Hey, were you excited when you heard that Dallas was coming back? I kind of was, although as it turns out, I'm a little more cynical now than when I was 8 and it was on the first time and my mom would let me stay up late and watch it with her and I totally wanted to be a mogul like J.R. Ewing. Last week I watched the new Dallas pilot while I was on the treadmill, and I ended up wanting to make so many snarky notes, I had to get OFF the treadmill, re-start the show, and create what has become a scene-by-scene guide to the pilot, complete with a drinking game for every time someone mentions Miss Ellie, because I'm pretty sure the writers of this version are trying to tell us that we must never, ever forget that the patriarchal structure of Dallas was built by a MATRIARCH, dammit! Don't forget Miss Ellie, y'all!
I want to make sure we get this game all laid out before the next episode, so I'll just go through my notes with you now, ok? Oh, and by the way, this post is basically just all spoilers, so don't even bother if you still have it DVR-ed and you want to be surprised. Don't say I didn't warnyou.
Here we go. The new Dallas opens on Jordana Brewster, looking like a young (ish) Demi Moore, drilling for oil (which I will now spell AWLL, because that's how they say it in Dallas), then striking AWLL, then celebrating with "John Ross," who we're assuming is the young J R. They are supposed to be the "new generation" of Dallas, so we think they're in their twenties, although I'm guessing Jordana Brewster is more like 35, because she seems to be frozen by Botox and looks like she's extremely hungry, if you know what I mean. By the way, in case you're curious, Jesse Metcalfe is famous for being shirtless on Desperate Housewives. They strike AWLL, and they're celebrating "finally bring able to drill on Southfork."
Hold up–wait, really, no one's ever drilled on Southfork? I feel like the whole show in the eighties was them fighting over AWLL money. I may have to get the box set of the old seasons, or at least get my best Wikipedia-fu going so I can figure out what they were actually fighting over.
Next scene– Bobby (Patrick Duffy from the original cast) is at the doctor's office. He has cancer that he wants to keep secret , because that always works out really well. Is now a good time to say that Patrick Duffy's still got it? In case you're wondering, yes, Patrick Duffy was the Jesse Metcalfe of the eighties.
Next scene– J.R. now suffers from clinical depression and a clinical inability to trim his eyebrows. Ooooh, snap– karmic credit plan in action! He also got shot and many other shenanigans.
Note– how excited were we to hear that "Dallas" theme music? Thank you TNT for keeping it the same.
Noteworthy– Bobby is apparently now married to Brenda Strong, who you'll remember as the Desperate Housewife who committed suicide and then narrated the whole series. Does this mean that Victoria Principal is otherwise engaged? I'm pretty bummed about this. I'm guessing they didn't make her a good enough deal to take her away from selling the Principal Secret, because Victoria Principal is one of those eighties actresses who is now a multimillioniare business mogul like Suzanne Somers (laugh it up, she could buy your city). Anyhow, it's good to see Brenda Strong actually acting on-camera rather than just narrating and appearing occassionally in a flashback.
Minute 18:00– First Miss Ellie reference. Drink! Barbara Bel Geddes died in 2005, in case you're curious. Miss Ellie was holding that place together, and without her it has descended into frakking chaos. You know it's true.
19:25– Miss Ellie! drink!
20:00– Christopher is not a real Ewing? Again, perhaps a trip through the Dallas box set is in order.
21:00– Bobby discusses a land conservancy with someone from California who is apparently named Mr. Booby. Has having cancer turned Bobby into a hippie and stripped him of his sense of irony? Also, drink! Miss Ellie!
23:00– Drink! Miss Ellie! x 3
Side note: Christopher is harvesting methane, and methane is also what farts are made from. There, I said it. Also, apparently harvesting methane causes earthquakes in China. Is that a real thing?
28:00: Drink! My grandma! My grandma is Miss Ellie!
29:00: Drink! Miss Ellie!!
Side note: Thorazine be damned! Bobby selling Southfork to turn it into a park is just enough hippie talk to snap J.R. out of his clinical depression. You will have to pry that AWLL out of his cold, dead hands! Maybe now we can talk about those eyebrows.
29:51: Drink! My mama!
39:00– I love it how people on TV shows can't Google, so they use search engines called "WebtimeSearch.".
41:00: Bobby is taking a helicopter ride with Marta from Arrested Development who is totally hoping to buy Southfork and turn it into Bug Sur. Drink x 3, with a double for "no lady was ever more competent than my mama."
42:00: Charlene Tilton! Omg!! Is now a good time to say that Charlene Tilton should have worn sunscreen and laid off the Cheetos? Oh! Harsh!
44:00 Speaking of time passing, Linda Gray looks amazing. Does she know the Principal Secret? If you're new to Dallas, yes….that is just….the way she talks.
49:00: Apparently Christopher and the Cook's daughter were the victim of a Romeo and Juliet type breakup hoax on their wedding day. She still needs to let that Botox relax.
51:00: Hey, is that Big & Rich in the group of wedding guests?
Side note: they keep saying "methane" and I keep thinking "farts.". Will this go away?
53:00 Yes, that is Adele's "turning tables" in case you're curious.
55:00 Drink! My mama!
Also, in case you're curious, J.R. is famous for lines like "AWLL is my birthright, son! " this trait is now being passed on to his son, with one liners like " the fun is just beginning."