Jobs I Would Not Want

I know, jobs are hard to come by, and we should all be grateful for the gainful employment that we have.  But for the record, here is a list of jobs I would never do, even if the money were outstanding. 

1.  Tow Yard Attendant.  Everyone you help is always mad, 100% of the time. This is why they make you work behind bullet proof glass.

2.  Correctional facility nurse.  Good….GOD.  The horror of your every day work situation.  These people are freaking saints, in my opinion.  "Nurse, I’ve got this sore," takes on a whole new meaning.

3.  Meter Maid.  You drive around in a little golf cart, ruining people’s days and probably racking up bad karma points to boot.  Oh, and if the person happens to be there, then you also get to fight with them.  This happens, say, 50 times a day. 

4.  Flight attendant.  Some people really love this job, and I’m glad, because I consider flying one of those unpleasant things I have to do in order to get to the things I really want to do.  Keep your free travel, I say.  Flying is scary.

5.  Roto-rooter person.  Yes, I knoew, they make really good money, and everyone always needs one of these, but I just wouldn’t want to be on call at 3 am to go unstop someone’s doo-doo filled toilet, ok?  I just wouldn’t.

6.  Monkey handler at the zoo. Again, some people love this job, so don’t email me if you’re from the National Association of Monkey Handlers.  But man, monkeys through poo when they get upset, which I bet they are all the time when they’re locked in a cage for twenty years with the same monkey friends.

7.  Professional food contest eater.  I actually think you have to be genetically predisposed for this one, with a huge stomach and a very relaxed esophagus.  There is just something so foul about eating 100 hot dogs in a row, I just don’t know how those guys do it.

8.  Personal assistant to someone like Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan.  Total golden handcuffs job– they have to pay you a lot of money to keep you quiet, but then you can’t share the secrets of the absolute, crazy insanity that is your job with the rest of the world.  Too bad, really. 

9.  ER Doctor.  I hate being startled.  Hate it.  And, like, being startled is all those people do, for twleve hours a day.  Drug overdose!  Shooting!  Stabbing!  Broken leg!  Everything with this job is a big fat exclamation point, all the time, and I don’t think my nerves could take it, even for one day.  I’d be like "eight years of school…that’s fine.  I quit."

And speaking of nerves, I must include as last but not least the job of psychiatrist, a job I thought I actually might want for one desperate six month period in the eleventh grade, until a career counselor (sort of an amateur psychiatrist, perhaps) informed me that psychiatrists have the highest rate of suicide of anyone else in the medical profession.  And why wouldn’t they, come to think of it?  They have to sit and talk to depressed people all day.  Crazy!  Depressed!  Anxious!  It’s got to be hard to feel like you’re making any progress at all when people come back year after year with the same problems.  That’s all I’m saying.

• Category: I Will For Sure Be Getting Complaints About This