Nice set, low balls….

<p>Re: nice set….low balls</p>

I'm not even sure how to summarize this particular topic without it sounding totally weird, but I think it's worth it, because it turned out to be pretty funny.  So, the other day Stephan and I got into this discussion about the difference between men's locker rooms and women's locker rooms at the gym, and this basically started with me saying how in women's locker rooms, usually the women are like, changing and getting out of there, because no one really enjoys walking around naked (as you can imagine, he was very disappointed to hear this). [SC ed. Note—you have effectively dashed YEARS of pubescent fantasies.]

Oh, but maybe I should mention that Stephan really loves his gym, and that he goes there pretty much every day, and so he is very familiar with the clientele and inner workings of the L.A. Sports Club.  Perhaps that will make this whole narrative sound less….gay. [SC ed. note: I’m very comfortable in my sexuality—bring it on, girlfriend]

Apparently, guys (especially old guys) like to walk around the locker room nude, or partially nude, or in various stages of undress. Did you know this? I did not. I find it extremely disturbing that this is, like, an accepted part of gym subculture that I knew nothing about. So, like when I go to the gym, there is a whole room full of semi-nude old guys just hanging out somewhere, and that I could accidentally walk through the wrong door and see them. Are you feeling this discussion so far? It's weird, right?

According to Stephan, there are a number of guys and types who hang out in the locker room at his gym. Some are so distinctive that even when Stephan sees them upstairs in their workout clothes, he is pathologically unable to separate them from their locker room personae, and he subsequently gives them nicknames to match. [And Stephan will take over the narrative here, as my wife has become uncomfortable with the subject matter, and really, who can blame her? Meet the cast:

— Middle-aged Guy in a T-Shirt with NO PANTS OR UNDERWEAR. This guy just stands around, in front of the full length mirror, blow-drying his hair, or worse, just hanging out, talking sports with some poor other guy whose only thought is, obviously, Why don’t you PUT ON SOME F*CKING PANTS? Does this fella not have a wife? Or any discernable dignity?

— Guy Who Shaves Everything. Thankfully, he’s not like the guy at my last gym, whom I caught shaving his junk over the sink(!). I was like, Dude, people brush their teeth there. For this very reason, I quit my last gym.

— Guy with a Seriously Imbalanced Sack: When I see him upstairs, I mentally call him “Low Ball.”

— Extremely Old Guy with No Penis: I have never seen this guy upstairs in the workout room. As far as I know, he just geezes around nude in the locker room, silently freaking out the clientele with a pair of giant balls that seems to have taken over his penis, which has disappeared entirely. The man HAS. NO. PENIS. And it DOESN’T SEEM TO BOTHER HIM. At all. I now extend a heartfelt apology to Funny Strange’s more sensitive readers. But if you made it this far, then hey, caveat emptor…

— Guy Whose Junk Points Seriously to the Left. I call him (what else?) “Herb.”

— Doughy Guy with Obscenely Giant Dong. Never wears a towel. And really, would you? I wouldn’t. Let your freak flag fly. Honestly, I’m not even sure why this guy feels the need to work out.

— Dork Ring. I’ll let you sort that one out for yourself.

And the question that certainly on everyone’s mind? In this group of characters, I have named myself: “Joe Average.”

I vented to Lori one afternoon about all the various dudes in the locker room at my gym, and she laughingly insisted I write it down. Which you have just read and have likely marginally enjoyed. I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress.

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