I don’t know about you, but I find the whole field of Public Relations/ spin control very, very interesting. I have, for no reason other than perhaps to entertain myself, for several years been keeping a list of the most popular "spin control" statement issued by publicists about celebrity scandals. These are statements which now, I think, have been used to often that they have no cultural currency– meaning, we all know what they really mean, so why don’t they just say what really happened?
I got out the list again a week or so ago when People Magazine announced that David Duchovny went into rehab for sex addiction. Now, whatever, I’m sure the guy’s having a hard time, but to me, "rehab for sex addiction" is clear code for "my wife caught me cheating, and this is the public flogging I’m willing to take to prove to her that I’m really sorry." I mean, he’s a Hollywood actor on a show where he plays a sex addict-type. Does…..anyone think he’s not having sex with other people? I’d be really surprised to find out that he wasn’t having alot of extra-marital sex. But, I think the "sex addiction rehab" thing is almost like a "take one for the team" thing you do for your wife if it gets a little too out of hand and all your friends know about it. Am I wrong about this? Actually, there’s a rumor going around that he’s addicted to internet porn, but who goes to rehab for internet porn? And also– define "addicted," because I’m sure it’s a slippery slope with internet porn (no. pun. intended. at. all). I’m just saying, if that were his only problem, I doubt there’d be a whole public statement.
Which brings me to public statements. Here are some other "code-breakers" that are on my list. I already discussed how I think "I’m a guy and I had a baby through a surrogate" is the new code for "I’m gay, I wanted a kid, get over it." Here are some others I’m mulling over:
"Twins run in my family": new code for "I had in-vitro and I don’t want to admit it. The "twins run in my family" defense has been used by Jennifer Lopez (who, I’m sorry, is 38 years old and has twins and DIDN’T have help. Yeah….right.), Lisa Marie Presley (again, she’s how old?), and Julia Roberts. One I like even more is "twins run on both my and my husband’s sides of the family," when in actuality it only matters if twins run on the mother’s side. So– there it is. The next time you see someone over 35 having twins and saying "twins run in my (and my husband’s) family," you will (like I do), think they just had in-vitro and should just admit it already.
"I lost my baby weight just by breastfeeding and running after my toddler!" code for "I’m a Hollywood starlet, I had a baby, and the VERY MOMENT THEY CUT THE CORD, I started starving myself so that Hollywood people would accept me again. Sorry. I have more alleged examples of this than I can even fit on this list, but here’s who I think this applies to recently: Jamie Pressley, Jessica Alba, Christina Aguilera, Tori Spelling, and really, anyone who’s done one of those annoying "Body After Baby!" covers, the only purpose of which is to make regular people who’ve had babies feel bad that they don’t look like that, when what they don’t see is the personal trainer, and the food delivery, and the iron will that keeps these girls from eating, Lies, I tell you!
If a celebrity goes to the hospital for "dehydration" or an "allergic reaction to medication," I am sorry, but that’s a drug overdose. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Amy Winehouse. Other celebrity dehydrationsists include Nicole Richie (pre-transformation), Kid Rock, Lindsay Lohan, mini-me Verne Troyer (who probably doesn’t have to drink very much or take very many drugs to get the dehydration), and many more. Look out for it! Mischa Barton did the "allergic reaction" dance last year as well. I find that one especially amusing, because it ALMOST tells the truth, only what they don’t say is that the allergic reaction is to something that most people would be allergic to…..like cocaine.