I’m sure you know (from the snarky celebrity parody novel that I wrote) that I like to read celebrity gossip/ news magazines to decompress my brain at the end of the week. Recently though, I found myself not only making snarky comments in my head, but stopping to jot them down in case they might turn into something funny for Funny Strange, you know what I’m saying? Here were some of the things I wrote in my notebook this week.
–Linda Evangelista: you were one of my favorite supermodels in the 90s but as much as I would love to believe that wrinkle cream (and not Botox) created your smooth forehead, I’m sorry, I’m not buying it.
Stephanie Pratt: it is ridiculous that we care about this person. You know when you make a copy of a copy of a copy and then you can’t read the original? That is Stephanie Pratt. She might also be a cipher/ succubus, like if you stand too close to her she will steal your soul.
Teen Mom Amber Portwood’s weight loss: Why is it a good idea to give celebrity status to knocked-up teenagers? This is not providing a good example. Also, she’s 20 now and her daughter was born two years ago? Doesn’t that make her 18 and pregnant, which is not that scandalous? I’m just questioning MTV’s math.
Next: Carla Bruni is still making movies? Isn’t this sort of undignified for the wife of the president of France? Also, don’t you become an actress/ model/ singer so you can marry well and be set for life?
Next : are Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon having a contest to see who can have the most babies? Is this a holdover from their conflict in “The Departed?” If you’ll recall, Mark Wahlberg won that round, so expect at least five children before Matt Damon is finished.
Next: Lindsay Lohan. I know, I know jail rehab, good for her, blah blah blah, but why aren’t we talking about the more important issue of her freaky fish lips?
Next: I’m going to be the first to say this: clearly Khloe Kardashian was fathered by the (very tall) postman, because she is too tall to be biologically related to the rest of her family. Don’t even get me started on how inappropriate it is for her tween half-sisters to be modeling bikinis. Ugggggghhhhhh
Next: Chelsea Clinton. Okay she looks good, and I'm glad they straightened her hair and it’s nice that Bill Clinton is healthy but now he's looking a little too thin and a little bit frail, am I wrong about this?
Next: I'm giving Christina Aguilera a pass because her last album bombed, but let’s just agree that her son looks exactly like her husband and leave it at that.
Next: Bachelorette Trista, go away you’re a fireman's wife now. No one cares about you in a bikini or that your kid does Boy Scouts or whatever.
Next: Someone needs to shoot Brooke Burke with a Depo Provera blow dart gun.
Next: FERGIE, the original butter face. I once didn’t buy a pair of shoes because her name was on them. Dislike!
Next: I'm calling bull**t on Halle Berry eating Doritos. She eats Doritos about as much the Fergie is 32 years old.
Whew! Now I feel better.
