Celebrity Smug

Top Ten Most Smug Celebrities

I started this list after seeing this photo of Elizabeth
Hasselbeck that made me, for some reason, want to punch her in the face. It’s not that I’m usually the violent type—it’s just something about that woman that makes me want to
hit. I added her to my list of “the
world’s most smug celebrities”—a list I will share with you now.

By smug, of course, I mean that these are the people who do NOT seem down to
earth, like they’d be your friend if they weren’t a famous person. These are the people who, if you ran into
them, would seriously be like “Hi—I’m better than you.” I think this kind of attitude is very wrong,
since basically these guys just have a job that pays a little more than yours
and is a little bit higher exposure. And
while I get the whole “need for security against the paparazzi” and “want to
have their own private lives” thing, I think there is a way to handle this, and
I don’t think it has to do with telling people what to do, and smiling like you’re
better than everyone.  Over the weekend, someone mentioned adding Al
Gore to this list because of that way he has of talking, like he’s
condescending to you, but I don’t find that to be true about him—and hey, he
did just win the Nobel Prize, so maybe he knows something.

Top Ten Smug Celebrities

# 1 & # 2 Michael
Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Just…..so…..smug. Everything about them says “we’re better
than you! We’re rich and you’re not!” Sarah Vowell had this great quote in one of
her essays about how it would never even occur to Michael Douglas even play a
poor person in a movie. Both of them
seem like they’ve had a huge amount of plastic surgery, but they’re going to
insist that they just look that good. Also, I completely believe the rumor that she’s at least 10 years older
than she admits to being. Just….come on.

 

# 3 Elizabeth
Hasselbeck. Not only is she a
Republican, she’s like a housewife from the 1950’s. She was on Survivor for five minutes, then
got married to a football player, immediately changed her name, and soon will
have two little kids—and she’s not even thirty. This look on her face says it all—“I have everything figured out. My values are in place. It’s what women are SUPPOSED to do…..I’m better than you.” Women like this set the women’s movement
back. 

# 4 Anne Coulter. She’s probably doing this whole “I’m a
flaming conservative” thing on purpose, and probably the best way for me to
make her go away is to just ignore her. But…she bugs me. She says
inflammatory stuff just so she’ll get press, and this is the opposite of making
the world a better place. She just has
this look on her face like she’s about to tell you how wrong and stupid you
are, and that pisses me off.  I can’t put up her picture, because….I just can’t. 

# 5 Tom Cruise. I
hate to put him on this list, because a) Katie Holmes is my best friend, and b)
I really liked him in Jerry Maguire, but Tom Cruise really thinks he knows how
to live your life better than you do. The whole anti-depressant thing really turned me off—like, why is this
his business? Actually, I think it’s
just that he’s so vocal about Scientology now. I really feel like religion should be your own private business, even if
it’s really helped you live your own life better. Good for you, but the minute
you go trying to tell other people what to do, then you’re on the smug list. I will say, though, that he and Katie Holmes
(my best friend) seem like they have a very nice relationship, and that Suri
Cruise is just precious and seems like a well-raised child. See? I
can say nice things about smug people.

# 6 Simon
Cowell. Again, I think he’s doing this
on purpose, as a brand, but sometimes he seems to enjoy insulting those kids on
American Idol a little too much. When I
see clips of him on “The Soup,” I just find myself wanting someone to give him
Rohypnol, take him to a casino, and make him bet his entire fortune on unlucky
hands of blackjack, just so he’ll be humbled and have to work his way back up.  I really respect him as a businessman and entrepreneur– I just think he goes a little too far with the "mean guy" persona. 

# 7 Martha
Stewart. She used to be # 1 until she
went to jail and knitted that poncho, then I decided to give her a break. But, to this day, she seems like she would
come into your house that you just cleaned, look around slowly, and just
sigh.  Her demeanor says to me “Oh—do you not know
how to make a crisp onion tartlet and put it on a plate garnished with a
gingham napkin and a sprig of paprika that you grew yourself?  Then you might as well kill yourself. And that’s a good thing.”

# 8 George Bush. I didn’t want this list to be all about
this, but just….my God. This guy has
seriously never been to a grocery store or pumped his own gas, but he puts on
this “aw shucks good ol’ boy façade,” and it totally fools everyone. He’s a rich kid frat boy who has always been
able to do whatever he wants, and now he’s doing just that, on a larger scale,
with real people’s lives. Get it
straight—he doesn’t care about you, or your kids, or maybe anything. He’s just a schoolyard bully who thinks he’s
better than you, and can do whatever he wants. And for some reason, the American public has agreed with him for eight
years. Yikes. That little grin on his face means he knows
what’s best for you, so just keep goin’ to work, and doin’ his biddin’ for him,
ya hear? Guess what? He hates you.  No picture on this one.  No no no!

# 9 Donald
Trump. Does it on purpose, so you kind
of have to respect it because it’s part of his brand. But….did you ever see this picture of him with
his supermodel wife, holding one of his kids? He totally looks like “yeah—that’s right. I have money and you don’t. Suck it.”

# 10 Jennifer Lopez. She is bugging me less now that she married
Marc Anthony, who she clearly must love, because while he’s got a killer voice,
he looks like the Cryptkeeper. Still,
the whole “stonewalling the press about your obvious pregnancy” thing is just
ridiculous to me. Jennifer Lopez worked
her way all the way up the celebrity ladder with mediocre singing, dancing, and
acting abilities, on the sheer force of an ambition so naked, early photos of
her practically scream “I’ll do anything for fame!” Now she gets there, and she’s all about her
privacy. Respect her privacy! She wants privacy now! Don’t ask about her baby! You’re insulting her! I get celebrities who want to just have their
baby in private, so they just stay out of the spotlight for a year or so (Jodie
Foster, etc). But….to be giving a ton of
press for your concert and new album, so to essentially put yourself out there
for public consumption, then to be a complete bitch to everyone who asks about
your totally obvious condition? Smug. Smugly. “Buy my shit, but I don’t want to tell you anything about myself” smug.

# 11 Barbra Streisand.  She should be further up on the list because of her insane smugitude, but I’d already numbered the entries, she’s down here.  I have a good friend who is a Streisand fanatic, and even SHE was turned off by Babs’ condescending political rant during her shows, which my friend paid, like $500 each for tickets to see.  Apparently the rant was rehearsed, right down to when Babs sat down on her little chair and spoke about what’s wrong with the government.  As Stephan says "Barbra Streisand makes me ashamed to be a liberal."

# 12 Alex Trebec.  Ashley put this one in, and I have to agree. Trebec is just SO condescending when the people on Jeopardy! get the answers wrong, you want to shake him and go "YOU HAVE THE ANSWERS ON NOTECARDS, YOU BASTARD."  It also bugs me when he overpronounces the French words in the answers so that you’ll know he’s French-Canadian.

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