Okay, I’m picking up my Les Miserables breakdown again. I know it seems long, but think of all the valuable time you’re saving by not actually having to see the movie. Actually, you could watch this trailer as well, and that would get you much closer to an understanding of the story and the tons of dirt makeup and very many, many extras it took to make this film.
In this installment of “Les Miserables, summarized,” I take a turn into extreme germaphobia and grossed-outedness when one of the scenes is set in a sewer that is much more sewer-y than I remember from the stage version, and I come to understand that they can spend big money making the sewer look realistic, but apparently being able to see Anne Hathaway’s blacked-out teeth is not an issue.
As you’ll recall, we were right in the middle of the June Uprising, during which everyone was singing and fighting (it really happened this way, you guys!).
— Gavroche (the kid from Oliver) is back with a report. I long for him to break into “Consider Yourself…At Home.” Seriously—why is he so Cockney British? Later it will become clear that he’s only there to provide upper-register harmonies and to serve as the Christ symbol when the gendarme kill him.
PS Did anyone ever notice that the music following the killing of Gavroche could pass for any number of songs from “Phantom?” Since Cameron Mackintosh is the producer of both of these musicals, I guess we’ll give this one a pass, but I did want to point out that if you think you’re hearing similarities, you are not insane. Also, now is probably a good time to mention that Cameron Mackintosh is the richest man on the face of the earth, and that he is probably sending someone to sniper me as we speak.
–Russell Crowe sing/ acts the line “Shoot me now or shoot me later…I renounce your people’s court.” This might be the funniest line in the entire musical.
— “French Revolution…..fire!” This line confuses me. Everyone knows this is not a story about the French Revolution, right? Even the people in the story know what year it is, I’m assuming. Is this reference historically accurate?
— Valjean/ La Mer pardons Javert. A bad idea for so many reasons, not least of which is the fact that this means more Russell Crowe singing. Why do I feel like there was a production meeting, and the producers were all “That Javert character is too one-dimensional. Let’s flesh him out—using Russell Crowe.” Actually, did you know that Paul Bettany was being considered for this role before Crowe? Paul Bettany would be that guy with the transparent eyelashes from “A Beautiful Mind,” otherwise known as “Jennifer Connelly’s husband.” No word on whether Paul Bettany can actually sing either, just a fun factoid.
–“Bring Him Home.” You know—I really have to hand it to Hugh Jackman. He must know that at least a small percentage of what he’s doing is extremely silly, but he is TOTAL COMMITMENT, this guy. He deserves a Golden Globe just for playing along, in my opinion.
–Singing, singing, fighting, fighting….. that Dramatic Arts degree is coming in very handy right now…. Also, the orchestration for the fight scene IS a song from Phantom, I’m sorry but it’s true.
— Half the cast falls into the sewer from the “Shawshank Redemption.” I can’t concentrate because I have a minor OCD/ germaphobia heart attack. OMG…. So….much….sewage. I have to cover my eyes like it’s a horror movie. All scenes that follow this one are, for me, tainted by the fact that the players are covered in raw sewage, are stinkier and germier than anyone has ever been, and need a Silkwood shower immediately, and it’s 1830’s France, so they are all going to be dead in five minutes because antibiotics are not invented until 1945. I believe the stage version suggests a sewer, but the film version is going all out with the sewage special effects, and it’s making me want to barf.
–Javert chooses to throw his gun in raw sewage. Good for him, I guess, but again, that’s raw sewage, and all I can think now is “Now some sad schmuck is going to going to fall into raw sewage ONTO A LOADED GUN, where he will die of a gunshot wound as well as dysentery.”
SPOILER ALERT—Javert has a crisis of faith and chooses to kill himself. I think it’s ironic that he survives 1830’s France, some wars, and a sewer, then throws himself into an aqueduct. Maybe he has OCD and is positive he’s never going to be clean again.
–Marius wakes up, and it looks like he’s recovering from a gunshot wound, but you and I know he at least has hepatitis from that sewer. That’ll be a pain that lingers, no matter how much you sing about it, dude. Let’s take “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” to have a double meaning, signifying not only his friends who have fallen in battle, but also the fact that he will never be able to get rid of that sewer stink with some 1830s French soap. I'm just saying.
–Marius reunites with Cosette, and why is no one mentioning that he still smells like poo?
–I do not believe Amanda Seyfried is hitting those notes on her own. Sorry. She is a lovely girl.
— Valjean/ La Mer tells Marius about his past. Wait—Cosette NEVER KNEW that he was Jean Valjean, on parole and on the run? Why’d she think they had to keep picking up and moving at the spur of the moment? Did she think they were in the Witness Protection Program or something?
–Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen are back as the Thenardier. Again, HBC looks like she’s wearing her own clothes, and like she’s dressed Sacha Baron Cohen in a Tim Burton original outfit. Still, they are funny and their appearance is a welcome respite from all the seriousness and sewage. They tell Marius that Valjean is hiding in the convent, and guess what? He’s dying. Probably from something he picked up in that sewer. Who has OCD now, bitches? Wouldn’t some hand sanitizer have been so nice?
— Valjean's teeth suddenly look really bad. Is this to indicate some kind of ailment? Does he have foot in mouth disease (from the sewer)? Is he dying of old age, since he’s probably 50 and the average life expectancy in 1830’s France was about 45?
–Valjean has a dying vision of Fantine. Um….why does Anne Hathaway still have her ugly hair and makeup on? Are we not to believe that people go back to their best looking states in Heaven? This is what I would like to believe.
–Entire cast and approximately 4,000 other people perform the closing song “Do You Hear the People Sing?” Seriously—that is a ton of people. How long must that shot have taken? What was it like to be an extra in that film? If anyone has a first-hand account, I would actually really like to hear from you.
Annnnd……scene.
In closing, we will be doing SAG Commentary tomorrow night (Sunday), and you can see that live at https://www.facebook.com/AnnoyingCommentary