As if to stoke the fire of “I really don’t want to
have kids of my own” in my mind, people have started saying things to me that seem like
they’re trying to warn me not to have them. Over the weekend, I was walking my dog on
harried-looking woman with two little kids came out of a store. I’m not kidding, one of the kids (he was
maybe 3 or so) came THIS CLOSE to running right out into traffic— so close
that the mom screamed, and I screamed, and I totally thought the kid was toast.
But, just like this was the kind of thing that happens every
day, she took the kid by the hand and said “Jonah! Don’t ever do that! You scared mommy!”, then totally went about her
business. I was still standing right
next to her, so I said “Wow….that was surprising and scary.”
I’m not joking, she laughed and replied “Oh, that pretty
much describes parenthood.”
Other people I know who have little kids are always offering
to leave their kids with me, as if to solidify the fact that I don’t want to
have any. “Oh my GOD!” they’ll say. “One afternoon with my little guys, and you’ll be 110% sure you don’t
want them!” Get this: I like sleeping and reading,
and I like to clean my house once and then have it stay clean. I hate throwing up, I don’t like people who
ask the same question over and over again, and I think people in general need
to keep their voices down and act more civilized. This pretty much means I’d either be the meanest, strictest mom in the history of time, or that I’m better off just being a great Auntie who can leave when I get frustrated. Right? Right?
On another note, you must know how much I love Maddie G, who is pictured above making a silly face– today we decided she needed some big girl diaper pants, because she’s an 18 month old genius who has already gone poop in the potty once (albeit with ALOT of prompting), so I made the trek over to Costco to get some of those. I like to wait to hit up Costco for diapers until we’re also out of booze, so that my shopping cart looks like this:
1 giant bottle of Johnnie Walker Black
2 cases of Amstel Light
Some cheap wine
2 boxes of Size 3 diapers (200 pack)
1 box of big-girl pull up type diapers with Cinderella AND Ariel the mermaid on them (see– I know about pull up diapers and Disney characters, even though my heart is made of stone).
I do this because I like to let the cashier guy look at all my stuff, look back at me, and say inquisitively "Um….is this all yours?" Because that just makes me look like a big ol’ wino alkie mom, and that makes me laugh. I have never gone so far as to actually say something like "Them kids is DRIVIN me to drink!", but I’m sure I’ll get there. I find these types of things extremely amusing. Maddie G. and I have the perfect "Nice Auntie and Me" relationship– we play and she acts all adorable, and then I give her back when she starts to smell.