He gets on the bus in the middle of a long line
of people, but I can already tell he’s special. It’s at least 75 degrees
outside, he’s dressed in full-on Huggy Bear regalia, from Starsky and Hutch. As
it is nowhere near Halloween, I can only assume that he is serious with this
outfit, and take him at face value. From the giant gold pinky ring to his gold
lame suit to the hat complete with fur trim and cane topped with an ivory
monkey’s head, he is 100% pimp. Not sure if that was the look he was going for,
I shot several “are you getting all this?” looks to my fellow riders. They’re
with me.
To clarify: the bus is already full when he tries to get on. Commuter
full. Too full, really, for all that he’s got going on. But he gets on anyway,
and surveys the crowd. Suddenly, we all know we’re in for a long
ride.
Note to freaks riding public transport: maybe a good time to
really get your freak on is between the hours of 11am and 3pm daily. It’s tough
to really stand out when the bus is packed, wall to wall, with angry
commuters.
People are still situating
themselves. The bus hasn’t even moved, and already, little bits of freakiness
are starting to come out, like steam escaping from a hot kettle. A long series
of MMmmmmmmm….hmmmmssss, first, then a perfunctory eye-balling of the ass of
every woman on the bus. Good times.
Then, suddenly, he utters the
single phrase that will be the shot heard round the world of this experience for
me.
“Yeah…..could someone give me a seat? I’m a pimp.”
At first, we’re all a little shocked and uncomfortable, like in
10th grade history class when we got to the part on slavery and there
were two African American kids in the room. No one knows what to do. We’re
caught between laughing it off, gasping, and saying nothing when a diminutive
woman does the most unexpected thing of all.
She gets up and gives the
pimp her seat.
Let me repeat that. She gave him her seat. Now, a whole new
paradigm in my mind: a new sign to be posted on buses all over
America!
Seating reserved for the elderly, disabled, pregnant women……and pimps.
We’ve long since transcended the “I saw a weird guy on the bus”
experience. The giving of the seat has put us squarely in the Public
Transportation Twilight Zone. I’ve made the conscious decision to commit every
single moment of this to memory. I can’t take notes, because taking notes would
mean I had to take my eyes off of the pimp. Thank God I had good teachers in
public school who made me practice memory exercises.
He doesn’t have a
book to read. Why doesn’t he have a book to read? Doesn’t he know about Iceberg
Slim? With nothing to occupy him, he immediately begins to engage us, one by
one, in snippets of pimp conversation. First, the lady sitting next to
him.
“Hello, my fine Nubian Princess. How are you today?”
No response.
“My brutha, my brutha….how you
doin? You wanna buy some gold?
Nothing.
"Yo…business man. How you doin’? You need a
date tonight?"
Crickets.
When it becomes clear that no one will talk to him, he begins the
plaintive wail of the rejected Pimp on the Bus.
“Why you got to make a
pimp’s job so hard? The pimp’s job is hard! Why you got to make it so
hard?
Still, nothing from the
crowd, except a few stifled snickers. Again, I furtively check in with my
fellow passengers, and notice that each one, while pretending to read, is
equally as transfixed with the pimp, and equally as unwilling to engage him in
any sort of meaningful conversation. We are trapped together in “Weird
Experience” land, and we can’t get out until The Pimp reaches his stop, which
apparently is way up past the Haight.
The pimp now sets his
sights on a student on his left, a young kid who is holding a backpack and
keeping his eyes trained to the front. The Pimp cannot leave him alone. The
Pimp does not know when to leave it alone. Maybe this is why he became a pimp.
“You go to college?” he says to the kid, at full pimp volume. The kid
looks like someone’s stolen his lunch money.
“Um….yeah.”
The Pimp turns to address the bus riding masses.
“Does anyone want to give some money to help my fine Jewish brother go to
college? He’d really appreciate the kindness.”
College Guy wants no part of this opportunistic benevolence. Whether or
not it’s his stop, we will never know. College Guy immediately picks up his
backpack and exits the bus. Clearly, he would rather quit school than be
beholden to a pimp.
Now we’re hooked. We’ve come around. We all
hold our breath. What will he do next? We’re pimping him now, willing him to
do some other crazy thing to entertain us. We might even be willing to pay
him.
Suddenly, he decides that he’s done with us.
Apruptly, he stands up (in between stops, of course), announcing
authoritatively:
"My name is Pimp Daddy Bones, and I’m gettin’
off this bus." Ya’ll making the pimp’s job hard. Mmmmm hmmmmmm……
Even the bus driver is playing now. He pulls
over, making a special stop so the Pimp can get off. As soon as he shuffles
away, we cease to be a collective captive audience, and go back to being
anonymous. He’s not even down the street, and already I miss him.
Later,
I tell this story hundreds of times–at dinner parties, business meetings, even
comedy clubs. Eventually I discover that there’s something I admire about that
crazy pimp, and that I’ve learned some profound stuff from that experience. I
will share my insights with you now. Take them for what they are. Or just take
the pimp story and tell it at a dinner party.
Lessons I Learned From Pimp Daddy
Bones.
1. You can’t win it
if you’re not in it. Don’t be afraid to ask for a seat on a crowded bus.
You never know–someone might just get up.
2. Be friendly toward your
fellow man, even if he gets embarrased and leaves.
3. Be
persistent–eventutally, someone will want your gold, or your
women.
4. Be environmentally conscious. Even if the world
expects you to drive a big ol’ Cadillac with low ride suspension and gold rims,
go with your beliefs and take public transport.
5. Be true to
yourself, even if the full expression of that self involves a big floppy hat
and a gold tooth.
If anyone sees Pimp Daddy Bones
in San Francisco, tell him I said thanks. Tell him to go on with his bad
philosophical pimp self. Tell him next time, I will give up my
seat.