OK, so I’m back from my business trip, and first, I have to start out by saying:
- Yes, I was in Los Angeles last week, and
- No, I did not call you, and
- I am very sorry.
I have to defend myself by saying that I started catching a cold before I left, and when I was on the plane I could tell I was getting a fever, and I already had a sore throat, so the people you should feel really badly for are the people who I had to interact with at the conference / awards ceremony I went to, because you KNOW right now they're like "Huh, I don't feel so good….OH NO."
I am starting to feel better, but traveling while you’re sick is A # 1 no fun, just because it makes everything harder. Feel like lying on the couch and doing nothing? Too bad, you’re on a plane for six hours, mixing your cold with everyone else’s cold, probably creating a supervirus.
But, I made it, and now I’m back and catching up on everything. This is the weakest, most low-grade cold I think I have ever had—it won’t quite catch on, but it wants me to know it’s there, oh, and also, not even a “let’s just call it higher than recommended” dose of Nyquil can keep me from coughing, but it’s not like the cold is even in my chest (aren’t you so SO happy for all this information for your Monday?), so it’s just one of those pathetic, hacky dry coughs that sort of works out your ab muscles and gives you a searing headache at the same time.
Speaking of Nyquil (which is SO not as strong as it used to be, have you noticed this? See below), while I was trolling the aisles of the CVS in Santa Monica (again, I know! I’m so sorry I didn’t call! I can’t believe I was there and didn’t see anyone!), it occurred to me that there should REALLY be an “adult section” of the cold medicine aisle. You know—like the old “adult section” of the video store? Listen, I’m on a business trip, and I’m coughing and I have a fever and a headache. I don’t have time to play around with anything “diabetic” or “fruit flavored” or “high blood pressure friendly.” I would like to purchase whatever cold remedy will knock me the f$%k out without my actually having to go to a doctor. Oh, and when you say the words “What’s stronger than Nyquil?” to a pharmacist, be ready for them to give you a look like you just handed over a prescription for Oxycontin written in crayon. Yes, you have now been filed in the “junkie” section of their brain if you need more than Nyquil to address your problem. Just for the record, though, did you know that Nyquil is actually NOT NEARLY as strong as it used to be? That's right– they reformulated it to take out one of the main ingredients so it could stay on the shelves and not be required to be located behind the pharmacist's counter with all the other pseudoephedrine-containing products that you can make speed out of. Although, side note, if you have the mental capability and acumen to actually extract the psuedoephedrine from a liquid suspension of something like Nyquil, what the HELL are you doing making speed? You could be working at NASA. Please see your career counselor after class for some alternative options.
My next choice, based on packaging and name, was “Delsym Adult Nighttime,” mostly because this sounds like the name of a nightclub. No one under 21 allowed in Delsym Adult Nighttime, sorry! I’m sure you can see the theme here—I’m looking for something that will just step on my neck for ten or twelve hours every night, but without leaving me hung over so I can still sound smart the next day. A special thanks to the person on Facebook (I’m looking at you, Lisa Hopkins) who recommended vodka or bourbon, but I was not brave enough to try this (because of the afore-mentioned business trip and the fact that I was a sheltered youth and only started drinking wine about five years ago, so I have never even HAD bourbon), so I am still looking for something that can address my cold symptoms in an adult way, but not liquor-store or doctor’s office adult, just cold medicine adult. Why is there no rating system for cold medicine, so you can have your G rated cough syrup for your kid and I can have R or NC-17 rated ‘tussin when I need it? Do I just have to keep saying “What is some super strong cold medicine?” and trying the different suggestions until I get a good result?
Wait, maybe I should do that. Please, tell me your suggestions, and I will report back with results. So far, 1 ½ times the regular dose of "the new Nyquil" only works for five hours, and Delsym Nighttime also failed to control the symptoms. I also have a sinus headache that feels like there is an overinflated balloon inside my head, and every time I cough or breathe in too hard, I get that searing sinus pain flareup.
So—what else you got? Or, are you going to side with Lisa Hopkins and tell me to go straight to bourbon?
