Since our awards-show heckling is about to begin in earnest,
we’ve been buckling down and trying to see all the movies that are nominated
this year. I’ve been putting off Les Miserables for several reasons, one of which is that it’s long, and I know I'm going to take alot of notes.
First of all, let’s review my feelings for Anne Hathaway
here, if you please. Also, a
million years ago, I used to date a French History scholar, so I am all set up
to be like “Wah wah wah, Les Mis is NOT about the French Revolution,” or "That scenario is not historically accurate," and so
on..: In case you don’t know the story, Les Miserables follows our hero, Jean Valjean, who serves 19 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread
(and for multiple escape attempts). We
follow his story for 18 years, and this takes us up to the June Rebellion that
occurred in France in 1834 (and was also not the French Revolution). Here
is a handy place where you can read more about the story, which I feel like you
really need to do before you see this
movie. Also, I saw the stage version in
the 1990’s when I was young and impressionable and could still tolerate musical
theater.
— Opening number:
big fake ship. Lord God help us
all, I already want to punch someone in the face. I do appreciate Hugh Jackman, though, even
when he is covered in silly stage makeup.
– Russell Crowe
looks like Cap’n Crunch. Also, he cannot
sing, and I don’t care how many phones he throws at my head. This is a fact. Doesn’t he have a band? I guess now we know why that band isn’t more
successful.
Let's watch a clip, shall we?
–“Valjean, you will be on parole forever.” You know, just to raise the stakes. Now, can someone stomp on him, just for
effect?
–Valjean steals silver, his host forgives him, he has a
crisis of face. Good Lord, that is a lot
of huge closeup and stinky-looking Hugh Jackman beard.
— Eight years passes, because, why not?. Valjean has dumped the stinky beard, changed
his name, and has moved to a village with a lot of singing people with stage
makeup teeth., including one guy who totally has makeup herpes.
–Introduce Anne Hathaway as Fantine, looking very Princess
Diaries, working in a factory and not getting along with her boss or her
co-workers. She has an illegitimate
baby that she sends money to, and (in case you’re dying to know), this was kind
of a scandal in 1815 France. Fantine’s backstory has been cut down so you
don’t really know anything about her, except for the fact that she is the only
one without dirty teeth. SPOILER ALERT:
Fantine is going to get fired from her factory job and spiral down into destitution. This is Valjean's fault, and this is the
inciting incident for his journey.
–Russell Crowe (Off key singing: “Please know him as Javert”) is back, and he
still cannot sing. It seems to him that he’s met Valjean? How is that possible, when he saw the guy
every day for 19 years? This part of the
story doesn’t make sense in the novel or the stage version, and with all the
close-ups of the film, it is even more confusing. Couldn’t they have given Javert (now known as La Mer) a
clever, supehero-like disguise, this being the modern age of cinema and
all? I feel like if you’re going to make
a film version, maybe that is the time to clear up some obvious shortcomings
with the story itself, like giving him a new look to go with his new name.
–Six minutes have passed, now it’s dark, and Fantine (Anne
Hathaway) is already wandering around in the dark, selling her hair and teeth, well on her way to becoming a prostitute. I feel
like—couldn’t her factory have given her some kind of severance package? No COBRA? Does getting laid off have to mean that you
become a prostitute with a shaved head by nightfall?
–The prostitutes cut Anne Hathaway’s hair, and she
ugly-cries and is dirty. Now I
understand the Golden Globe. I will
say, she does have a decent voice.
–Side note: in the
novel and the stage version, she sells her front
teeth. Obviously this would never do
in a film, so they black out two of her black teeth, which you can see later
during “I Dreamed a Dream.”
–After selling her hair and teeth, Fantine becomes a
prostitute and contracts a terminal illness over the course of one night. More close ups of ugly crying. Again, I get the Golden Globe now. Uglying it up is how you win. She sings “I Dreamed a Dream,” which makes a
lot more sense when you actually know the backstory of her character and some
of the history of the actual time, but
okay. She’s clearly worked with a vocal
coach. During her big number, she apparently contracts her terminal illness and
/ or has a panic attack. Times was
tough back in 1800s France, folks!
–Also, Fantine’s illness has always been “undetermined,” meaning
for narrative purposes, “we need her to die quickly and dramatically to further
the hero’s journey.” Again, I feel like
now would have been a good time to once and for all give her a cause of death,
rather than having her die of “mystery fever surprise.” Couldn’t the mean john have stabbed her in
this version? Once again I am left with
a question mark in my mind—how did she go from being a healthy factory worker
in the daytime to dying of what seems to be a lingering and terminal illness by
dawn? Even tuberculosis needs some time
to marinate, no?
–Anne Hathaway is very mad and screaming, but her makeup
makes her look like an angry clown. What
is going on here? It’s so dark. I’m confused.
— More Russell Crowe, who, I might add, is sounding a
little pitchy there, dog.
— Hugh Jackman takes care of some of the pesky exposition
with a solo-singing, soap opera style monolog, then admits to being “24601,”
which was his prisoner number. Again, I
like Hugh Jackman, but dear God the close-ups.
–Fantine is dying in the hospital, looking uglier than
ever. Anne Hathaway is in this movie for
a total of 24 minutes, so she’ll need to make sure to chew up the scenery,
Pacino-style, before she goes out.
“Overwrought” is the word I would use, but I feel that word is not
overwrought enough.
–Introduce Cosette/ Castle on a Cloud. Apparently the casting people for this movie
went on a far and wide search to find a little girl who looks EXACTLY like
Cosette in the poster of the stage version.
Not bad!
–Oh wow, Helena Bonham Carter just wore her normal clothes
and makeup to play Madame Thenardier. That must have saved the production so
much money!
–Sacha Baron Cohen as Thernardier in “Master of the
House.” Without irony, I love him and I
think this is the perfect role for him.
Why can’t he do more stuff like this and less “The Dictator”? “Let’s not haggle for darling….Collette.”
–Singing, singing, oh God why did they give Russell Crowe a
solo? This would have been the perfect moment to cut some valuable minutes out of the film version.
–Flash forward to 1832 (this story covers a lot of ground,
time-wise).
— Cut to a scene from ….Oliver? Did we
switch musicals? In case you’re wondering, we did skip over the
French Revolution in this story, but we’re coming up on the June
Rebellion.
–Singing, singing, singing—did you ever notice that when they
switch to actual musical theater actors in a big budget movie like this, you
can tell because the singing gets so, so much better, and Russell Crowe
seriously sounds so much worse? See
also: Rosario Dawson alongside actual
musical theater singers in the film version of RENT.
–This is also abundantly clear when you compare Samantha
Banks (Eponine) with Amanda Seyfried (adult Cosette). Samantha Banks is a real singer who actually
played this role on stage, and her voice is amazing. Amanda Seyfried’s voice sounds okay but (and I don’t know this for a fact at all)
it does sound like her voice has been enhanced, and there is even a nifty
debate right here about who is a worse singer—Russell Crowe or Amanda Seyfried. Seyfried was great on Big Love, but her
singing is a little warbly for my taste.
She is pretty well cast in this role, although I agree with the debaters
in that forum—after seeing Samantha Banks blow her performance away, I kind of
want the love story to take a hard right turn and have her win the love
triangle. Here's a clip. Please watch toggle back and forth between the Russell Crowe clip above and this one for full comparitive effect.
–More singing, this time with real singers.
–Revolutionary singing, and PS, what was the budget for this
film? It either looks like they rented France, or
they have some serious CGI going on.
Sadly, all of this heckling has left us with still another
hour left to go in this epic, so I will have to finish typing up the rest of my
notes and post the rest of it tomorrow.