So, Monday night I slipped on water in the kitchen, and while I did catch myself before I fell (because clearly I am agile like a cheetah), my foot went "pop," and then I basically couldn't walk on it without it producing a delightful shooting pain.
You're thinking "broken bone in foot," right? That's what I was thinking, but I really don't like to overburden the Emergency Medical system with non- emergent situations, so I decided to ice the foot, elevate, drink some wine, and go to sleep, thinking I would reassess in the morning. That's a solid medical plan, right?
Side note: now is a good time to say that I have a high pain tolerance. I was once on vacation with Stephan and my in-laws, and because I was reading a map and waking at the same time I walked straight in to an iron pole, then kept right on going, prompting my father in law to say "DAMN– I didn't think you could take a hit like that, Culwell." My point is that I can take a lot of pain, which sometimes makes me think I might be walking around with a broken bone, and then my foot falls off and I have to say "I told you so" to myself for not just going to a doctor when it first happened. Is there anything worse than the self "I told you so?" I think not.
So, then I wake up and still can't walk on my foot. By now I have asked Dr. Facebook, and my friends have diagnosed me with one of the following: broken metatarsal, plantar fasciitis, or some kind of pulled muscle/ tendinitis (because I like to leave important medical opinions up to social media). Facebook doctors are smart, right? Mostly they said "go to a doctor," which I was planning to do anyway.
Still on the fence about the ER vs. Urgent Care vs. a regular doctor, I call the doctor's office and make an appointment, and now my foot hurts whether i stand on it or not, and I"m starting to get cranky.
Here's where it turns funny: My doctor is even more nonchalant than I am. She looks at it and goes "meh, could be a stress fracture, might be a sprain, not really sure, don't want to say, please go to Ortho and get an X-ray, call them for an appointment, maybe they can get you in this week."
This pisses me off because frankly, I like to be the one being nonchalant about pain, not other people, and certainly not medical professionals. In fact, if medical professionals are reading this– THIS IS WHY PEOPLE GO TO THE ER, YOU BONEHEADS.
Next, because I am me and I think bureaucracy is ridiculous, I go up to the Ortho department (where I have never been before, am not a patient, and clearly do not have an appointment), where I put on my best "I don't know any better" face and go "Yes, I'd like to see a doctor please?" like I'm at Burger King. The woman at the front desk is like "That's not how the doctor's office works," and I'm like "Fine– you're saying I should go to the ER with foot pain? That sounds like it's going to be expensive and time-consuming for your medical facility."
She agrees and manages to fit me in, where I am given an Xray (no broken bones), diagnosed with a possibly torn muscle, and given "The Boot," which I posted for your enjoyment. Miraculously, after four days of non-stop boot wearing, my foot feels about 75% better. Wow!
Also to be filed under "interesting and amusing," you might recall that I get pulled over for non-moving violations frequently. Yesterday I actually went to court to appear for my "Lack of Vehicle Inspection" ticket that I received back in January. My state trooper didn't show up so the judge tried to continue the case, and (in my best "Law & Order University" lawyer style), I respectfully submitted that this would be a waste of the court's time since the matter was cleared up the next day, whereupon the judge laughed, said "Well put," and dismissed my case.
In summation, I am now practicing both medicine and law based on knowledge I obtained from television. Stephan is back from Norway/ Sweden, and here is the blog post on that. And….how was your week?