The Search for The Bourne Identity

So, ok, I don’t know why, but I am like, the last person left on earth who hasn’t seen any of the Bourne Identity movies.  Not on cable, not on the airplane, not in the theater– just never had the opportunity or the inclination, I guess.   But then Steph got a job as one of the voices in the Bourne Identity video game, so we decided that we should probably see it.  Also, someone at William Morris mentioned to him that hey, those movies are actually really good, and were we going to go see the third one?    After which we were like, “we’d rather see the first two, THEN go see the third one.”  Because you know, we both have obsessive compulsive disorder, and when we agree on something like this, it gets really out of control.  So, now we don’t want to talk about the movie, don’t want to hear about it, have to see the first two.

Lo and behold, every single person in the greater Los Angeles area seems to have had the EXACT same idea at the same time, because now there is not a SINGLE copy of The Bourne Identity to be had in, seriously, a 50 mile radius.  I’ve called FOUR Blockbusters, including one way over by where we used to live when we first moved into town, and the guy (who we call “Crazy Michael” because he so obviously has bipolar disorder that is barely being kept in check by medication) actually said “No– and you’re not the only one who’s called to ask,” like I was daring to call for U2 tickets during The Joshua Tree era, if you know what I mean.    Then we called Vidiots, and they were like “Um…..no” in that way that only those guys at Vidiots can, when with one word they can make you regret not majoring in some totally obscure film subject and not knowing anything about Bergman films, whatever.

Then we went to Barnes & Noble.  Nope.  “Sold out,” said the saleswoman, not even bothering to hide a smirk.  “I can order it for you– be here in a couple of weeks,” she says.

A couple of WEEKS?  Oh no no.  Now we have to see this movie.  Next, Borders.  Three copies supposedly in stock, ZERO copies on the shelf.  The guy thinks someone STOLE them, which frankly, I would have done if I’d thought of it.   Do you not know that I’m a petty thief?  Well, here’s more on that.

Next stop:  Odyssey video.  Same story.  Two copies, zero on the shelf– it seems that some clever imp has HIDDEN the Bourne Identity DVDs so they can, oh I don’t know, come back later and squirrel them away?  Why is this movie so elusive?

Next stop:  Movies on Demand through our cable, where we discover that while you CAN see “Big Momma’s House” 24 hours a day, you definitely, definitively CANNOT see The Bourne Identity.  We watch Boogie Nights instead, and temporarily forget about our Bourne Identity jones.  Meanwhile, I go to add The Bourne Identity to my Blockbuster queue, and it has the incredible GALL to list the movie as “TEMPORARY WAIT.”

Next stop:  Blockbuster again, last night.

Me:  “Any copies of the Bourne Identity come in?”
Blockbuster guy:  “Nope.”
Me:  “Other stores?”
Blockbuster guy (laughing):  “Probably not.”

Then another, “used CD and DVD type store,” no luck.  I’m about ready to go over to Matt Damon’s house and borrow his screener copy, because this is freaking ridiculous.  It’s just a MOVIE.  I’m a member of the Screen Actors Guild Nominating Committee for films, and I can’t get my hands on a copy of a movie that came out five years ago?  Nice.

So– still haven’t seen the movie.  If anyone has a copy you’d like to lend, I’m all ears.

• Category: Truly Bizarre Things