Just a heads up, this post will probably only be amusing to you
if you've ever lived in or spent alot of time in Los Angeles, where
bad traffic and the route you took to get somewhere are the frequent topics
of conversation. Or maybe you'll think it's funny anyway. Who am I
to tell you when to laugh? Sometimes in L.A. you get to where you
were going really fast and you're totally surprised. Sometimes you end up
across town at 3:00 and realize you have to be back again at 6:00, and even
though technically your house is only six miles away, it's six miles WEST
ACROSS FREEWAYS, so you end up reading a book in your car. Last week I
was on the way home when I drove right into a Sigalert on the 10, which caused
me to abruptly get off at National, where I of course got lost because that
freeway exit is like the Bermuda Triangle of confusing. When I finally
got home the next day (just kidding, but it did take a long time), I started
this list.
1. National, off the 10. Leads to "which way should I turn,"
which quickly devolves into "motor street? What the…. Where is
pico? Now I don't even know where i live….Great– now I am
lost…in Palms."
2. Santa Monica, off the 405. Seriously, you better know
exactly which way you're going before you commit, because if you're in
the left lane and suddenly realize you wanted Beverly hills, there's
four lanes in between you and a right turn, and NO ONE IS GOING TO LET YOU
SQUEEZE BY.
3. Oh, did you take the Sepulveda exit going north off the 105 by mistake?
Settle in. You're going to the airport, and you can't make a
legal u turn again until after in n out burger, which you're totally going
to need after you miss your dinner plans. Sorry.
4. Washington, off the 405. Again, you better know exactly which
way you're going before you commit, because this exit is right under
the freeway with no take-backs, and you're not going to know you're
going the wrong way until you see Denny's. By then, though, there's
nowhere to turn around.
5. The 101, anywhere from Sherman Oaks to say, Tarzana. This
freeway runs east/ west but the signs say north/ south so good luck
with yourself.
6. 4th street downtown which also has another name that I can't remember
and also happens to be a one way street wait– how am I now on 9th
street I guess I have to turn around but oh my god did you see the traffic
on the 110/ 10/ 60 merger forget it I'm never driving in downtown la
again. I just wanted to go to Pasadena, and now there's a crackhead
peeing on my car.
7. The 405 / 101 interchange. "It's three in the morning, why
is it total gridlock, no one knows how to freaking merge."
8. The buena vista street exit, off the 134, or "I got off on
buena vista, disney is on buena vista…. Wait, why is this street
now called bob hope? Why am I at NBC? Why is nothing what it
seems?"
9. Anywhere in glendale, south pas, or eagle rock on the 110, the actual
oldest freeway in the world or "good lord, these freeway onramps were
built when cars only went 35, I don't have a rocket ship, how will I
get on this without being killed?".
10. Did you take Wilshire east off the 405 when you meant
west? Ooohh, tough break you are now a UCLA bruin,
and lest you consider turning around, please remember that all
of the intersections are photo-enforced, so unless you would like a
complimentary photograph of yourself with your "angry
face" on in the mail, just turn left into UCLA and then
backtrack on veteran. Also, if you make this mistake,
for the love of god do not make that left onto Sepulveda thinking you can
make a u turn, because once you go Sepulveda, you are at least going
to Encino. Wave at us from the Gelson's by the Jackson estate. Maybe you’ll see Prince and Blanket!
11. Oh, are you in from out of town doing a potential college visit at
USC? Don't make the wrong turn off Adams at the 110, or surprise! You
have just joined the Crips! Hope you like blue.
12. You are on the 5 south going through downtown. Now I am on the
10 and the 5, now I am on the 10, the 5, and the 60 at the same
time. Did I just jump into an alternate dimension? I so should have taken that extra
calculus course in college, carry the one….Wait– Bernal Heights?
Wasn't that where Lean on Me was filmed?
13. 101 freeway from 10 going west from out of town— ooonnnee tinny
skinny lane over there on the left, get all the way over right now
or you're going to miss it— was that it right there I can't tell,
and WHOA you are now in downtown, please see #6.
14. You waited too long to leave and now there is hella bad traffic on
the 405 this is going to take forever maybe you can cut over on the 605
going south and the double back– think fast! You're in Torrance.
Go get some froyo at the Del Amo mall for the next four hours.
You are stranded.
15. Are you trying to go east on the 10 or south on the 405 after 4 pm
and you are not doing this for absolute necessity or because someone's
head is on fire? What is the matter with you? This is
not the time to pick up your dry cleaning. Go home. You are
part of the problem.
16. Applies to all freeways: You are driving on a freeway in
Los Angeles and there is an accident or road construction on the
other side. Keep going, jack. Your looky-looing is holding us all
up, and if you take your eyes off the road one more time…..oh, now
you've done it. Accidents on both sides. Now they're
going to declare a Sigalert, and the traffic helicopter from channel
4 is going to fly
over us to give an an example of a place you're glad you're not right
now, only we are, because you're stupid.
Please, add to the list in the comments! I will admit I try not to leave the west side, so I don't know the Valley that well. There are assuredly some good ones I'm missing over there.
