Hey, are you done with your Christmas shopping yet? If not, might I suggest any number of these totally hilarious gifts, which I ran across over the course of the past several weeks but didn't have the nerve to buy, mostly because I felt eco-guilty about how they'd probably get a laugh, then end up in a landfill somewhere. Actually, that's not true. The reason I didn't buy each and every one of these gifts was because I would have bought them for Stephan's cousin Josh, and I'd already gotten him a present, so I took these photos in an attempt to capture just some of the hilarity of what Christmas COULD have been for him, so he could laugh and still enjoy the box set of The Wire that he'll actually use. Because believe me, I would have found any one of these gifts to be totally appropriate, and was a little disappointed that I'd already checked him off my list so early. Hey–maybe you know someone who I can give one of these to? It's never too late!
I'll start with an item I found at Ross– pimp cups embossed with glitter. Yeah, hard to pass up, I know. Especially when you have your choice of "Hottie," "Gold Digga," and "Shorty," as well as matching a matching set you can get for a bride and groom. Because, I'm sure you'll agree, nothing says love and lifelong commitment like matching pimp cups.
Next, I'll have you know that the # 5 most ordered item on drugstore.com is none other than a gun that shoots marshmallows. That's right. A marshmallow gun. I'm pretty sure it's not for shooting them into someone's mouth, so I don't know how this makes you anything other than an annoying person who's making a mess. But, to each his own. Maybe America knows something I don't about how totally fun it is to shoot marshmallows at someone at a rather high velocity. Here's the link for that, in case you're all "finally– a gift for my brother," or some crazy thing like that.
No? OK, what about a 750 ml bottle of Hennessy? Yeah– that's two quarts of Hennessy, dude. In case you're wondering, that's probably all the cognac you're ever going to need, ever. That is, in case you're one of those guys on Intervention, in which case this extra-large Hennessy is going to be just the thing to make it so you only have to go to the liquor store once that day. Seriously, we're going to have to talk some more about that show. It is disturbing! Did you see the one about the guy who drank FOUR BOTTLES of Peppermint Scnapps per day? I kept waiting for him to die right in the middle of the epsiode. What about the girl who huffed 21 cans of that keyboard dusting gas per day? Yeah, good times. In case you want to watch some episodes of Intervention (and maybe get some more gift ideas, who knows? No judgment), here's a link for that.
This last one I didn't almost buy for Josh– I actually didn't almost buy it for my mother-in-law, whose tabletop CD changer we got her a few years ago broke, so we went looking for another one. I kid you not, when I said to the guy at Circuit City "I'm looking for a tabletop CD player for my mother in law," he led me over to the portable electronics and suggested this:
Like, where do I even start with this? First of all, what is it, 1984? Is she supposed to carry this giant, old-school stereo around on her shoulder, like she's Radio Rahim from the movie "Do the Right Thing?" Jesus H. Christ that is a huge stereo! Whose living room cabinet does this fit on? Has the Circuit City guy sold ALOT of these units to people's mothers in law, at the Circuit City in Santa Monica? I don't think so. Maybe this kind of suggesting is why Circuit City just filed for bankruptcy. I couldn't resist taking a picture of this stereo because of its massive hugeness and how funny I thought it would be in my in-laws house. Again, better left in a photo, don't you think? When I showed this photo to Stephan, he was all "I don't know– maybe with this stereo, a pimp cup, and that big bottle of Hennessy, Jan Cox could get her proper swerve on."
Last but not least, I was at the Santa Monica Promenade twice over the weekend, and at one point I noticed that the monkey/ organ grinder has gotten some new, pre-printed signs that he's keeping around his area. I got out my camera to photograph them, but then he looked like he was going to sic the monkey on me if I made fun of him, and I don't even want to talk about my irrational fear of monkey Ebola ever since I read the Hot Zone, so I'm going to just have to describe it to you and hope that will suffice.
Surrounding the monkey/ organ grinder guy are now a bunch of signs that read (this is verbatim):
QUARTERS
MONKEY SHAKES HANDS!
Again, I don't even know where to start. Is this a request? A threat, perhaps? Give him a quarter SO the monkey will shake your hand, or will the quarter keep the monkey away? The queer punctuation makes it hard to decipher the relationship between the monkey and the quarter, don't you think? Also, "Monkey Shakes Hands" sounds like the name of someone's band in junior college. Really? Someone printed these signs for the organ grinder guy, and never mentioned that this sign isn't really a sign for anything, since no one is going to really know what it means? That is just sad for the monkey man.
Bottom line, if you're down at the Promenade Christmas shopping, maybe you want to pick up a pimp cup, or a big stereo. Or maybe you could just give the organ grinder a break and pay a quarter or two to shake the monkey's hand.
