I’m Having a Chocolate Moment Right Now

You know, those Dove individual chocolates are really good.  First I started eating the dark chocolate ones, because (I can’t believe I’m admitting this) I read in a women’s magazine that if you eat a few of them after dinner, it tricks your body into thinking you’ve had dessert.  This is a textbook eating disorder thing to do, but it actually works.  Anyway, then I got a box of the Milk Chocolate ones for free (at the Emmys, actually– the box of chocolates had an Emmy on them, if you can believe it).  And those things are just really, really delicious.   It was when I was in the midst of eating one of these that I noticed that every one of them has a clever little saying inside, like "Life is Short….Eat More Chocolate." These are called your chocolate moments, you see. This prompted me to go to the Dove website, which led me to this spectacular piece of copywriting geniosity:

We know you treasure your chocolate moments.

From our silky chocolate pieces to our new ice cream and cookies, DOVE® creates a chocolate moment like no other.

So, maybe I’m the only person who thinks this (I seem to start an awful lot of these posts this way), but when I see a piece of writing that’s obviously meant to be faux-profound, it always makes me think of the copywriter, sitting at their desk in their ad agency, chin resting in hand, noodling around on a piece of paper, trying to make words into something that sounds deep.  Because someone has to write those words, you know.  A real writer, who goes to work every day (or maybe works from home), and they get an assignment, and the assignment is always something like "write us a series of clever haikus that reflect our corporate equity while using the word "leadership."  I’m actually not making that up, because that was a project I got assigned, and spent two weeks working on in 1999.  The assignment after that involved writing a narrative of a character called <CORPORATION> Man, only the characteristics of the man were those of the corporation, get it?  Like, <CORPORATION> Man is trustworthy and brave!  He climbs the mountain and surmounts obstacles, rather than taking the easy way out!  Through insider connections, I managed to get myself transferred onto another project that made me want to kill myself a little bit less, and pass this gem on to a more junior writer.  Now, before you go all "that’s cold– no one deserves a crap assignment like that," understand this:  I paid my dues.  In fact, one of my very first paid jobs as a freelance writer was to write summaries of catalogs.  Yes– summaries.  Of catalogs.  But, the summaries had to sound catchy, like "This clever catalog incorporates the best of baby clothing with a variety of products for your pampered pooch!"

Yeah, makes you die a little inside just to read that, I know.  How do you think I felt?  I got paid BY THE CATALOG.  Sometimes getting paid to write is a weird thing– it makes you feel a little like a creativity plumber or something.  Like, creativity is something you’re supposed to reserve for your "hobbies," or your "off hours," and yet here we are, trying to be profound on cue.  I suppose graphic designers have this problem as well, and fashion designers, and really anyone whose job involves getting a paycheck to pull something (hopefully something deep) out of your mind.  I’m just saying it’s different than adding numbers to a spreadsheet is all.  And so whenever I see a piece of ad copy where it’s so clear that someone was standing right over the copywriter’s desk, pressuring them to "turn on the creativity faucet and let it flow!" I pause for a moment, because you know, I feel for that person.    Sometimes you get to work and you don’t feel like writing about chocolate, but no one cares.  They need their words by 3pm, and they could really care less if you feel inspired, or if your muse is speaking to you.  Pen to paper, man!  Let’s have 150 words on the chocolate moment, and make it snappy!

On the other hand, I don’t get writer’s block ever, because I’ve learned to regard my daily output of words as my utilitarian contribution to society, like being a word plumber or a word UPS man.    Because of this training I CAN actually sit down and write something that sounds decent about almost any topic, which has served me well in my life.

Yes, these are the things I spend time thinking about, because I don’t have children.

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