Step Away From the Newborn
Jennifer Lopez is on the cover of People Magazine this week with her brand-new twin babies, and in case you haven’t run right out to the newsstand for a closer look, I’ll just clear up the mystery for you: they look like NEWBORNS, okay?
I’m not going to try to incur your wrath by saying that all newborn babies look the same to me, but….come on. They kind of do, right? So squashed and translucent and teeny, you almost can’t look at them head-on. I mean, there is a newborn baby photo of me somewhere in one of my storage boxes, and it’s HIDEOUS. My head is pointed, and I am about seven pounds of pissed-off, red faced, red haired baby. Thank God that photo’s not on a magazine cover, is all I’m saying.
This leads me to wonder– what is with this trend, this obsession almost, with seeing the BRAND NEW (like seriously– BRAND NEW) babies of celebrities? Don’t we all agree that they’re much cuter later on, after a waiting period during which they get some hair and their heads get a little more formed? I mean, I’m as much of a celebrity gossip lover as the next guy, but even I have to draw the line at covers like these, each of which made me scream OUT LOUD when I saw it on the newsstand:
Oh my GOD! Put those babies back in! They’re not done yet!
Or this cover. I’m sure this kid is older now and cuter, but how pissed would you
be if your supermodel mom put you on the cover of a magazine when you
still looked all smashy like this? Eeeek!
Maybe the real problem with these covers is the pressure the women are obviously feeling to show the world they’re "normal" again, very soon after having their babies, and that’s another issue altogether. I’m just surprised that anyone would agree to do this, even for $5 million or whatever they’re getting paid these days. It’s just weird to me that after avoiding the paparazzi for nine months while they’re pregnant, they’d then want to take their days-old babies to the photographers’ studios.
I never thought I’d say this, but I’m going to have to go with Tom Cruise on this one. Remember when he and and my best friend Katie Holmes never showed any pictures of their baby Suri, then finally came out with that Vanity Fair spread? Who knows what she looked like at first– all we know is, now she’s cute, and we didn’t have to see her all teeny like that.
All I’m saying is, let them fully form before we see them, okay? We can wait.