until you realized it’s EXTRA SHOTS OF CAFFEINE for your already ludicrously caffeinated super Franken coffee.  The extra shots are 40 mg apiece, and there’s a WARNING on them that says “don’t use more than two of these per day!” like you’re actually thinking clearly if you’re grabbing some of those bad boys and adding them to your coffee.

While I was in line waiting to pay for the small cup of innocuous half-caf I managed to finally procure for myself, I noticed that the guy in back of me (who, incidentally, had painted black nails, a pockmarked face, and dyed black hair) was holding a really large cup of what I can only assume was FUSION ENERGY COFFEE, and in his other hand—three of those 40 mg caffeine shots.

A few minutes later the same guy sped FULL SPEED past us on Barrington and turned into an apartment building.  I think you can guess why he was in such a hurry.

I'm surprised I'm even writing this right now, since I spent the weekend alternately working very hard on another book deadline and screwing around on Facebook (one has to really balance out the other), and now my brain is a little crispy fried, plus I'm trying to get everything done before we leave to go to Northern Cal on Thursday for Stephan's mom's surgery.  But, this has been in my notebook for awhile and I thought it was kind of funny, so I thought I'd put it down.
 
I think I've mentioned before that if you eat a few pieces of Dove Dark Chocolate after dinner it keeps you from wanting dessert (sugarless gum works too, if you need further confirmation that I am weight-obsessed, but get past it).  Recently, though, I started noticing that there is a clever little saying on the inside of each one.  Most of them are normal (if a little schmaltzy), like "Enjoy every day like it's a spa day," or "Life is like chocolate," or some crap like that.  And, that's cool.  I'll take a little Hallmark card wisdom with my chocolate, whatever.  I am pretty glad I'm not the copywriter who has to come up with those sayings, though, because as I might have mentioned before, I have had jobs like that in the past, and that kind of thing gets very old, very fast.  In case you're interested, this person has taken the time to compile all the sayings in one place. 

Which brings me to my next point.   Lately, it seems like someone at the Dove Chocolate factory has some emotional issues, or maybe they've given the account to another agency that has taken a slightly different style– I really don't know.  I'm saying this because I keep unwrapping these pieces of chocolate that have these sentiments in them that are–just a little bit off, and now we've been collecting them.

It started with this one:  "Love is giving without getting."

Stephan took one look at this one and said "This is not a chocolate moment– this is what an abused girlfriend says.  Love is giving AND getting, and someone at Dove needs therapy."  After that, we started looking out for the ones that sound like this, so we could speculate as to who wrote them and why.  And, when you start to look at them with this perspective, they are ALL funny, kind of like when you put “between the sheets” after the message inside the fortune cookie. 

The next one I opened said "Let your mind wander and dream."  Yep, this is the same person.  They totally want out of the bad relationship indicated above.  Maybe the next Dove chocolate message will have an address so we can go find her and help her.  Or, this one could mean that we need to use chocolate to help us escape life, which (as we know from watching Intervention) is a sign of emotional eating and will soon lead to drug abuse and/ or obesity. 

"Time is a river without banks."  And…just as I predicted, chocolate has acted as a gateway drug….to LSD.  I'm also going to put "Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down" in this category.  "Hey man— eat some of this chocolate!  It tastes like raindrops and lizard tears!"
Next up, I'm pointing out that “There is only one pretty child and every mother has it” is not only improper grammar, but is another blatant cry for help.  Only one, really?   That is sad.  Now I just want to give this person a hug.

Other noteworthy epigrams/ cries for help include “Forget the rules and follow your instincts,” “Take time out for a catnap,” and “Do a little more every day than you think you possibly can,” which I think is trying to encourage us to become workaholics.

We like this game so much that now, Stephan has started making up new ones.  So far, he’s got:  “You really should be further along at your age,” and “You parents are… reasonably proud of you.”

Yes, it’s Costco post time again.  I know, you’re probably thinking "they’re two people– what can they need at Costco all the time?"  But, you know, Stephan and I are really creatures of habit, and so we do alot of the same things every day, like take the same vitamins, eat the same granola bars and oatmeal, and drink the same beer.  Well, he mostly drinks the beer, but you get what I’m saying.  When you eat something every single day, you might as well buy it in bulk.  Plus, have you seen how cheap the Johnnie Walker Black is at Costco?  I doubt I’m allowed to mention it in public and all, but it’s a good deal.  And when you live with a person who likes to drink, you need to save where you can, ok?

Or, maybe it’s just that I like really big stuff.  That could be it.  Somehow, the absurdity of size never ceases to amuse me.  For example, Burt Ward, who used to play Robin in the old Batman & Robin tv show, now has a ranch in Southern California called Gentle Giants Dog Rescue, where he rescues large-breed dogs and finds homes for them.  And by large-breed dogs, of course, I mean dogs that look like this:

  Frankly, Burt Ward and his family deserve a medal for taking in these huge dogs, training them, and adopting them out to good homes, because most people would take one look at a 250 pound mastiff-type dog and go running the other way.  But, one of the reasons that I love the site so much is that I just like looking at the pictures of the super-huge dogs, for some reason.   If you’re so inclined, go to their website and scroll down until you see "Avalanche, the World’s Largest Dog," a 305-pound Great Dane.  I defy you not to just sit there staring at him, wondering how much he eats, and yes, how much that dog must poop.  I’m just saying.

Anyhow, getting back to Costco and things that are big.  Sometimes I laugh out loud when I go there, because I come upon displays like this:

All I can say is:  Wow, that’s alot of air freshener.  If you have the need for Oust in this quantity, maybe you should go get yourself checked out by a doctor.  Or move away from the pig farm.  Because in my mind, your household needs a can or two of Lysol or Oust every year, and any more than that warrants some investigation.

Next, I’ll move on to this large sculpture-type thing that I think is meant for your front lawn.  "Madison," they’re calling her.  Not only is she large, but she’s a little creepy, I think you’ll agree.  AND any charming girlishness Madison might have is totally offset by the institutional, prison-like backdrop they’ve got her lying on.  I think it’s the juxtaposition that makes this one so funny to me.  Since it’s Costco, they’re not going to set Madison up on a realistic front lawn so you can see how she’ll look.  Nope.  Use your imagination, and put her in your basket.  Or don’t.  She’s hanging out there with a cage background, waiting for you to put her in your shopping cart.

I will have to just describe the last funny Costco thing– I was standing in line in back of a guy, waiting to check out, and I noticed that his basket was filled with canned squid.  Nothing else– not mayo, not pimentos, nothing you might think he would use to mix up the squid into sandwiches that he could sell at his "Weirdo Squid Sandwich Restaurant."  Just squid.  Which, I guess is really what Costco is great for– people like me, who want protein bars and oatmeal at a discount, and guys who just really, really like canned squid.  The reason I didn’t take a picture of the guy and his squid basket?  Well, come on– he’s buying a cartfull of squid, which means it wouldn’t be that much of a leap for him to just go all "serial killer" and bludgeon me, right?  He’s got a cart filled with squid, ok?  I’m not getting out my camera phone and agitating him.

I pulled this advertisement out of the in-flight magazine in the airplane last week– as you can see it then floated around in my bag for a few days, where it became nice and crumpled, but I still thought it was funny enough to warrant smoothing it out and scanning it.  I don’t know what it is about corporate propaganda on candy that I find so insidious– the one that says "4th quarter Rocked!" kills me.  Spreading the message is one thing– give me all the corporate marketing you want in places like free pens and stuff I’ll get at a trade show and never use, like mousepads and squishy stress-balls shaped like red blood cells.  But– dude.  Candy?  Is nothing sacred??  First of all, the message is lost, because I’m eating the vehicle.  And also?  Maybe I wouldn’t want to eat so much candy if I weren’t so depressed by things like this.

See how that goes?  It perpetuates itself.  The very existence of the corporate candy depresses me, causing me to want to eat it.  Hey, maybe that’s what they were going for the in the first place.  Certainly memorable, and definitely worth being rescued from the bottom of my bag, don’t you think?

Another amusing item I’ve been meaning to scan is this hilarious brochure for a cholesterol-lowering medication.  We were in the grocery store when we spotted this, and Steph was like "Clearly your problem here is not high-cholesterol– it’s the fact that you have an entire ham sandwich floating around in your veins."  I have to agree-I see what they’re going for, but these graphics are totally overexaggerated and funny.  Wow– is that really what it looks like once I’ve eaten roasted chicken?  Neato!

This totally reminds me of the time my grandma was getting in my face, trying to convince me that her cholesterol is lower than mine even though she eats bacon, and I was refusing to participate in this ridiculous discussion because she had a heart attack ten years ago and since then has been on the cholesterol drugs instead of just changing her diet.  Not fair, right?  Her cholesterol is probably NOT lower than mine because she’s 97 and that’s just impossible, but the very nature of the argument is absurd as well.  She’s totally on the "whole piece of bacon in your veins" medication!

I don’t know how it works exactly, but she’s very pleased with the results, and continues to eat smoked meats in blatant defiance of doctor’s orders.  As she munches away, she smiles and says things like "my cholesterol has never been lower!"

Hey, did you know that the singer Seal used to have lupus, but now it’s in remission?  Yeah, it’s how he got those scars on his face.  And, speaking of weird stuff on the face, those scar-spots that Morgan Freeman has?  That’s a condition called dermatitis papulosa.  And also?  Speaking of scars?  Did you know that Sharon Stone has one on her neck, and that Catherine Zeta-Jones had a tracheotomy?

Um, yeah. You can learn ALOT of trivial crap when you’re stewing about your re-write.  I have now changed the perspective on my latest novel (the teen/ YA book) three times, and think I’ve finally found the right one.  But– the in between times, when it’s not working, but you don’t know what to do to make it work?

Brutal.  Surf the internet for random "I’ve always wondered about that" trivia brutal.   "Catch up on my FaceBook email" brutal.  "Clean my office" brutal.   I mean, I’m not saying that writing is as hard as, say, working in a coal mine, because we all know it’s not, and I’m super grateful to even have people who are interested to read my stories, dude.  It IS hard, though, when you know you have a good story, but you can’t figure out how to make it come out.   And because I try to always follow my father-in-law’s Three Rules of Life (hold over your plate, read the directions, and don’t force anything), I have to just wait it out until it starts flowing again.  OK, now I’m making writing sound like pooping, but you get the general idea. 

Remember the days BEFORE the internet?  How did I survive grad school and my Master’s Thesis (which was about Dostoevsky, Strindberg, and the modern theater, in case you’ve got that on your "things you want to know about me" list) without the internet to console me during the lean times?   Now that I think back on it, I think I spent those pre-internet stewing moments reading John Grisham novels while I waited for my mind to solve the problem.

Because I think maybe you have some of these moments in your life, and because maybe you are like me and want to learn interesting things while you are stewing I will share this fascinating site with you:  http://www.skinema.com .  No, it’s not a porn site, and yes, it is safe for work.  It’s a compilation of celebrity skin conditions.  I don’t know why I find this kind of stuff so interesting.  Maybe this site will interest you as well, if in fact you are in the middle of a big project, and suddenly find yourself wanting to acquire more information about the albino from the Da Vinci code, or track the progress of Nic Cage’s male pattern baldness, or many, many other vitally important things that will serve you well later in your life.

Someone asked me the other day– "what’s the first image you think of when you hear the words "Funny Strange?"  Because these are the kinds of things people ask me, in case you’re wondering.

I don’t know why, but "dogs in costume" came to mind.  I have to say, there is nothing funnier to me than one of those catalogs of dog accoutrement that occasionally show up in our mailbox.  And it’s not because the dogs are so precious or that the merchandise itself is funny.

I think what really gets me is the looks on the dogs’ faces, and imagining what it must have been like to try to take that picture.  Is there anything sadder than this pug’s face? 

Maybe I’m really laughing at the next moment– the one you don’t see, where the dog starts frantically rubbing his head on the floor, or starts ripping the foam out of one of the toys, shaking his head wildly from side to side.  Because that is so what’s happening right after they wrap these shoots.

Then there’s this one, where they’ve clearly either drugged the dog to get him to wear this outfit, or have just PhotoShopped a photo of a black lab onto the hippie costume.

Again, my thoughts go more to the "behind the scenes" aspect– imagine being the person whose JOB it is to PhotoShop a dog’s head onto a hippie costume?   Someone’s boss thought this was a really, really good idea.  "Johnson!  You know what would really sell the hippie costume?  A BLACK LAB!  Get right on that!"

Maybe it’s because I own a dog that won’t tolerate the dressing up.  He doesn’t care if you want to see him dressed like a hippie or with some fetching reindeer antlers on his head.  He thinks it’s demeaning, and he’s going to lodge a complaint with his union if you try to put a hat on him or balance anything on his nose.    And he MOST CERTAINLY does not want you dressing him up like a rabbi.

This dog is only sitting still because he’s being bribed with meaty treats.  You can practically see the crumbled up pieces of bacon reflected in his eyes.  Also, when I showed this hilarious photo to Stephan, he said "Isn’t it ironic that they picked the most German dog they could find to dress up like a rabbi?"

Yesterday I drove by the Westside Rentals guy, and he was wearing a skirt and had on a hat in the shape of Goofy on his head.  So yeah, apparently he can get crazier, and also– that is just sad.   Someone needs to call social services on this guy’s behalf. 

This is a little confusing to comprehend at first, so I’ve included a photo.

There is a Sav-On Pharmacy right down the street from my house. In preparation for Halloween, they put up this six foot tall robot-type man who looks like a mad scientist. Every time a person walks into or out of the store, he says something like “I’ve got a fun game we can play….it’s called fun with electricity,” and other mad scientist things of this nature. This is probably very annoying to the people actually working in the store, but that’s beside the point.

This is the part I think is truly absurd: Animatronic Mad Scientist Guy has a plastic beaker in his hand, like he’s going to do an experiment. About ten days ago, we noticed that people had started throwing money into the beaker, like a quarter, or some pennies, or whatever. Then more people started doing it, and now by the end of the day, Mad Scientist Robot Guy has at least $2 or $3 in that beaker. This baffles me. Why are people giving money to a fake mad scientist? Do they have any concept of where that money might go? Are they tipping the guy for bugging everyone?

To compound the absurdity of this situation, there is a REAL LIVE homeless guy that stands out in front of this Savon all day long, going “spare any change?” To which the answer would be:

“no, I can’t spare any change, I just gave my change to the FAKE ROBOT GUY standing right in front of you. I think it’s more worthwhile to give money to a fake person than to give it to you, since at least I know he’s not going to spend it on $2 jugs of wine, then sit in front of the Savon for yet another day, prolonging the horrible rut that you’re in. At least it makes me laugh to see that other people have also giving to Fake Mad Scientist Guy, to ponder the strangeness of this situation. In fact, I have more faith that Fake Mad Scientist Guy is going to get his act together, come to life, and get a job than I do that you’re going to do anything productive with my spare change. And that, my friend, is why I am giving it to him and not you.”

Or something like that. I’ve never given change to either of them.

So, my friend Daniel works for Richard Foreman’s theater company the Ontological in New York, and we went to see the new show a few weeks ago when we were there.  The show is called “Zomboid!” and it’s actually pretty good, but a more thorough analysis must come later.  What I must share now is an evolving phenomenon called “Lou Reed is Cozy."

Lou Reed, as you may know, used to be in the Velvet Underground…you know “Take a Walk on the Wild Side,” “Pale Blue Eyes,” and a lot of other songs about being a junkie and living in seedy New York City in the 1970’s.   I guess in my mind, in person this guy would be so grizzled and edgy, dressed all in black, covered in tats, and hiding all the secrets of his rock and roll past in his wrinkled, leathery face.  Also, he’s either married to or in a long, long term relationship with performance artist, Laurie Anderson, which in my mind makes him even cooler.  What do they talk about when they go home?  Fascinating.

Anyhow, Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson were seated right in back of us in the theater.  This time they were in a place where I could actually turn around and get a good look, so I did.  And, lo and behold, Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson were dressed in what looked to be Old Navy Performance Fleece.

I’m contemplating whether this can be one of those things where they’re so cool they can get away with looking frumpy, because they simply don’t care what you think, when Stephan leans over and says “The King and Queen of the New York Avant Garde are cozy.”  This pushes me over the edge.

Also, this is the third time in a row that Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson have been seated behind us at a

New York

show.  This happened several years ago at the Ontological, then again in

Brooklyn

recently.    Really, this is happening so frequently, I go up to Laurie Anderson after the show and say “didn’t we see you the other night in

Brooklyn

?  We must have the same taste in theater,” to which she smiles and replies “See you tomorrow night!”

Such a clever response that for a moment I forgot that The King and Queen of the New York Avant Garde looked like they could be my parents.