OK, we live-blogged the show last night, plus I watched part of it online again today just to make sure I caught everything (go and do that now, if you missed it!). Here were our major take-aways:
1. America wants its Academy Awards more kiss-assy. Stephan and I thought Seth MacFarlane did an
amazing job of hosting and sending up the Hollywood Elite. Did all of his jokes land? No, but it seemed like a fairly large ratio
of his material got laughs. His opening
number was (we thought) one of the best in years, featured real showmanship
(singing and dancing) instead of just Billy Crystal dressing up as all the lead
characters, and had some seriously witty stuff in it.
And yet, social media was ablaze, both last night and this
morning, with “Bring back Billy Crystal!” pleas and people crying about how
MacFarlane's performance was everything from “sexist” to “vulgar” and everything
in between. Look, I’m a woman, and I
thought that “We Saw Your Boobs” song was totally funny. Get over it, America. Oh, and also? Do not forget that Hollywood people don’t
care about you, people suck up to them all day, every day, and if the only
price they have to pay for this life of incredible privilege is for someone to
make jokes about them once a year while they are wearing $4,000,000 worth of
diamonds, then that is not so rough.
Let me put it another way– if Nicole Kidman saw you
bleeding in the street, she would step right over you if it meant furthering
her career. And by “saw you bleeding in
the street,” of course, I mean “got the chance to marry Tom Cruise.” I guess my overall point is this—those people
are not connected to reality in any way, and they don’t need you to advocate
for them. They are doing just fine.
2. Quentin Tarantino is allowed to use the N-word,
but no one else is, and no one can even call him on it.
Here’s the deal: Quentin Tarantino loves to use the N-word,
and this has always really bugged me. I
think he’s doing it because he’s trying to repeat it so much it no longer has
cultural currency (at least this would be my philosophical take on it), and
yet, to me it just sounds like he’s doing it because he likes saying it, like
it makes him feel like a bad boy, and sometimes I think it doesn’t even add to
what he’s writing, but he insists on doing it anyway. I like his work, but this, along with the
fact that he continues to tell the very same “hero’s revenge” story over and
over again, makes me respect him a little less.
And yet—Seth MacFarlane makes a joke
comparing Tarantino’s script for Django Unchained (where he used the word 110
TIMES) to a transcript of Mel Gibson’s voicemail, and—- nothing. A smattering of laughter maybe. So, don’t compare Tarantino to Mel Gibson,
because clearly he’s not THAT racist, right?
Then, Tarantino gets an Oscar (and good for
him!), does his acceptance speech, and I make a joke that I’m shocked he could
get through the whole thing without using the N-word, since he clearly loves it
so much.
And what happens? People start Tweeting ME about being racist
and how we should “watch what we say.”
Like—WHAT? I’m saying, HE SHOULD
WATCH WHAT HE SAYS. He uses that word
too much, but apparently I need to watch my mouth. Fantastic.
3. Samuel L. Jackson
is not amused. Look at his face when Seth MacFarlane makes
jokes, people. This face recurs when Samuel
L Jackson is asked to do presentations as well, which leads me to ask– Why do people keeping asking Samuel L Jackson
to make appearances? This never goes
well.
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4. Daniel Day Lewis’ appearance should be treated
as something of a “Groundhog Day” for male actors. Meaning this:
Daniel Day Lewis is not just an actor:
he is a cosmic event (at least as far as the Academy is concerned). If you are an actor and you have any choice
in the matter, please just go ahead and pass on any opportunity to make a film
where you are the lead, if that film is going to come out opposite a film
starring Daniel Day Lewis. Because,
guess what? Even if you happen to be
Alan Arkin, it is not even a contest when DDL enters the room. That is how much the Academy loves him. Note, haters: I'm not saying he's not a great actor. I'm just saying, it is insane to try to compete against him.5. Kristen Stewart lacks common sense. So—Kristen Stewart limped, was bruised, and
seemed completely disheveled and out of it, both during her presentation and in
the audience. What the….?
Here’s the thing—Kristen Stewart is known for
being grouchy and reclusive, BUT (and this is key)—she’s not nominated for
anything and has nothing to promote at the moment, so—SHE DIDN’T HAVE TO BE
THERE. Also (this will make you
gag)—Kristen Stewart was the highest-paid actress of 2012 (she made $34 million
starring in those Twilight movies), so she doesn’t even need to keep up
appearances. What…..the…..hell?
6. Regarding Anne Hathaway—ok Hollywood, you’ve done
this to yourselves. You have now crowned this generation’s Liza
Minelli, despite everyone in the world telling you on social media how annoying
and overwrought she is, and how much we don’t like her. Don’t
come crying to us, Hollywood, when you come around to our point of view
and realize that she is SUPER ANNOYING.
WE TOLD YOU SO, HOLLYWOOD. You
will never get rid of her now.
7. Let me get this straight– I'm guessing here, but I believe the reason that Catherine Zeta-Jones got to perform her ENTIRE "Chicago" number (which she clearly lip-synched) complete with Fosse-fingers and dance emsemble while Jennifer Hudson's live, barn-burning performance of "And I Am Telling You….You're Gonna Love Me" was cut down was because CZJ has more Hollywood clout and is married to Michael Douglas. There could be no other reason for this ridiculousness. Please see point # 1 about how Hollywood doesn't need any further ass-kissing from you.
8. Lots and lots of long-haired dudes. Um….did someone put out a Dan Fogelberg memo? I seriously counted four Academy Award winners with weird long hair. Is long hair on guys coming back? I would like to be the first to say– that does not look good, and everyone on your production team has been lying to you because they want parts. CUT THAT HAIR!
9. The orchestra is now located in a whole different building?! I will have to investigate more and let you know if this is a new thing or just something that's always been around, but that we've never noticed.