First of all, global disclaimer, I watch The Hills for work, so get off my
back. Once you get past the fact that
the whole thing is staged, it’s actually a very entertaining philosophical
study, if you must know the truth. Basically there’s the
super-pretty girl (Kristin) who is cool and doesn’t have to try, and everyone
else who wants to be just like her and are trying to do so with varying levels
of success and desperation, like a big sociological triangle
with Kristin at the top. Of course, this
hierarchy is only temporary, until Kristin gets old, and then she’s going right
down into the plastic surgery abyss with Melanie Griffin and Donna Mills and all
those other ladies from Dynasty. That
is another conversation, though, and this is Kristin’s big moment, so we’ll let
her have it and envy her like we envied the head cheerleader in high
school. In my high school her name was Natasha.
First up on the new season of The Hills: the
unveiling of Heidi’s new face. The whole
first scene with Heidi and Spencer is shot so we can only hear her voice but can't see her,
and finally, her first line of the new season that we actually see her say is: “Mom, you act like I have a whole new
face.” I would laugh, only I am kind of
scared of her new face, and most especially the desperation that motivated
it. Then her mom is upset, and she’s
hysterical because she’s been through so much (elective) pain and her mom doesn’t
understand, and that right there is a terribly sad commentary on a girl who was
cute enough, and went to Los Angeles, and absorbed the truly awful “you’re not
good enough” vibe there until she felt compelled to have eleven surgeries to
make herself look like a human Barbie—and STILL she’s not as pretty as
Kristin.
Next: staged flirtation
between Audrina and Brody causes Kristin to stay out drinking all night, thus
starting what is to be a “Kristin parties too hard” storyline. Yawn.
Cut back to Heidi’s family reunion, where her stepdad gives
her a hard time about looking too plastic, and her mother brings up the very
poignant question: “If living where you
live is causing you to be this why, maybe you shouldn’t be living there.” Unfazed by this, Heidi attempts
unsuccessfully to chew her hamburger and refuses to further have this
conversation. Here is a clip of that lovely moment.
Meanwhile in Florida, Kristin is drinking and drinking like she's 23 years old in Miami, and the other girls are worried that she’s doing drugs until 8 in the
morning, but really I think they’re just jealous that she stays out all night
and still looks better than they do, right?
This goes double for Stephanie Pratt, who has now had two DUIs and has
to go to rehab, and for this reason only is not drinking on camera with her
friends. Now the girls are whispering about Kristin
because she’s hung over from partying in Miami, and they are wondering about
her “accountability,” because she’s skinny and wears dark glasses and stays out
all night and looks good when she wakes up. Isn't that why we're all mad at her, really?
Closing shot: Heidi
is going home and her parents wish she’d call more, which she will if she
doesn’t end up getting plastic surgery on her larynx. Kristin almost misses the plane home to LA
but makes it on at the last minute because she is understated and fabulous, and
always gets shotgun even if she doesn’t call it. Sorry, that’s the way of the queen bee—at
least for now.