Thanks for your sympathy regarding my superstition attack. Projects are proceeding as usual (even though I talked about them), and I am back on the Funny Strange horse.
Today I’d like to discuss this hand-made brochure, which I procured from my local Borders store. As I mentioned this store is going out of business (they all are), so they’re having a big, sad clearance sale that includes all of the bookshelves and bookstore fixtures, and where all the customers look like hungry jackals circling each other for meet.
I have already made my thoughts clear on how the days of the “big bookstore” are probably over and how I think everyone should be publishing eBooks as quickly as possible, but it’s still sad to see a big store like that clearing out the last of its inventory—like watching a Brontosaurus die, breath by breath. Of course all that stuff has to go somewhere, and of course the employees there are going to keep their jobs for as long as they can, but overall it’s just a big depressing affair, a feeling which was somewhat mitigated by the morbid fascination I have for this brochure.
Let's start with the cover, pictured above. Notice that already you can tell that this is not a official Borders brochure (if such a thing even exists), but a brochure that an employee (probably a manager) made in their office with Microsoft Publisher, after getting all of these questions so many times and being too depressed and exasperated to answer them anymore. Note the pointed use of the “sad face” emoticon, and the font “Comic Sans,” which, as Stephan noted, is the most depressing font in the entire world.
Side note: you have to admire the initiative of the manager-type who got it together to make this brochure, even in the face of their imminent unemployment and having to be in the company of people all day who are doing their Christmas shopping in the middle of summer because everything is 80% off.
I’m just saying.
OK, now you open up the brochure, and I’m sure you’ll agree, this is the saddest Q & A in the history of time.
Here is the inside:
If for some reason you can’t see this, I also converted it to text, which we will close-read here. As far as I’m concerned, the answer to each and every question could be: “Screw you, everything is 80% off and I’m out of a job soon, lady.” Consider the sheer number of times each employee must have been asked all of these questions, to the point where during one of their last (futile) staff meetings, they said “Hey, let’s put together an informational brochure so we won’t have to keep answering these over and over again.” Sigh.
Q: What is your store’s closing date?
A: While we do not have an exact date, we expect to be open until some time during the month of September.
Translation: Thanks a lot for reminding me that in less than a month, I will officially be out of a job.
Q: What will be in this building after Borders is gone?
A: We do not know.
Translation: Again, thanks a lot for reminding me of my impending unemployment. Also, do I look like a civil engineer, a commercial business realtor, or some other kind of Borders executive who might have information about the lease of a huge commercial building in the middle of a recession? You want to know what will be in this building after Borders is gone? If I had to guess, I’d go with a big “FOR LEASE” sign for the next year. Feel free to come sit in front and read books on your Kindle, you a-hole.
Q: Can I still use my Borders gift card?
A: Yes, we will continue to honor gift cards throughout the entire liquidation process.
Subtext: Did you read question # 1? This store is closing in a month. You better use that gift card fast, or who will be the idiot then? By the way, NO, YOUR BORDERS REWARDS CARD DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE because everything is already 80% off, so cool your jets, chacho.
Q: Can you hold something for me to pick up later?
A: No, unfortunately we cannot do any holds.
Subtext: Are you insane? Have you seen the people in this store? It’s like Barney’s Wedding Sale up in here. You’d better watch that you don’t lose a finger in this sale, lady. Oh, also? We can’t put things on hold, because when you come back to get them, the store will be closed and we’ll be at the unemployment office. Thanks for squirting lemon juice in that wound.
Q: Where are the restrooms?
A: The restrooms here are no longer in service.
Subtext: Our days as a public restroom masquerading as a bookstore/ coffee shop are over. I’m sure there’s a Starbucks around here somewhere—maybe you should take your Kindle over there and sit on the pot.
Q: When will the sale prices be reduced again?
A: We don’t know. We at the store do not have access to this information until a few hours before the prices change.
Subtext: Really? Everything is already 80% off, you greedy f$%kheads. Let me give you a hint—all the good s%^t is already gone, but go ahead and come back next week if you want a chance at another 5% off of the Melanie Griffith DVD box set.
Q: Can I return something if it’s still in the packaging and I have the receipt?
A: No. Unfortunately all sales are final and we cannot take any returns.
Subtext: How much clearer can we make it? THE STORE IS NOT GOING TO EXIST ANYMORE. Your having a receipt isn’t going to make the repossessed cash register reappear.
Q: Can you look something up for me in your inventory?
A: No. Unfortunately we longer have access to our inventory systems.
Subtext: No subtext on this one, it’s just super sad. I don’t know why, but the thought of these lonely Borders stores being cut off even from their inventory systems makes me want to cry. Oh, but also—why are you asking them about inventory? JUST BUY WHAT’S THERE AND LEAVE THESE POOR PEOPLE IN PEACE.
Q: What are all the employees here going to do after you close?
A: Each employee will continue with his or her life path as they see fit. Some will find new jobs. Some will retire. Some will disappear into the wind (Just kidding about that last one).
Note: OH MY GOD THE PATHOS. This is by far my favorite answer, as it contains at once a little bit of irony, a little honesty (disappearing into the wind), and a “some will find new jobs” mention, which really, could be an invitation if you happen to be hiring. It would also be funny if they’d put “90% of us will be in the fetal position, lamenting our English degrees and planning to move into our parents’ basements).
Q: What is going on with borders.com?
A: We are no longer connected with Borders.com.
Subtext: If our top executives had their sh%t together, we clearly would not have had to make this brochure. Thanks for reminding us.
Q: Where is your café?
A: Unfortunately we no longer have a café.
Subtext: Sorry we can’t get you your half-caf, low-foam latte during this frantic fire sale before we lose our jobs. Oh, also? Maybe if you’d done more than just buy a latte and sit here all day reading magazines and not buying actual books, we wouldn’t be going out of business, so thanks for that.
Q: Are you still getting in new product?
A: We continue to receive new product, although the merchandise is different from what we have carried in the past. Mostly we are receiving blankets, frames, “perfumes,” and other miscellaneous accessories.
Follow-up question: If you make blankets, frames, and other miscellaneous accessories, you should definitely stop sending new merchandise to Borders. Didn’t you get the memo? They are going out of business. Also, I like the thought that blankets, frames, and other miscellaneous accessories are still going to keep showing up after Borders isn’t even there anymore. Hey, maybe someone should take all of those items and open a blankets, frames, and miscellaneous accessories store!
Oh wait, that’s Bed, Bath & Beyond. Never mind.
Q: What if I bought a Kobo reader? Where will I buy books for it?
A: Kobo.com is a separate company based in Canada, and eBooks can still be purchased at their website. Some of our staff members have Kobo readers that they continue to enjoy using.
Note: This is where the staff is just being too nice, especially the line about how they still enjoy using their Kobos. I don’t know how they are keeping it together with all of these insane questions, day after day, as they count down to being unemployed. I hope they are stealing books and selling them on eBay.
Q: Can I still use my teacher discount/ corporate discount?
A: Unfortunately we can no longer apply teacher and corporate discounts.
Note: AGAIN, EVERYTHING IS ALREADY 80% OFF. Did you want me to maybe cut myself and bleed onto a book for you? GOOD LORD.
Q: Can I buy bookshelves, tables, or other fixtures in the store?
A: Yes. Fixtures are for sale. Please ask to speak with a fixture manager if you are interested in purchasing something.
Note: Is “fixture manager” still a job? Seems extraneous at this point. Also, if you are buying bookshelves and tables, can we recommend that you not use these things to open up a giant bookstore? Yeah….thanks.
