Dove Chocolate Epigrams, or– Someone Has Emotional Problems…
I'm surprised I'm even writing this right now, since I spent the weekend alternately working very hard on another book deadline and screwing around on Facebook (one has to really balance out the other), and now my brain is a little crispy fried, plus I'm trying to get everything done before we leave to go to Northern Cal on Thursday for Stephan's mom's surgery. But, this has been in my notebook for awhile and I thought it was kind of funny, so I thought I'd put it down.
I think I've mentioned before that if you eat a few pieces of Dove Dark Chocolate after dinner it keeps you from wanting dessert (sugarless gum works too, if you need further confirmation that I am weight-obsessed, but get past it). Recently, though, I started noticing that there is a clever little saying on the inside of each one. Most of them are normal (if a little schmaltzy), like "Enjoy every day like it's a spa day," or "Life is like chocolate," or some crap like that. And, that's cool. I'll take a little Hallmark card wisdom with my chocolate, whatever. I am pretty glad I'm not the copywriter who has to come up with those sayings, though, because as I might have mentioned before, I have had jobs like that in the past, and that kind of thing gets very old, very fast. In case you're interested, this person has taken the time to compile all the sayings in one place.
Which brings me to my next point. Lately, it seems like someone at the Dove Chocolate factory has some emotional issues, or maybe they've given the account to another agency that has taken a slightly different style– I really don't know. I'm saying this because I keep unwrapping these pieces of chocolate that have these sentiments in them that are–just a little bit off, and now we've been collecting them.
It started with this one: "Love is giving without getting."
Stephan took one look at this one and said "This is not a chocolate moment– this is what an abused girlfriend says. Love is giving AND getting, and someone at Dove needs therapy." After that, we started looking out for the ones that sound like this, so we could speculate as to who wrote them and why. And, when you start to look at them with this perspective, they are ALL funny, kind of like when you put “between the sheets” after the message inside the fortune cookie.
The next one I opened said "Let your mind wander and dream." Yep, this is the same person. They totally want out of the bad relationship indicated above. Maybe the next Dove chocolate message will have an address so we can go find her and help her. Or, this one could mean that we need to use chocolate to help us escape life, which (as we know from watching Intervention) is a sign of emotional eating and will soon lead to drug abuse and/ or obesity.
"Time is a river without banks." And…just as I predicted, chocolate has acted as a gateway drug….to LSD. I'm also going to put "Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down" in this category. "Hey man— eat some of this chocolate! It tastes like raindrops and lizard tears!"
Next up, I'm pointing out that “There is only one pretty child and every mother has it” is not only improper grammar, but is another blatant cry for help. Only one, really? That is sad. Now I just want to give this person a hug.
Other noteworthy epigrams/ cries for help include “Forget the rules and follow your instincts,” “Take time out for a catnap,” and “Do a little more every day than you think you possibly can,” which I think is trying to encourage us to become workaholics.
We like this game so much that now, Stephan has started making up new ones. So far, he’s got: “You really should be further along at your age,” and “You parents are… reasonably proud of you.”
A river without banks is an ocean.
Or at least a very large puddle.