I am writing this as a reminder to myself, because I am allergic to dairy products, but not regular allergic, like, it makes me sneeze or something, or even lactose intolerant, like I would get a stomachache and be able to take a lactaid.
No, my friends- I am BLOOD allergic to dairy, meaning that my blood actually makes antibodies against dairy products, and if I do eat dairy, I break out in painful red welts.
Why am I writing this, then?
I'm sure you can see where this is going. Yep, I am writing this to remind myself that when I defy nature and eat pizza twice in one week, then frozen yogurt, then cheese, I then should not be surprised when I break out in painful red welts to the point where people say "how did you get bug bites in winter?" If (who are we kidding, when) this happens again, I will point the finger back to myself and admit that I know my system can't handle dairy. My problem, of course, is that not only is dairy in everything—it is also delicious, so I insist on repeatedly attempting a "hair of the dog" kind of intervention where I use ice cream and cheese to short circuit the allergy, and my body responds by repeatedly breaking out in red welts. Awesome! I cannot be taught.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like we should just go back to the old "grounding" system. Clearly I cannot be trusted with dairy, so logically I should be grounded from it. Since I am an adult, though, I would have to ground myself, which sounds kind of crazy.
Can anyone give me some medical evidence (other than the welts, which I will admit are quite unattractive, and which I did not photograph for this post) for the fact that I really should ground myself from this thing I am allergic to? Anyone else have this problem? Please don't say the words "vegan pizza" to me, because I am all hopped up on dairy right now and I might not be responsible for my actions.
Also, hilariously, apparently my last post about KMart needing to re-brand layaway made their Google Alert, because they ReTweeted me today, even though what I said was meant to be funny. This might mean they need to actually READ their headlines. Let's see if anyone from there notices this!
Seriously, someone needs to tell me to stop eating dairy products. What is wrong with me?
