OK, so, Stephan told me this morning that the artist
formerly known as Sean Combs is dating Kate Upton (which I’m sure has
absolutely everything to do with the fact that he loves her for her mind and
isn’t trying to stay relevant by dating a supermodel), and that they already
have a celebrity nickname, and that this name is (wait for it)….DiddyUp.
Excuse me, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit
just then. I think you’ll agree, the
whole “celebrity couple nicknaming” thing is a little out of control, and I
really feel like the media is forcing this silly nicknames because that’s what
they think the public wants, but the whole thing is becoming a farce and these
names are not organic and all of it sounds phony and weird.
Speaking of phony and weird, I refuse to learn even one more
of Sean Combs’ nicknames because honestly, I feel like you get one opportunity
to re-brand yourself, and after that, screw you for making people learn your
name multiple times. If you’ll recall, Sean Combs did not feel
comfortable with his name, which is fine, so he re-named himself “Puff Daddy,”
and went about the process of branding himself thusly. Because the whole process of your parents
giving you a name before they even know you is a little weird, I agree, one
nickname seems totally acceptable. In
fact, many people I know go by their nickname/ middle names, or have arrived at
a name more suitable to them once they were more fully formed as human beings. Fine, fine, re-name yourself, that’s fine. I even will call you by your “married name”
if that is what you choose (although please know that in my mind you will
always be filed under the name you had when I first met you, and I do not care
if you completely erase your “maiden name” on Facebook).
Sean Combs started to bug me when he went from Puffy/ Puff
Daddy to P. Diddy. I don’t know if you
remember, but he issued a press release, and insisted the media start calling
him this, and now he even admits that fans don’t know what to call him, and
he’s been sued by a guy in the U.K., so he is not allowed to be called “Diddy” or
any derivative there, so I’m actually curious how he is branding himself
there. I thought this was ridiculous and
still do, and then when he morphed this into “just Diddy,” I decided that from
now on, he will be known to be only as “Sean Combs,” because he has officially
used up his allocation of nicknames, and I think that forcing people to learn a
new name for him every few years is downright rude. Listen, I know, some people are into their
nicknames and like to re-brand themselves frequently, and to those people I
say: get over yourself. I’m busy.
If I took the time to learn your name and what you’re about once, don’t make
me do it again, especially when you’re not even culturally relevant
anymore. For that reason, I will be
referring to that person as Sean Combs, and I would encourage you to do the
same.
Here’s an example:
Ice-T. He was born Tracy Marrow,
a name which, I’m sure you’ll agree, does not suit him at all and has no street
cred. He changed his name to Ice-T, and
that’s been his name as a rapper, on Law & Order: SVU, in reality TV, and
everywhere else. He might have a few
variations of this name, but I don’t recall him ever issuing a press release
telling us what to call him.
I’m also talking to you, Snoop Lion, Metta World Peace, and
Chris Brown (who wants us to call him “Breezy,” when actually, I would like to
come up with a few other nicknames for Chris Brown. Also, what is the whole thing with the
weezy? No, you know what? Don’t tell me. I’m sure it will go away soon enough.
