I can’t believe I left out the most crucial moment of my story about the TV writer at the dog park last week– I think I got so focused on the true absurdity of the "you take twelve homeless guys" pitch that I forgot to stay with the real reason of why I actually left the park. Because really, this particular thing happens so much, and is absolutely the kind of thing you would want to see on my blog– humorous, a little tragic– you know: Funny Strange.
So, the real reason I left the park was because when I told bitter TV writer guy that my husband is a professional voiceover actor and had even been on Family Guy (I don’t know why I volunteered this information), he did the thing that some people do when they hear about a person who has a cool job– in this case, HE STARTED DOING CARTOON VOICES FOR ME, and he would. Not. Stop. In this particular case, he had a character he liked to call "Potty Mouth Baby" (I only wish I were making this up), and he kept saying cutsie stuff in this character’s voice, even after I told him that the cartoon world is REALLY hard to break into (my code for "I don’t like you, my husband is not going to like you, and it doesn’t matter anyway because you’re never going to meet him to ask him how to launch your cartoon career), and offered him absolutely no indication that I would be helping him. If I am more inclined and less busy in the future, I might actually record a demo of what the guy sounded like, but for now, please just imagine a grown man, in a high voice that sounds like a baby, going "This is my baby voice….the baby says F%^* you! Why do you say that, baby? Bad baby!"
In that moment, at least, there was nothing sadder or more annoying than hearing a grown man swear in a baby voice, so now I’ve dubbed him "Human Nails on Chalkboard Bitter TV Writer," so when I see him at the park again, I can steer clear of him. He kept up the horrible baby voice until I excused myself and left the park, which I did because killing him probably would have gotten me sentenced to jail time, and my cellmate probably would have been an angry lesbian inmate who really wanted to get into cartoons.
Let’s say this is not even close to the first time I’ve had this experience. It seems like half the new people you meet have always wanted to be on cartoons, which has never been my dream, but I totally understand. It IS a cool job. The thing is, people who are actually ON cartoons don’t really sit around in restaurants doing the voices all the time, because they have an outlet for it. With a few (very annoying) exceptions, it’s always the people who WANT to be on cartoons are the ones who can’t stop doing the voices. Recently we were at a block party, and when a random guy from the neighborhood heard what Stephan did for a living, he followed him around for almost an hour doing his whole cartoon repertoire, perhaps as an audition. When Stephan told his voiceover friends about Potty Mouth Baby guy, they all laughed, then shared similar stories of their own, including one who said a guy gave him a demo reel of himself going (in the appropriate voices, of course): "This is my tough guy voice!" "This is my gay guy voice!" "This is my baby voice!" Now, you kind of have to commend the guy for putting something together, but still…. "This is my tough guy voice!" is just undeniably funny, don’t you think? So, these are the types of people and situations I’m talking about.
My point with this is– if you meet someone who says they "do voices," or have "always wanted to get into cartoons," DO NOT encourage them. And please, for the LOVE OF GOD, do not tell them you know someone whose husband does voiceover for a living. I’m telling you this because I like you, and I don’t want you to get an earful of somebody’s best Bullwinkle impression (or an original character they call "Foul Mouthed Baby") for an hour over dinner.
See, my blog is now a public service, in addition to being your distraction from your workday. Also, in case you haven’t noticed it, I finally got one of those "subscribe via email" tools, so if (for some reason, and I can’t for the life of me imagine what that would be) you don’t have the TIME or inclination to check my blog on a daily basis, just sign up and have it sent right to you, you lazy hooligan.