BY LORI CULWELL
Today I'm ranting about food, so first off, I want to just say that this Orbit commercial is really bothering me—is that guy supposed to be falafel, or is he some kind of moldy sandwich? Why is he singing a Chicago song? What do any of these things have to do with needing some Orbit gum to clean your mouth? I am not getting this message, clearly—I just keep staring at the sandwich guy, alternating between germaphobic thoughts about how gross that food is, and sympathetic thoughts about how that actor is playing a moldy sandwich (or maybe falafel) in a commercial, and how he probably went to Julliard.
Note: this is a screenshot, so you’ll need to click here to go to the Orbit website and watch the whole commercial. Annoyingly, they don’t have any embed code on their site, so I couldn’t include it here. Sorry! Apparently Orbit is trying not to be tech-friendly while they sell you gum.
Upon further examination, I now understand the narrative—the girl is eating at a falafel stand in the lobby of her building, and then she gets into the elevator, so I’m assuming the problem is that falafel has a lot of garlic and she’s going to breathe it onto her boss, so she should probably chew some Orbit gum to get rid of the smell, right?
Aside from the fact that I still think the guy’s face looks like mold, I also did just want to add that gum is probably one of a NUMBER of things you would need to clean yourself up after you eat falafel, in addition to a wet nap to get the tsaziki off your face. Falafel is a food with a high crumbliness factor, so you’re going to want to proceed with napkins and caution if you’re eating it in the lobby of your work. Also, she still has lipstick on after eating a falafel? Doubtful. I don’t think I’m the only person who needs a full-on hose down after consuming a falafel, dude.
Speaking of food (and falafel), I think I might have accidentally become a gluten-free vegan, and I need to tell you about the hilarious narrative that is going on in my head (and in my kitchen) all the time now.
In my defense, this has happened rather gradually and has absolutely no political agenda attached to it. A couple of years ago I mostly gave up dairy products (not because I’m trying to be all Alicia Silverstone vegan, and by the way, have you seen this video? I’m sorry, but it is super gross that she chews her baby’s food for him and then feeds it to him like a bird) because as I might have mentioned, I am allergic to dairy to the point where ice cream makes me break out in a rash.
Side note: Yes, sometimes I do load up on Benadryl and drink a milkshake or eat pizza, because come ON. Life without milkshakes and pizza? Ridiculous. And please don’t tell me that “Veggie Shreds” cheese substitute “tastes just like cheese,” because you know what tastes just like cheese?
CHEESE TASTES LIKE CHEESE.
Anyhoo, maybe Stephan got tired of having to make two of everything, because eventually he stopped eating dairy too, and he actually really liked it, so then we started experimenting with even more things we could take out of our diet that would make us even healthier (because we are insane).
See, this is how you become “accidentally vegan”—you start eliminating food groups, and then you realize that vegan food is all you have left, so you sort of sigh and lean into it. That’s not to say that I won’t bite the s#$t out of a grass-fed filet mignon, because I totally will, and for that reason I don’t think what I am can be officially classified as “vegan,” per se, but I will admit that we have been eating a lot of dairy free, meat free, gluten free meals, and they are actually really good. I feel better, this food keeps for longer so it saves money (another big appeal), and eating this way makes you feel like you’re actively doing something toward your own health and the environment.
However.
I am here to tell you that the further you get into the “healthy eating lifestyle,” the more you realize that every single methodology is a rabbit hole, and everyone is really vehement about why to avoid what they think you should avoid, and that really, EVERYTHING YOU’RE DOING IS WRONG WRONG WRONG and you’re going to die in five minutes if you keep doing that, and all of these theories, facts, and pieces of info somehow form themselves into a character called Food Cop that lives in the back of your mind. You must ask Food Cop before you want to eat or drink anything, ever. Don’t even think of asking Food Cop if you can have McDonald’s, okay, because you are so far away from McDonaldland now, Food Cop won’t even give you a map.
Here’s an example.
As I mentioned we’ve already mostly eliminated dairy products, so you’d think the next logical alternative would be soymilk, right?
WRONG WRONG WRONG, says Food Cop. Soy milk is made from soybeans, and soybeans contain phytoestrogens, and this artificially raises your estrogen level, which makes you crazy and gives you man-boobs (if you’re a man). Soy is OUT.
Next possible alternative: rice milk. That’s logical. Milk made of rice. Rice is innocent. What could go wrong there?
Food Cop says: WRONG WRONG WRONG, rice milk has gluten, and gluten sets off an inflammatory reaction in your body as well as possibly giving you “insulin resistance,” so avoid gluten as if it were the plague.
By now you’re like, um….Food Cop? I have to put something on my cereal….
Food Cop goes– Wait. CEREAL? CEREAL IS THE WORST. It’s made entirely of gluten and sweetened with high fructose corn syrup, which is financed by the government and makes you diabetic. Never again let cereal pass your lips.
And then you’re all OK Food Cop….what should I eat for breakfast, then? Is oatmeal ok?
Food Cop: Gluten.
Me: A banana?
Food Cop: Too starchy.
Me: Protein shake with berries?
Food Cop: What’s the protein made of? Whey protein? Whey is made from dairy. Soy protein raises your estrogen level. Rice protein has gluten. Nut protein is too high in fat. Also, are the berries frozen? Those berries were probably treated with pesticide, which screws up your endocrine system, plus they were flown in from a foreign country, which ruins the environment. Your smoothie is running everything! No smoothie!
Me: Um, Food Cop….I’m very hungry. What about an omelette?
Food Cop: Well, eggs aren’t vegan…
Me: I don’t care. Now I’m starving, and I hate everything.
Food Cop: OK, locally farmed, free range eggs from chickens whose mothers loved them. Not too many egg yolks, though, because egg yolks have too much cholesterol. Make sure to use something that’s NOT butter, because butter is dairy, and dairy is terrible for you.
Me: Can I put spinach in this omelette?
Food Cop: Yes, but only if that spinach is organic and locally grown, and if you know the farmer, and he uses magic to ward off bugs instead of pesticides, and oh, there is no spinach local to the tri-state area, so scratch that. No spinach for you!
Me: Sigh. What about Juevos Rancheros? I like beans. Beans have protein.
Food Cop: Only dried beans that have been soaked overnight, NOT BEANS IN CANS, because have you seen the sodium content of canned beans? You might as well just jump off a cliff, amigo. Also, don’t even get me started on canned tomatoes, which have enough nitrates to paralyze a baby elephant.
Me: So, I can have egg whites, a spoonful of beans, and a puff of filtered air. What am I, in a
Nicaraguan prison?
Food Cop: It’s for your own good.
And……scene. In the next episode, I will argue with food cop over my one can of diet root beer that I am clinging to, as well as discussing what the right KIND of bottled water is, and also, peanut butter has too much fat.