So, three big celebrity breakups last week, only one of which was even surprising enough to make me go "hmmm…"
That one, of course, was the breakup of Laura Dern and Ben harper. Maybe it's because I used to see those two all the time in our neighborhood in LA and they seemed like a totally normal married couple, or maybe it was because I had such high hopes for them– if you'll recall, Laura Dern was the woman who was engaged to Billy Bob Thornton when he up and married Angelina Jolie out of the blue in 200. That marriage didn't work out either, but I kind of had my fingers crossed that Laura Dern was going to end up with the "happily ever after" in that situation, plus I really like Ben Harper's music.
The other two, well– can you honestly say that you thought Courteney Cox and David Arquette were going to be the Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward of their time? David Arquette is a weird, clowny person who wears plaid pants and shoots his mouth off. Courteney Cox was tired of being his mommy, oh really? She didn't have to do this from the very moment they started dating, really??? I don't know who is more annoying in this scenario– David Arquette, who admits he's juvenile and annoying and clearly wears plaid pants and likes tacky pictures of sad clowns with big eyes, or Courteney Cox, who clearly believed she could change him with her Type A personality-ness. This just in: marriage magnifies, ok? By this I mean, if you have a problem or think something is annoying but it will probably go away after you get married, you are wrong. It is going to get worse. Don't get married. This also applies to people who are engaged for eight years, then break up, then get back together. You know what? Don't get married. Marriage is hard even when you're really into it and into the person. If you're on the fence and you do it anyway, just…don't get married. There's no law saying you have to get married.
Hey look– I just saved you thousands of dollars and a bunch of heartbreak.
Next up– Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman (pictured above). Really, we're surprised by this? Listen up: I don't care how rich or (ahem) well endowed that guy is, she is simply out of his league, so there was no way that relationship was ever going to be more than a phase for her. A woman that beautiful and rich and talented can have anything and anyone she wants, and eventually she was of course going to decide that the balance of attractiveness power was too high, and that she couldn't overlook the disparity anymore (I am speaking literally). If you're going to cite other "beauty and the beast" type relationships, hit me. Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller? Only married for five years. Woody Allen and Mia Farrow? Yes, we all know how that one ended. The afore-mentioned Angelina Jolie Billy Bob Thornton freak show? Eighteen months, if I recall correctly. Same with Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts (though i think my father in law would argue that SHE was the beast in that scenario), Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, and so on. People marry and stay married to people who are of their rough attractiveness equivalent, which of course means that Christina Aguilera never read any Malcolm Gladwell books, and that this union was never going to last.
The only exception to this that comes to mind is Seal and Heidi Klum, which I am attributing to his being richer, taller, and more talented than her, on addition to being amazingly romantic and having crazy mojo. In fact, if not for his lupus scars (not his fault), I dare say he might even be attractive.
I'm serious– can anyone think of any other examples? I actually did a Google search trying to come up with another one, and nothing came up.
