If you own
a television or radio, or have any sort of access to the internet, and
especially if you like the Discovery channel, chances are you’re familiar
with my husband’s voice. He’s a voiceover guy, and over the past seven
years he’s been everything from the Voice of Southern California Ford
("It’s a Ford Sell-A-Bration!") to the voice of a CW Affiliate in the
Midwest
Truck Pulls! InkSPLOSION!") to the voice of "Surviving West
Point" on the National Geographic Channel (a job for which he did, in
fact, have to say the words "in a time of war," but no, he’s not the
regular "in a time of war" guy).
He is also
hired as the "Voice of God" for corporate events– a job where, I kid
you not, they fly him in on an all-expenses paid trip like Mick Jagger, just to
have the dulcet sounds of his voice in a live setting. And don’t think it
doesn’t make a difference– I have personally been in the audience when people
have put down their knives and forks in the middle of a meal to say "Wow!
That guy has a really uplifting voice!" He’s like a voiceover rock
star, I tell you. The first time he did a "Voice of God" job,
he said "That’s it! I’ve finally found a job title that’s suitable
for a business card."
Really, how
do you top the job title "Voice of God." ? His is the
rich, buttery smooth voice of success. His voice says power, and
success. His voice says "built Ford tough." Incidentally,
his voice also says "Don’t shake my hand." Because like the
supermodel for whom too many cookies would mean the difference between booking
the big Versace campaign or not, the Voice of God cannot (cannot!) get
laryngitis. You see, the Voice of God is not raspy, phlemgy, or
(God forbid) absent altogether. Recently, the Voice of God strained his
voice singing on an album, and for two days it was all hand signals in my
house, like Celine Dion before a big concert. Did you know that
whispering is even harder on your vocal chords than talking at regular
volume? The Voice of God knows. Also, my kitchen is filled with
things like "Throat Coat" tea, special herbs from the health food
store, and non-dairy foods. Seriously, the Voice of God cannot have
phlegm.
The Voice
of God was mildly germaphobic before he attained this auspicious title.
Now that his job actually requires him to stay germ-free, though, he’s free to
indulde his obsession with hand sanitizier. Did you know that rinsing out
your sinuses with saline solution and putting Neosporin in your nose when you
fly will also prevent illness? The Voice of God knows that, too. The Voice of
God is, of course, friends with other Voices of God, Voices of Shows, and
Voices of National campaigns. You’d be surprised how many of them know
each other, and how very little they want to be around sick people.
It’s not
all fun and games in Voice of God land, though. Recent fear of a possible
vocal chord polyp sent the Voice of God to the Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor,
where they threaded a scope through his nose and into the back of his
throat. He gets allergy shots. He drinks weird and smelly teas from
the Chinese medicine guy. He has been known to get acupuncture in this
throat. He does not scream out loud at professional sporting
events.
So, if you
see me and the Voice of God out sometime, stop to say hi. Just don’t be
offended if the Voice of God gives you the Howie Mandel fist bump instead of
shaking your hand.