Cellphone Conversations Overheard in Line at My Post Office, Causing Postal Workers to Put Up a Sign Reading “No Cellphones at the Counter”

…Hello?

….Again?

…Fuck!

….“You tell him that it doesn’t matter if he smokes it or chews it or snorts it, it’s still going to kill him.”

…..Well, this time tell him not to call me until pretrial.

2

 

…What up?

….Yeah?

….Dude, tell him to chill.

…Why can’t he be more chill?

…I’m just saying, if he was a little more chill, he could just kick back and chill.

…That’s what I’m saying.

….Hello?

…You’re breaking up, man.

….I’m at the post office, bra.

….Mailing some shit.

….Hello?

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3

 

………..Hello?

………..Oh, hey Bob. How’s it going?

………..What?

………..Your colon?

…………That’s terrible.

…………Polyps?

…………Gross.

…………Well….what are they going to do?

………….Oh my God….I’m so sorry. Oh….Bob, I’m getting call waiting….can you hold ………….?

………….Hello?

…………..Yeah, I’m just on the line with Bob. Something’s wrong with his …………..colon.

………….Yeah, I know.

………….Polyps. ………….I don’t know….some surgery.

………….I know!

………….at the post office. ………….oh yeah? Me too! We should meet up later.

………..….hey, it’s almost my turn. Can I call you right back?

4

 

 

…..Hello, this is Jane, with the District Attorney’s office. I’m calling about the case of Victor Dashenko.

…..Yes.

…..Yes, aggravated assault.

….Yes, one prior offense.

…..Yes, but he’s an illegal alien, and I’m pretty sure this is going to stop his request for asylum.

…..Yes, he was tortured in his home country. Doesn’t that get him any leniency? ….Yes, with a hot poker.

….On his testicles.

…. Case number 9145063.

…..Can you not hear me? I’m at the Post Office. Case # 9145063.