Maybe you’ve known me for a long time and known I have dealt with an "anxiety problem" in various forms for my whole life. Or maybe you don't! Hey, I suppose if you’re one of those people who didn’t grow up with me and my eccentric behavior, or someone who hangs out with me all the time, maybe you wouldn’t even notice it. Maybe you'd think I'm just an odd person, that this is why I laugh at weird things and write this blog, where I point out what is funny and strange. Most of the time I’m perfectly fine— only when I’m not. And that, my friends, is when it starts to get ugly. UGLY!
In fact, I haven’t been officially “Medicated” (like with anti-depressants or whatever the drug of choice is at that time) for several years, even through the stress of September 11th and my mom dying suddenly, and this was becoming a real point of pride for me. I was trying to make jokes about the anxiety and the obsessive-compulsiveness, to kind of accept it so that it wouldn’t be so bad.
Only this time, this recession, and the bad news coming at you from every news outlet every single day, and this whole real estate thing? Too much. Actually, I think what pushed it over the edge was a real estate transaction in my building that I can't even discuss because it was so insane, and so stressful, and so scary and I think it might need legal follow-up so I don't want to say too much. All I know is that after the dust settled on that a week or so ago, I feel different– in a bad way. Different like I pushed it too far, and like I don't even want to go in my house. Different like I used up all my reserves, and now I need to go somewhere and lie down for a month or two.
So– the anxiety. I let it go too far, and now I am too eccentric, and it has crept into my daily life, and I am making excuses for it, and this is about the time when I have to go and get some help. Only it’s kind of a bummer, because I totally thought I was mostly normal, so to have to start all over with a new doctor, and new drugs that may or may not work, and medication management is going to be a total drag, and it kind of feels like a setback, or a failure or something. Because, let me ask you– did you ever take a drug that wasn’t compatible with your system, and then freak out for three days? I’m not even saying that to brag—in fact it’s quite inconvenient and makes you wish you were just Garden Variety Crazy again, and at the same time I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, because believe me, it’s Stephan you should really feel sorry for—he is the one who really feels the brunt of the increasingly-eccentric behavior. Did I mention that man deserves a medal? Because he does. I don’t believe he’s ridden in a cab for eight years, because I am so afraid of them, and lately? Forget about sushi restaurants, dude. I am OBSESSED WITH MINUTIA. I’m sure he doesn’t find that annoying at all.
Anyhow, I’m open to suggestions. Right now, it seems to have morphed from a “Panic Disorder” thing when I was in my teens and twenties to a more “Generalized Anxiety Disorder with a side of OCD.” I’m pretty sure that when I am finally removed from my stressful real estate situation it’s going to get better, but for now, I must admit that my anxiety problem is back, out of remission, and is once again a daily part of my life. Will this always happen? I don’t know. Maybe I should keep better track of how much stress I can handle, and not try to be a hero. Maybe I should stay on medication my whole life. Maybe I should stop talking and go see a doctor. By the way, I am not sitting under my desk in the fetal position, for those who saw the beginning of this over the weekend on Facebook and sent me personal messages. I totally, totally appreciate your concern! I am what they call “high functioning,” meaning I can still work and pay bills and take the garbage out, all while feeling TOTALLY SPUN UP ALL THE TIME.
But—and this is what COULD qualify as “Funny Strange.” This current Anxiety Disorder iteration is including a bonus element of OCD, so now I’m obsessed about the medication making me sick or more crazy, or like it’s going to take away some crucial element of my personality (like being afraid of cabs. It would be a total tragedy if that disappeared). Is that normal? Because I honestly can’t tell anymore. I know at least one reader is a Clinical Psychologist (hi Shannon!), and I would loooove for her to weigh in. Right now I feel like a kid stuck in a well of weirdness, dude.
Also, if this post made you go “Aha! That’s why she’s sick all the time and doesn’t have enough white blood cells!” I would probably have to agree with you on that one too. While I am attempting to get the crazy under control, I will of course continue to update this blog, post photos of random stuff on Facebook, and let you know what doctor I saw and how it’s going. For now, because apparently everyone else in Los Angeles is crazy as well, I am on a waiting list for a doctor in Tarzana who can see me in two weeks. No, I am not joking. Also, if you have a farm or some other kind of "middle of nowhere" place in California where I can go and cool out for a couple of months, you let me know!