The Groovy Schwartzman is back by popular demand! Now, with new additions, both to the "regular names" and "celebrity names" section….feel free to reply with more!
It starts with cupcakes. My friend being due to deliver her first child in three weeks, invites friends for drinks, presents, and Magnolia Bakery cupcakes festooned with "It’s a Boy!" lollipops. I go, hoping I’m not the one there who’s never changed a diaper. Gifts are opened. Oohing and aahing ensues. Things are wrapping up when the conversation turns, for some reason, to strange baby names. We were talking about the chosen name for the baby (Gus) when for almost no reason, I red-haired girl named Kim fired the first shot. "I once knew a girl named Honey Darling.. her sister was named Sweetie." One guy said he’d gone to school with a Donald Duckles. Having gone to school in California, I’m fairly confident that I can at least participate in this game on a meaningful level. In my high school alone, there was a girl named River Hudson, a girl named Nectar Rose, and a boy named Guy Wilde. The group is just catching its breath when a very tall girl next to me who hasn’t said anything the whole party says quiety "I’ve got a good one." We were intrigued. Could she top Donald Duckles? "In my high school there was this girl who lived on a commune when she was a kid…her best friend on the commune was name Groovy Nipples Schwartzman. Groovy Nipples Schwartzman. Groovy Nipples Schwartzman. Her brother’s name was (is) Freekus Polekus. Freekus Polekus Schwartzman. Ah, it’s like I’ve taken a bite of a dessert I didn’t even know existed. These names are so funny….they hurt. I’ve entered a fugue state for these names. This is officially the best baby shower ever. Perhaps it is best to quantify the impact of this revelatory name on my life by referring to the "before Groovy Nipples" and "after Groovy Nipples" time periods. The name is, quite simply, the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. Groovy Nipples is a crisp $100 bill I’ve just found in my wallet, and I cannot wait to share it with the world. My mind is racing. Groovy Nipples Schwartzman? What is this girl doing now? Is she a lawyer, called G.N. Schwartzman? What does she say when people ask what the initials stand for? Does she go by G. Nipples Schwartzman, Attorney at Law? Or, did she go to the other end of the spectrum and change her name to Lisa? What possible profession or life circumstance were her parents preparing her for with this name? The party is over, but I can’t stop thinking about Groovy Nipples. I call my husband, and he hangs up on me when he begins to laugh so hard he has to kneel down on the sidewalk to catch his breath. His calls his mother, then his best friend, who says he hopes Freekus Polekus kept his name and is a rabbi now. The Rabbi Freekus is now on my list. The next day, I tell someone at a business meeting, and they have to excuse themself to call his sister. The Groovy Schwartzman strikes again! It’s the most useful thing since the Swiss Army Knife! Equal parts ice breaker, party game, and sensibility litmus test. The Groovy Schwartzman slices! It dices! It makes very small ice cubes! I start telling people about the Groovy Schwartzman, just to see if they laugh. If they don’t, I seriously consider friend divorcing them. Months later, my father in law will yell in a restaurant, "If you don’t think Groovy Nipples is funny, I don’t just not like you. I HATE YOU. Groovy Nipples is funny! It’s funny!" But perhaps the greatest part of the Groovy Schwartzman is the panoply of names I’ve collected, just from people who want to play the game. Feel free to comment with your best ones!
1. Groovy Nipples Schwartzman
2. Freekus Polekus Schwartzman
3. Donald Duckles
4. Honey Darling
5. Sweetie Darling
6. River Hudson
7. Blueberry Pancake
8. Thankful Vander Star
9. Hopeful Vander Star
10. Browne Greene (father)
11. Blue Greene (daughter)
12. Violet Greene (daugher)
13. Guy Wilde
14. Jackson Fastaction
15. Gay Peoples
Celebrities also have alot of good ones….here are a few:
Bob Geldof’s kids:
1. Heavanly Hirani Tigerlily
2. Peaches Honeyblossom
3. Fifi Trixibelle
4. Pixie
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5. Moxie Crimefighter (daughter of Teller from Penn and Teller)
6. Audio Science (child of actress Shannyn Sossaman)
7. Banjo (son of actress Rachel Griffiths)
8. Moon Unit (daughter of the late Frank Zappa)
9. Dweezil (brother of above Moon Unit)
10. Speck (son of John "not Cougar anymore" Mellencamp)
11. Hud (other son of non-Cougar)
12. Rebel, Rocket, and Racer Rodriguez (three sons of director Robert Rodriguez)
This post has been so popular, I’m adding another category: names which aren’t weird, but are slightly unfortunate. These are all real.
1. Dr. Deth
2. Dr. Cocksburn (a urologist)
3. Jeff Noballs
4. Sharon Thys (pronounced THIGHS)
5. Brian Cram (see below)