Benjamin Button, Grouchy Old Men, and McDonaldLand….

Stephan and I went to the movies on Thursday last week, a minor feat in and of itself because

a) we're so busy there's rarely an opportunity when we have a chunk of time that we don't have something due and are in the mood to schlep all the way out and sit in a theater without Facebook or our Blackberrys or phones for three hours, and

b) grouchy Old Man Cox only has certain times when he will even consider going to the movies, because he has HAD IT with people's bad behavior, and so we can really only go during week nights or maybe weekend days when the theater won't be crowded.

The second one is true and it sounds like I'm making fun, but really, I am totally on board with it.  I can't really stand people either, and being with a big crowd of them on a Friday or Saturday night while they yell and talk on the phone and smack their lips and slurp their sodas is just not my idea of a good time. Let me put it this way– I once got in an argument with someone because they were talking really loud during SCHINDLER'S LIST.  Yeah, if there was ever a good time to be quiet and kind of respect the moment, it's during that movie.  So, that's when I lost all my faith in humanity.  Or, maybe it was that time when we were seeing "Proof" on Broadway, and a woman answered her cellphone, then stayed on it and talked as she made her way from the middle of the theater, over everyone's legs, and out the side door, all the while going  "Yeah?  Well…..what did he say?  Yeah?  Really?"  over the actors who were acting at the time.  Since then I have been reluctant to pay big bucks for a Broadway ticket, since I'm 99% sure people can't hold themselves together for the 2 1/2 or 3 hours that they're going to have to be quiet.  So, I'm just saying, I understand.

But, last week!  Thursday night!   Benjamin Button!   It was a good combination because the movie has been out for awhile, so the theater wasn't likely to be crowded.  The only possible problem was that the movie started at 8:00 or so, and that didn't leave us very much time to eat before we went in to scope out the seats that were the farthest away from other people.   Did I mention that I want to live on the top of a hill, surrounded by unbuildable acreage?

Anyhow, the point of this story is that the only place that sounded good to both of us was McDonald's, so for the first time in about nine years, I had a McDonald's cheeseburger meal, and it was so delicious!!!  I totally understand the obesity epidemic in America.  McDonald's is SO GOOD!

While we were eating said McDonald's, we got into a discussion that I'm sure you will be able to hear in your head, regarding what, exactly, happened to all the rest of the McDonaldLand characters?  This came up because apparently they're not offering the cookies anymore, and we were speculating that this is because they've discontinued everyone but Ronald, which seems like a weird choice, because who wants to buy fast food from a clown?   We were trying to name all the McDonaldLand characters that we could remember, which led us to a spirited debate over whether Mayor McCheese was actually also the sheriff's constable of McDonaldLand, and also, were the Fry Guys made out of fries, or did they like to EAT the fries, and how exactly did that work?   Stephan also mentioned that on St. Patrick's Day, they would cross-dress Grimace (which, by the way, is a TERRIBLE name for a children's character– grimace is what you do when someone steps on your toe) as "Uncle O'Grimacey" and he would drink the Shamrock Shake, which by the way, my uncle invented.

Wow!  That was a long sentence.  Anyway, this tangential discussion led us to do some verification on Wikipedia because there were some characters we couldn't remember, which prompted me to get out my Blackberry and look it up.  That's when I found this, which has to be the most exhaustive chronicle I've ever seen of a series of now-discontinued, fictional characters:

Wikipedia:  McDonaldLand Characters

Wow.  I mean– wow!   I'm glad someone made this extensive entry, but also– I'm a little scared.  Who knew that Captain Crook (who, as I'm sure you'll recall now, kept himself busy by attempting to reel in Filet O'Fish sandwiches, in blatant defiance of the fact that he was a PIRATE, and was out to sea, where he could catch actual fish) had to be changed to "The Captain" because focus groups found him TOO SINISTER?

Who knew that Mayor McCheese went away because of a lawsuit filed by Sid & Marty Croft for ripping off H.R. Pufnstuf, that they actually WON?  Did you know that McDonald's paid them $1 million?  I did not.

And so, my friends, I will leave you to reading that entry, which kept us entertained right up to the start of the movie, and the whole way home with sentences like "Officer Big Mac was similar to Mayor McCheese in that he had a large Big Mac for a head, except he was the chief of police and as such he wore a constable uniform."

Wow. 

• Category: Truly Bizarre Things