Sad Holiday Songs, Volume I

We’re leaving for New York on Sunday, so I’m trying to get all my funny in before we do, since when I travel I end up writing all my blog posts in a black composition book, then transcribing them when I’m back in the office. 

Again, this is something that probably only I notice. The holidays bring up a lot of mixed feelings
for people, and I think those feelings are well reflected in a number of songs
that SOUND cheerful, but in reality are far from it. Think of me the next time one of these gems
pops up on your Holiday Compilation CD you got from Best Buy.

1. I’ll
        Be Home for Christmas. I think the
        Frank Sinatra version is probably the most depressing. This song is clearly told from the
        perspective of someone who is fighting in an overseas war, so they will
        decidedly NOT be home for Christmas. Thus the biting “if only in my dreams” tag at the end. Ew! It burns! He’s probably
        holed up in a hospital somewhere with no legs, eating MREs (Meals Ready to
        Eat, in case you’re not a military kid like me) and reminiscing about when
        things didn’t suck so much.
       
       
2. Baby,
        It’s Cold Outside. The original
        date rape song. “OK, thanks for
        dinner….I’m just going to go home now” “No….baby it’s cold outside, why don’t you stay for awhile….take
        off your coat…..” Translation: we’re snowed in, I’m certainly not
        putting the chains on my tires to get us out of here, and so, frankly, you’re
        not going anywhere.
       
       
3. If I
        Get Home on Christmas Day (Elvis)…notice that the operative word in the
        title is “If,” not “When,” implying that while he’s going to do his
        darndest to tear himself away from the drink and the dice, he is probably
        not going to be successful again this year. Elvis also gives us the stunningly
        depressing “Blue Christmas,” where he knows you’re going to have a good
        Christmas, but without you he’s never going to smile again. So, put that in your cranberry sauce and
        smoke it.
       
       
4. Do
        They Know It’s Christmas? Remember
        this one? Um, I don’t know about
        you, but when I’m getting my turkey and stuffing on, I definitely do NOT
        want to think about starving children in

   Africa

   .
    
5. The Christmas Shoes, by NewSong. This one is about a little boy who’s trying
   to raise money to buy his mama a pair of shoes for Christmas—because she’s
   DYING, and he wants her to look nice in case she meets Jesus tonight. Not surprisingly, this one doesn’t get much
   airplay anymore.